Well,i decided the only way i was going to get better was to start telling the truth more often about how im really feeling,and try to find a way todeal with the panic attacks that are starting to rule my day to day life,mainly by fear. I had my gp's appointment on Thursday at 1.50 and for a change i went myself,she asked how i was feeling and i burst into tears telling her id had six panic attacks this week,that i was finding it near impoosible to be alone as i had silly thoughts running through my head of killing myself and she asked if id ever thought of harming the kids and i said yes,twice,once with Daniel when he came in drunk and stoned at 2.30 am and woke us all up,i felt like pushing him down the stairs and once with katie when she was driving me mad i wanted to smash her head in for being so akward and selfish,she said she wasnt happy i didnt seem to be making much progress on the new pills so she wanted to send me to the Mental health assesment team in edinburgh to see what they thought and she phoned home to get billy to come get me,she then told him she wanted me seen that night so we arranged to go up,she then told both of us that because of my thoughts she would have to phone social work dept on me,now i know she is only doing her job but i have never ever lifted my hands to my kids and if ive felt im at breaking point ive done the usual things,leave the room,make a coffee ect. Anyway,i went to the Royal Edinburgh and was seen quickly by 2 really nice nurses who said they wernt surprised by the way i was feeling,that ive got so much stress and strain in my life that the attacks were my bodys way of dealing with it,then she said my gp wanted me admitted to hospital but there was no way they would recomend that,they gave me a number for a centre that helps people in crisis in Edinburgh,and they also said they were going to organise some CBT for me and that they could put a team in place that visited me every day at home which i declined.We got home at 7 pm and i went straight to bed and slept till 7pm the next day,while i was in bed Logan wrote me a letter tellingme how much he loved me,hated me being ill and wanted me to be happy,i felt like shite reading it. I got a phone call on Friday from my renal social worker whom ive known for nearly 8 years,she said she would be honest and said that my local duty social worker had been in touch with her worried about he kids saftey,she said she had no concerns about them whatsoever and that it was a blip that they would help me through,she also told me that i might get a phone call or visit from them next week to check on me......great hu. Billy is totally pissed off at my gp for phoning the social work and for recomending that i be hospitalised but i feel she was just doing her job even though she over reacted slightly,ive got my stress course starting this week so that might help and ive to go see my renal social worker for some practical help and support and i know deep down im going to have to do something with my son,ive tried loads of things already maybe a short sharp shock will do him good.
My mum knows how i feel but i keep it all from my dad as he wouldnt cope with it,she popped in yesterday to see me and gave me money towards a haircut which i had done today and i love and i popped into the lauderette to see my boss and check i was still on for Monday,im glad ive got this wee job,some normality and something to take my mind of me!
I know my health affects my kids and i know my mental health could do as well so im going to do everything in my power to make myself better and at least give them the best home life i can do. Im back to the gp on Thursday and im not pissed off at her,she had to do her job but i am telling her i would hurt me before anyone else but im trying to give myself a shake,my friend says we are going to meet and walk our dogs till our legs hurt as exersice is good for the mind!
