£6.49.
Really, that's all it cost to really make me happy. I know I'm cheap.
Determined not to stop doing everything I normally do, I pushed on. So Sunday came and I didn't have the energy to much more than a bit of nice gardening. Feet up with a cup of tea after the dead heading, I had a long browse on eBay. I had mistakenly entered a wrongly worded search, up came something I couldn't quite believe; the most amazing fabric hoard that had one hour to go and was only at 99p. Come bid time, I thought I'd be cautious and put £100 down. With twelve seconds to go I bid and won. £6.49. Knowing the price of the fabric, some of which sells for £100 a meter, I danced around the front room. Literally.
So today I've done a full days' work and driven 400 odd miles. I'm absolutely knackered. But having seen the fabric, I'd do it all again tomorrow. It is GORGEOUS! The lady who sold it was so lovely. I explained what I had planned for the fabric and she's very kindly offered to advertise my bags if I send her some photos. I seriously don't know where to start. Roll on the weekend!
As you can tell from the timing of this post, the insomnia is pretty dire. I was up at 4am yesterday and still wide awake now. I'm very aware crash and burn is imminent. I know it's going to happen and it's not going to be pretty.
The pre-op assessment on Monday, was not what I expected. The paperwork and tests I had were for day case surgery; it wasn't until one of the nurses asked me what I knew about the op that I twigged all was not well. I fear my excellent consultant and breast care nurse have not taken on board my resolve to have a bilateral mastectomy. I've read studies that say lumpectomies are comparable in long term outcomes with mastectomies and studies that say mastectomies are better. One doctor says one thing another says the opposite.
So why do I opt for the mastectomies? I nursed my mother who died from breast cancer, she was younger than I am now. She had a mastectomy and radiotherapy but the cancer returned in her remaining breast then spread to her liver. Then I watched many other family members die of cancer. So when I was diagnosed, I'd had 30 years to consider what I'd do. There was no angst, my mind was made up from the first day. Maybe understandably, my consultant who didn't know me was not ready to listen, I'm sure she thought it was a knee jerk, fear reaction. I was told that I was making "something so small into some thing so big". Roll on to now, over a month later. I've had 8 sets of biopsies in both breasts, countless mammograms, a contrast MRI and ultrasounds because they are weren't able to clearly demarcate the areas of concern. There is cancer in both breasts and I want what I want, only it's obviously not what they want. And there's the rub.
This stress is no doubt causing the insomnia and lack of concentration, and worsening the fatigue. I don't doubt for one second that the consultant has my clinical needs covered but from my perspective it doesn't feel like they support and respect my choice. Maybe your psychological health isn't important to them. Thursday is the meeting to finalise plans for surgery. That's one meeting I'd give anything not to attend.
