Search this site
Its been two years and i haven't spoken much about losing my mum, i thought it might help to write it down.
I won't lie and say things have been going well, but i think we might have reached the crisis point where hopefully everything gets a bit better from now on.
Every morning that i wake up, i think to myself "i wonder how long it'll be until i'm reminded that my mum isn't around". Its quite funny some mornings because all i have to do is go downstairs, turn on This Morning with Phillip and Holly and theres an interview on about yet another casualty of the dreaded C word. I know i should be pleased that i'm constantly remembered, but i just wish that instead of reminded of how much i miss her advice and being there, that i was reminded of the good times that we had. I've been trying to read through her old journals and letters she wrote when she 18 and staying in America, but her journals portray a very sad lady with low self esteem, which just upsets me because thats not the mum i remember. She didn't take no shit, up until the very end she just wanted to know we were ok, and i hope she knows wherever she is.
My wife to be seems to hopefully be coming out her very down stage, she has been on lithium a week and to be honest i've lost all faith in mental health teams and doctors once again for the way that she has been overlooked. She had been having very unsafe thoughts and had self harmed a few times, we asked what kind of support we could get, this the so called professionals we asked here by the way, and they said "you should have the skills to get better yourself by now, and besides people who say they're gonna kill themselves never usually do it". No joke here, i have never been so frustrated with professionals for a lot of years, and i'm amazed i didn't swear more haha. I tried to keep my cool, but when the people that are supposed to help and give support are saying "do it yourself, your probably not at risk" even though you've told us that theres a very high risk of you hurting youself, they just highly irritated us. I think the wife's calmed down thanks to some hardcore diazepam, but does anybody out there have any advice for started on lithuim? It would be greatly appreciated, thank you all for listenin, i hope everybody takes the rough with a pinch of salt today. Like my mum used to do "don't take no shit".
This is my first blog, and probably the first time i've felt like going into any depth about losing my mum to breast and lung cancer, but here it goes, i know i'll probably flood my keyboard with tears but its ok because i have a spare one.
My mum battled cancer for three years and battled depression and other demons for over 40 years before that. My dad left when i was too young to remember so i suppose my mum was the main mother and father figure in my life, always full of compassion and ready to lay down the rules when me or either of my two brothers had been a pain in the arse, which we unfortunately usually were, but she still stood by us, never giving up on us no matter what trouble we would foolishly get ourselves into.
It must be now coming up to two years since she passed away, me and my brothers were there holding her hand when she took her final breaths, its still something i have both dreams and nightmares about, but she was in so much pain and had fought for so long that it just wasn't fair for her to keep going through it. I just remember being in a state of numbness after it for the next few months and i just couldn't think of what to do.
Thankfully my now fiance was there for me 24/7 and held me through the nightmares, and my friends were there for me too. My two older brothers took it in very different ways, my middle brother Dave who lives down in Cornwall near me was just as numb as me, not wanting to do any of the stuff like loading boxes and deciding what we each get, and my oldest brother John was the opposite, trying to act like the grown up and get everything done so he could get back to his own family in Leeds. I think at the time i was just glad we were all together for each other, but eventually i think John and Dave just got on each others nerves and there was a lot of anger between them, which left me as the youngest brother to try and keep things together so we could just get on with it start mourning properly without visits to the death certificate offices or horrible things like that.
I respect my brother John a lot for coming down to be with our mum on her last days and i think my other brother Dave was just angry for the other times John wasn't there and me and Dave were there for our mum. She had three years of hospital trips, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, one all clear, then another diagnosis. Her depression also at one point got so bad that she just turned off her phone and waited to die. That makes me very sad writing that, sorry to anyone reading that and getting sad from it too, but i think i need to write that stuff down, otherwise i never will.
I think my brothers clashed because Dave thought John should have been there more for mum and John was trying to keep busy and help us through it before he had to go back to Leeds. I said at the time how i wished they could see it from each others point of view, but we were all to high in emotions to think about anything really. When a close family member dies it seems like theres such a rush to get them buried or cremated and get the wake over with and get on with it. Thats how i felt anyway, everything was such a rush, the council gave us two weeks to get everything out of mums lovely little flat, the undertakers needed some kind of letter from the hospice, all this stuff and sorting through mums things without crying, it was horrible, but i am glad my brothers were there, even if one of them was too upset and the other was trying to ignore his feelings.
My mum had bad times and some good times in her last three years, the bad times were obviously the numerous hospital visits and her many down periods where she was sad, but the good times were times like when she decided to just pack a bag when she was feeling a bit stronger, jumped on a train, went to London to visit the botannical gardens then got another train to Scotland to visit her long time friends and then come back, all on her own. I'm 26 and i couldn't even do that on my own.
She was the strongest person i've ever known, and unbeknownst to me i have set myself up to marry the second strongest person i have ever known, my fiance and my life Corinne, or Cozzie as i call her. I certainly wouldn't be here without her, i drank a lot after my mum passed away and Cozzie kept an eye on that and made sure i didn't over do and relapse into the old me who used to do a lot of bad things.
Cozzie has suffered from anorexia nervosa and depression for over ten years now and her mum had also been diagnosed with a rare form of MS a lot of years back, so when we met up for the first time in 8 or 9 years since being in school together, we instantly clicked and had so much to talk about. In the two years we have been together we have been through so much of each others bad times and have always stuck with each other. She has had numerous hospital visits to do with her anorexia and i have broken down numerous times when thinking about my mum, but we have always been there for each other. Thankfully she is improving with her anorexia and is heading towards a level plain with her eating, we have been there before but i've never seen her this determined. We are planning to get married next year in May and want to have lots of holiday before that.
I think i've nattered long enough for now, i still have a lot to talk about, but my fingers hurt from typing and i think i need to make a bit of music or maybe play a game on my computer for a bit. Thank you for reading if you have read this. I have read many other peoples blogs and it amazes me how brave a human race we are to deal with these horrors we go through. Cancer is a thing that affects everyone, be they paitent or family, but i think its places like this where we can blog about it that are whats needed. I'll try and write a bit more tomorrow,
take care y'all.
If you have any questions about our organisation our Macmillan team would love to hear from you
You can also follow us on Facebook, Twitter, Flickr or YouTube.
© Macmillan Cancer Support 2010
what are these?