First chemo today. Really nervous. Seem to have been able to drag out the process for as long as possible. However, no escape now. It's today.
First the surgery. A few weeks of pain and recovery put it off. Then IVF. Another couple of weeks of daily injections and absolute trauma on 'egg harvesting day'. But hey, at least it meant no chemo. Then yesterday. Portacath fitted. That postponed it for another day.
Ok, of course the procedures' main goal was not to put off the chemo. They were all necessary to do before chemo started. In hindsight though, it has put off having to experience what I'm about to experience today.
It seems absolutely ages since I was diagnosed. When I work out exactly how long ago it was that I was diagnosed however, it was only on 28th August 2009. 10 weeks ago. Doesn't sound very long. Particularly as I can still get away (just) with counting it in weeks. Certainly not a long enough period of time to learn how to cope with having your life turned upside down, going through endless consultations, procedures and learning how to deal with something you really shouldn't ever have to know about in such detail.
Wednesday 4th November
Met my Oncologist. Felt more comfortable around her today. Felt she was a bit brash on previous meetings. Felt like she just wanted to get our meetings 'over and done with'. Yesterday was different. Like we were finally at the place where she could 'do her job' and excel at what she excels at. She was in her element actually. There was only one other thing to arrange before today's first chemo and that was the Portacath.
She had previously explained to me that after 6 cycles of chemo (totally 5 months), I would be on Herceptin IV for a year. Essentially 18 months of vein abuse. With only one arm now 'suitable' for blood pressure checks/bloods/canulars, I said that I wanted a Portacath before ANY of the chemo started. Quick phone call to her 'Line Man'. A doctor highly recommended for Portacath and line insertions. She asked his availability. Then she came back to me and enquired "Can you do tomorrow.....at 1.30pm?". "Yes" was the response leaving my mouth before I had really thought about it. Job done. No more referrals to other people to do things to me now. "I've also provisionally booked your first chemo in for Friday" she said. "Is it ok to do the day after the Portacath procedure?" I asked. "Absolutely fine" was the response.
I knew the time had come. I knew I had done everything possible to mentally and physically prepare for this day.
What the hell. May as well face this now and just get it all started
I asked her about steroids. Why they are given. All I've heard about them is that they make you eat like crazy. To be honest, being diagnosed with cancer made me do that all by itself. Don't really need any more encouragement on that front. "They're to help prevent sickness" she said. "Fine" I said. "I don't want them then. Is that possible? I mean I'll still get anti-sickness drugs won't I?" I asked without stopping. She confirmed and understood my reasons. She explained that certain chemo drugs required steroids, but that FEC did not. She said to see how I felt without the steroids and we could always change it later. To be quite frank, I'd rather feel nauseous and not eat than feel ravenous and eat even more. It's a very sad fact about me, but true. So it was all set.
Thursday 5th November
Arrived at the hospital at 9am. Had agreed with my Oncologist that I would have a general anaesthetic. I'd explained to her how I was for the IVF with the whole idea of sedation and how I'd been hysterical. Not a problem she said. So I was relaxed. Got into my gown and had a sleep! An hour later I lifted my head and suddenly it occurred to me that I should just make sure the nurses knew I was having a GA. Knock on the door. Nurse appeared. "Er.... no, you're down to be sedated" she said.
Panic filling me up...
I tried to explain as calmly as possible. Then the Anaesthetist came into my room. He was nice. I'd explained about the Medazelan and how it was just too traumatic. He stopped me. "I use Propofol" he said. I know this one. This is the best kind of sedation. They couldn't use it for my IVF because it requires an Anaesthetist and the IVF people only had a nurse available. Propofol puts you to sleep. He explained that I would also be given a local anaesthetic so I wouldn't 'wake up' from any pain during the procedure.
Have to trust this guy. He's not gonna lie to me...
Then the 'Line Man' walked in. Nice chap. Went through everything. Then said to the Anaesthetist and the nurse he was ready to start. WHOA! 2 hours early! Better ring my boyfriend and tell him. He was due take a half day off work to be with me. I was ok though. Told him that I'd see him when I woke up.
In recovery. Procedure over. All good stuff. Didn't feel a thing. Nice and sleepy too. Boyfriend arrives a few minutes later. Excellent. Back to sleep. Mmmmm.
Today
Neck sore. Quite tender around the port site. Feels like it's all pulling. Been told that will all settle down. Not sure how they're gonna dig the needle in for the chemo without it really hurting, but just trying to 'decide' that I'm just gonna have to cope with it. At least they'll be no pain in my arm after chemo or knackering of my veins so...
And that's it really. My boyfriend has 'run out of favours' at work with getting any more time off. He'll join me after work for the last couple of hours. A close friend of mine will come with me for the start. Packed two magazines and my iPod to keep me busy in amongst all the gossip I have to relay to my friend, about someone we both know ;-)
