My Dad died on 7th March 2012 after a long battle against cancer. It was a very difficult time when he died. I was 17 at the time and I was studying my A Levels to get into University. We had been told that it was expected that he wouldn't live very long, but that didn't mean that his death wasn't a shock because it really was. I was very close to my Dad, even if we didn't always see eye to eye. My biggest regret is that I didn't visit him very much when he was in the care home where he died, or when he was in Hospital. It upset me when I visited him although I didn't tell anyone this, so I just focused on my school work, which helped a lot because it took my mind away from what was happening. Even on the morning that he died I still went to Sixth Form because I wanted to feel "normal". I felt very numb on the bus ride to school that day, on my own. I felt very alone too, like I had no one to talk to at all. Luckily my best friend came in on her day off to look after me, which I appreciate very much. I was very lucky that all my teachers were on my side too and gave me the support that I needed.
It was a new experience for me when my Dad died. Everything felt different at home. He'd not been at home since October 2011 but knowing that he would never come back was really difficult to accept. My Mum threw out a lot of his stuff. I kept his Reading FC T-shirt. I hate football but it's special to me because it was his favourite top. I've never worn it and never washed because it smells like my Dad. I keep it with my clothes. When I smell it sometimes, I'm reminded of how he used to hug me when I was upset. I always think this sounds really stupid. I write letters to him too sometimes, telling him how my day was etc. and when I'm upset, how I feel, and that I miss him a lot. Father's Day is really hard. The first year I bought a Father's Day card and wrote it, and kept it. Last year I tried to pretend that it didn't exist, which upset me because I felt guilty. This year will be harder still because Father's Day falls on my 20th Birthday, and I will probably be at University.
I volunteer in a Sue Ryder Charity shop, because my Dad was in a care home funded by Sue Ryder. Volunteering means a lot to me because it's nice to know that I can give my time to the charity that helped my Dad. The staff at the hospice helped me personally too because they were always there when I wanted to chat. Before he went into Hospital, there were nurses from Macmillan Cancer Support who came to look after him sometimes, after he'd had chemotherapy and was feeling rough.
Even though it's been just over two years since he died, I still miss my Dad a lot every day. I hope that he is proud of me.
