In this blog I want to address what it is like to live with the fear of cancer, post remission and post being told you may be cured.
In 1999 I was diagnosed with an Osteosarcoma in my right fibula bone. I was 12 years old and had never even heard of cancer before. The only person in my family to have had a cancer was my granddad who passed away before I was born - and nobody spoke of it. But the emotional and mental damage that did to family members is still with them today.
Over the last 14 years I have come to learn that people are terrified of the word cancer. Understandably the experience is far-reaching on many levels, it's not just the cancer survivor who has to live with it.
It's one thing having cancer as a child, you are protected on many levels and you have nothing to 'lose'. As an adult the thought of it coming back again taunts me everyday. Some days, most days, it's manageable but when I think of my life right now as a normal 26 year old, I worry constantly that I'm giving my body cause to allow it back into my life.
Having the odd cigarette, drinking, not eating the healthiest of food, lack of exercise aren't good for anybody least of all someone who has survived cancer.
But none of us are perfect, and when you have lived with this mental stamp for 14 years, there comes a point where you just want to be like any other 26 year old and not care.
There was a time when surviving cancer was my badge of honour, and so it should be for everyone who has experienced it. But I found myself left with mental and emotional scarring that was not recognised by my family, it was ignored and that tendency to ignore what's staring at you instead of dealing with it, makes the situation far worse.
As a teenager I tried talking to my school friends, one of them was receptive and consequently is still a great friend today.
Despite the far-reaching impact of experiencing cancer, mentally and emotionally, it can be a very isolating experience.
A few years ago, I woke up one morning with a massive lump on the right side of my face. Instantly I felt as if the world was plummeting. I felt as if it was all over, a list starting running through my mind about what I had to do, what was I going to do, where was I going to live, who would look after me? I was at the end of my final year of university, I had just gotten into a really good relationship and my entire future was ahead of me.
I sat in the GP surgery in tears openly crying because I couldn't believe this was happening, and my brain was so adamant that it was cancer. All of a sudden I saw right in front of me everything I could lose.
Turns out it was the mumps, which I hadn't of been immunised against.
But that memory and those feelings stay with me because it was the first real cancer scare with me on my own, living my own life.
The second terrifying cancer scare came in January 2013, where I was told I have abnormal cells reproducing in my uterus. A biopsy followed, and I was told that it was caught early so it won't turn into cancer.
The second cancer scare symbolises a new stage in my adult life. The first could have destroyed my education, my career and this new relationship. The second cancer scare was a sharp shock of realising that my actual cancer experience could very easily destroy my chances at reproducing and having a family with the man I now love from the new relationship in the first cancer scare.
The battle isn't done when the last chemotherapy finishes, it's on-going and it rests in the mind and the heart.
Everyday I get a bruise, or lump or ache in my right leg where the bone was removed and every single day I have to tell myself that it is not cancer, I have had an extreme operation which is why my leg is more fragile.
It's a hard game to play with your own mind because it can't be avoided, but it can be managed so it's overcome.
I hope in this blog, by sharing my experience of life post cancer, it can go some way in helping someone feel as if they aren't alone. I intend on exploring different management techniques.
And I hope I can encourage people to talk about it. Yes, it scares people but you have overcome something incredible and for that you deserve recognition, because it genuinely is an achievement. It's your personal achievement and there is so much to be learnt from it.
The conversation on the mental and emotional impact of living with cancer needs to be opened up. It scares people, rightly, but by talking about it and addressing it so much personal growth can come from it, for yourself and for others.
Knowledge and experience are power.
