It's all going wrong. Thought I'd been more in control recently. Think I was just fooling myself. This blog is supposed to be titled 'Fertility'. However, the whole fertility issue is actually the root to the way I'm feeling right now - a pile of rubble again.
For the last two weeks, I have been feeling very dithery. Non committal. Twitchy. Since the meeting with the fertility nurse actually. We discussed freezing my eggs before chemo starts. Only been together with my boyfriend for 9 months. Looks like our relationship may go the distance though. We decided to have embryos frozen 'in case' we did go the distance. An insurance policy. Just in case. Before the meeting I thought "Hey, at least it will delay the chemo for another few weeks".
We were there for over 2 hours. By the end, I wasn't sure I had the courage to go through what you have to go through. Two weeks of injecting myself with hormones (one a day for week 1, two a day for week 2). Side effects: tiredness and moodiness (well, nothing new there then). Then, the biggy. Egg extraction. When people pay for this privately, they are often put under a General. However, because mine is on the NHS, they don't do that. They just sedate you. With Medazelan. Supposed to make you woozy with amnesiac effects. Not much memory after. The nurse explained the procedure of the extraction. Oh My God! I didn't realise what they have to do to you. Wouldn't mind if I was 'under'. But not whilst I'm conscious. IN ANY STATE.
Barbaric...
I'm scared. I'm really scared. Have spent the last two weeks waiting for my period to start. When it does, I have to start the injections. For the last three days, I have been in a FOUL mood. All day long, each day and to everybody who dares to cross my path. Poor boyfriend's taken the brunt of it. This morning, I woke up. Very bloated. Belly looks bigger than usual. I'm figuring that I'm gonna come on any day now. I guess it must be my hormones causing my mood and the impending period, causing my bloating.
It's happening. It's gonna happen very soon. I'm petrified. I know after it's all over, I'll be pleased I did it. Until then, well, anxious, it turns out, is a bit of an understatement.
Went to the acupuncturist at lunch time today. Second session. During my first session, he put a needle into my foot. It ached during the session and I was uncomfortable. Today, I asked him not to do the foot one again. He tried to persuade me. Said "why don't I try it and if you don't like it, we can take it out". "NO" I replied. Then I broke down. Started crying.
Not cried in two weeks.
I'd been nervous about today's session as it was. Now it was just getting too distressing. He said he wouldn't do my feet today.
Came out of session, feeling very relaxed. Woman at front desk says "we still haven't got a letter from your oncologist saying it's ok for you to have complimentary therapies".
What now? I don't need this.
"What about the letter from my GP?" Not good enough apparently. So I'm now worried and phoning my Oncologist's office. Secretary is off sick and the other one is overloaded. Told the woman that I would just not bother with any more treatments. Asked her to deal with it and speak to the secretary herself if she wanted a letter. Couldn't face 'hassling' my oncologist any more. Due to health insurance problems I've had (the last of the three blogs I mentioned the other day, I've yet to write), didn't want to 'annoy' her with something else.
Let the woman deal with it. Just wanted to get out of there now...
Got home. Aunt phoned. Wants to come over to see me. Haven't seen her since all of this. We arrange a date. A couple of weeks time. At 11ish. "We can go out to lunch" she suggests. Two months ago, fine. Now, I'm extremely aware of how little money I've got so stupidly suggested I do something at my house.
WHY???????????? Do not need to be 'entertaining' right now.
Anyway, it's arranged. Can't back out now. I'll make sandwiches or something. 10 minutes later, she rings back. She wants to rearrange so she can bring her 5 year old grandson with. It will be half term. My two kids will be at home.
Oh no!!!!!!! More people. It's getting out of control....
Told her I didn't think it was a good idea. Said I wasn't coping very well at the moment. Said I didn't want a house full of people. "I thought it would be nice for him to play with the girls" she said. Reluctantly agreed. Said they could all watch a Disney film together or something. Reality is that I just didn't have the strength to argue my case any further.
Hung up. Started to cry again.
One thing after another today.... please make it all stop. Please just everyone leave me alone...
It's coming out now. Like my seroma. Builds up and builds up and builds up. Then, when you're not expecting. Just when you think it's all healing up nicely. Gushes out. Out of control.
Back to square one again.
I realise now. It's all been fake. All this 'wonderful control' I've tried to enjoy for a couple of weeks. Who am I kidding? Underneath has been this. Me. Bubbling away. Hidden by superficialities. Lulling me into a false sense of security. Truth is that the fertility thing has affected me more than I have dared to admit.
I don't know what to do. Boyfriend has always said if it's too distressing, I shouldn't do it. But I know how important kids are to him. He hasn't got any. He's mad about kids. I don't have the yearning for any more, but I have always felt that I would have one if I was in the right sort of relationship. Like this one could be in a couple of years. Now that I've got this condition, I don't know how I'll feel anyway. I either will want to enjoy my future with just the two of us and my kids, or I may feel like I want to start all over again and have a baby. That's why it's an insurance policy. Options open and all that. Just finding it very, very hard now that it's all supposed to start soon.
I'm not coping very well today.
Fragile. Feeling very fragile right now...
