People send me cards from time to time. Sometimes they're people I don't even know, other than from the internet.
I got one of these today, and the timing couldn't have been better; I had another panic attack last night, and was in a bad state. Luckily I was able to see an emergency doctor this morning, and now have diazepam. I feel much better, and a bit stupid and embarrassed. There is absolutely no logic to these episodes, but no matter how much I tell myself that, I can't convince my own mind.
The panic attacks are not really surprising, I suppose - when I told the doctor I had increased cancer levels, had had my surgery cancelled, and was now waiting for more chemo, she said "you must have been devastated". Yeah, I guess that's pretty much the word. But there's nothing to be done about it; and when I do go on chemo, I know I'll get the best treatment the hospital has available. Still, I woke up at 4 this morning with my little heart pounding away, just like exam jitters, or driving lesson phobia, or vertigo, and it would not stop.
It didn't altogether help that the emergency surgery is in a tiny Portakabin. The waiting room was so tiny, I had to open the door and stick my head outside, and the examination room was not much bigger, and I had to ask to have the door left open.
It's not fun. Sorry to bang on about it. I was all heroic-like for the first few months, I think I'm in the 'something's gotta give' phase now.
And spare a thought for poor Judy, who has to deal with all this at first hand. I honestly don't know what I would do without her.
Now: onward! Excelsior, and that sort of thing.
(As if.)
We visited Sobell House, the hospice and day care centre affiliated with the Churchill, yesterday, btw - to talk to a doctor there, and to take a look around. I wasn't hugely overwhelmed, but I suppose it's one more group of people to turn to. Only not at night or at weekends, when you really need someone to turn to ... As far as the activities go, the only therapy I would really like is hypnotherapy, which they don't offer. They do do massages and yoga, but those are pretty fully booked. There's also 'music therapy' and 'art therapy', which don't inspire me. I once worked for a company that published a Musical Bingo game for the old and feeble; I wasn't expecting actually to be playing it just yet ...
