So i'm in the shower with my partner (he's not The Great Big Lump btw) and i'm lathering up with my rather fine Molton Brown shower gel (warming eucalyptus if you like details) when I find it. The lump. Big. mahoosive really given the conservative size of my breasts (not complaining just saying).
I say to said partner, lets call him David because that's his name, have a feel of this,
Now this shower was not saucy in nature in any way. It was a joint shower due to us having a new baby (born May 2013) and a 2 year old so that, when they magically co-incide for sleep, we race Usain Bolt like in a bid to maintain socially acceptable levels of hygiene before either or both of them wake up.
So anyway he cops a feel. says something like "blimey that's big" and I become all dramatic and teary asking "is it cancer?" "what else can it be?" "I think its cancer. Do you think its cancer?" "Feel it again. It must be cancer. Is it cancer?"
David is an ex-policeman and thus not qualified to diagnose cancer or indeed any medical condition so he does what rational people who haven't just found a lump do. He tells me to calm down and ring the doctor.
Oh that life were so simple. Oh that I were not cursed with the most terrible timing. This was 6.20pm on Friday night. The GP surgery closed at 6pm and doesn't reopen until....Tuesday. Aaaaagh it's a bank holiday...
I panic (I did a lot of this at the start). I ring anyway and an out of hours doctor rings me back,
He asks his lump related questions and I answer them. He asks me how old I am. I tell him i'm 36 (because I am. This is no time for vanity) He asks me if it is painful. I say it is not. He says if it becomes painful I should go to A and E. Other than that I should wait to see my own GP on Tuesday as he knows my medical history.
And that is that.
I go to work on Saturday and my lump comes with me. I had hoped it would magically disappear overnight but that didn't happen. By Saturday night there is a throbbing at the site of the lump but it's bearable so I wait...
Sunday arrives and the lump seems bigger so, naturally, I convince myself I have a particularly fast growing form of cancer and take to Dr Google for "re-assurance".
I honestly don't know why I do this or if i'll ever stop even though I know i really should. Nothing good ever came from self-diagnosis.
Anyway I am reassured by the fact that most cancer lumps are painless.
Ah that's good because mine is starting to hurt like a bitch.
So much so that on Monday I find myself at Liverpool Royal Hospital's A and E Department....
