Well yesterday was a horrible day, woke up a 1am with my legs in agony, took some painkillers and walked around for a bit and it subsided so I went back to bed. Then I woke up again at about 4am and with exactly the same thing, this time unable to take any painkillers because I'd already taken codeine and paracetamol. I was feeling angry, pissed off and just gutted that yet again I didn't get any sleep. All day I just felt low, tired and anxious, everything I tried to do just screwed up and I got upset. For instance, tried to make myself breakfast, dropped an egg on the floor and pretty much broke down and started crying... just felt like I couldn't even look after myself, I know its all the steroids, mood swings plus the lack of sleep but it just makes you feel pathetic. Still I haven't been taking any of the diazapam or sleeping pills, I've just been talking it through with people and calming myself down, which has got to be a good thing.
Anyway, it was a bad day, I managed too get a bit more sleep later on in the day and felt a lot better. Plus we've figured out that the pain in my legs is due to poor circulation, so last night when I went to bed I made sure my legs were raised with pillows and I slept straight for a good 5-6 hours so I feel better this morning, probably try and get a couple more hours again later on.
With my neutrophyll levels really low at the moment not being allowed to go out to crowded places anyway is really starting to get to me, finding things to do around the house is getting tough, god knows why I've got tons of games and I'm never alone so theres always somebody to do stuff with, plus I want to start working on my Uni work but when I try and do it with not much sleep, blurry vision and a bit of a fuzzy brain it feels like I'm screwing it up and I get all anxious and upset about it. Again I know its the steroids and the radiotherapy and it WILL fade. but right now I just feel useless and I just can't seem to hold on to that positivity I had.
Having said all that, there have been moments in the last week where I've felt brilliant, my friends came to see my the other day and that was brilliant, I felt proper anxious about it beforehand just because I thought I'd be a mess but it was great. Plus sometimes after I've slept well my mind feels so clear and everything just comes together, so I KNOW this is going to get better.
FormerMember
I still take steroids for what appears to be rheumatoid arthritis following lung cancer surgery. Obviously the op damaged my shoulder and kicked it off. The pain spreads everywhere, hands, shoulders, knees, feet, almost everywhere. The steroids are doing OK now at controlling the pain[ 'till the cold weather returns] but the side effects are crap. Especially the moods and emotions. You say the doc has given you diazepam, USE IT, I do and my quality of life has improved a lot. I dont need it all the time and only take it 'as and when' . Anxiety is terrible, it wears you out mentally and physically and leaves you incapable of normal living. The diazepam just 'gives you a break' from it.
I've never had to take steroids but I know the feelings of despair and fear that come over you and can identify with them. Try to think that there is nothing to fear except fear. I also have found it helpful to think - okay - what is the worst scenario - death - accept that and put it to the back of your mind. Any life threatening condition is a roller coaster of emotions - go with the the ups and flow with the downs and know that however bad you feel - it will go away. I find it helps to look at myself in the mirror and give myelf a good talking to! I have lorazepam too but haven't used it yet however I know it's there if I have to. Music is a great way of taking you out of yourself too and if you can possibly do it try to find a funny side - very difficult I know. Sometime I think - well things could be worse and I picture all the things that I would find a 'fate worse than death' like for instance - ending up in an old folks home - waking up to find I had gained 5 stones in weight - having to listen to my husband talking about his work continually - compulsory bad hair days - being forced to join the army!
Sorry to hear you are having a bad time. However, you should use your Diazepam and sleeping tablets you will feel so much better for having a decent sleep. You don't have to all take the Diazepam all the
time, Bert tase 3 a day some days and then he can go for days without needing any. You will still have weepy days as Bert does but you will also have more good days if you get a decent sleep
Hi Will, I so hope you are taking on board some of the comments and advice here! It is worth taking the medication prescribed, it really would not have been given unless it was deemed appropriate at this time, and I do mean at this time. Sleep is good, a favourite saying in my house if a child was poorly, or even had a graze was, 'it will be better in the morning' and invariably it was, only because they had been dispatched to bed early. A trivial example Will, but anyone, without your 'problem' who maybe tired and stressed could react just as you did when you broke the egg, and you have SO much more on your plate - and let's face it, an egg goes everywhere! So the message is take the sleeping tablets and diazepam if needed. Your blood counts will soon start to rise as the BM starts functioning.
You will have more and more good days when you feel brilliant! These grotty dark days will pass and soon became a distant memory, with only tyhe blogs to remind you and actually help other folk as well. I did not manage to find the webpage my brother set up, but he documented chapter and verse for just that reason.
Have a good weekend, pills 'n' all and we all look forward to a blog with more 'brilliant' moments in it.
