It's a year this week since J found the lump on his neck. We didn't say anything to anyone and neither of us put anything on Facebook to mark the date. Back in January I might have imagined myself writing a thankful post, maybe even putting a photo up of him during chemo and after. Perhaps I might have written something about it all seeming like a bad dream now. But I didn't, because it doesn't, we are still very much going through it.
Actually it has been a good week. We went to center parcs for the weekend with my parents, and my mum and dad thought J looked well. My mum, who was listening for it, said J definitely didn't sound croaky to her. He doesn't sound croaky to his mum either, so I have started to accept that maybe he doesn't sound croaky and it is my weird imagination. Added to this, everyone says tiredness is normal, so i've started to wonder if maybe everything is ok. And if we can just get to his next appointment on the 1st July, and if his blood tests are ok then, maybe i might let myself relax a bit....
However, there's no such thing as relaxing in this game, I should know that by now. Last night after he'd had his daily post work sleep (it's normal, it's normal, it's f'ing normal) J came down and said he'd felt something weird behind his ear and would I look. So I did and he has a small swelling. He says it is sore and itches. I said it's probably an insect bite and thought no more of it. This morning he said it was still there. "You can't get cancer of the ear can you?" he said, and we laughed and said probably not.
But then this morning when he'd gone to work and the kids had gone to school and i had half an hour to kill before work, I thought i'd maybe google it. I was reminded of this time last year - googling the lump on his neck and the sinking realisation that it was bad news. And I thought twice about doing it. But do it, I did, and there it was in black and white: Lymph node. F'ing lymph node. Who the hell put one there??! Apparently if it's bad news it will be fast growing and hard. I still think it might be ok as he said it was sore, so maybe a cyst?
Don't know but I really would like to get off this ride...
