Hi everyone I am new to this website
My wife was diagnosed with clear cell endometrial cancer 3 days ago. Which was obviously terrible news, however since my wife and I are both from a surgical background we both expected it. However since then she has stayed in bed, not eaten, nor slept, she feels sick all the time, is crying almost constantly and is visibly shaking. It doesn't help that her sister and father both died from cancer and both were not really 'good' deaths.
I've taken some time off work and have tried to be there for her and we've talked as much as she's able to anyway but nothing seems to improve her condition. I've contacted her GP but all they did was to give her some diazipam which hasn't helped in any way.
So really I'm looking for idea's as what to do.
Hello digitalwindow Welcome to the group, though I’m very sorry to hear the reasons why you and your wife find yourself here. Getting a cancer diagnosis is a nasty shock for everyone involved, whether you’re the patient or the patient’s loved one. Speaking from my own experience I can only say that it took time to begin to process what I’d been told. There were times I needed to talk but at others I just wanted to be quiet and to think and sometimes I wanted not to have to think at all - at least not about the cancer. I found things became a little easier emotionally once I knew the treatment plan.
It sounds like you’re doing lots of positive things to help your wife - talking, listening, just being there are all important. Giving time and space is good too. If your wife struggles to talk about it with you (and believe me it’s incredibly hard to talk to loved ones about it sometimes) she might find it helpful to talk to someone who’s not directly involved, perhaps a counsellor or maybe to one of the volunteers on our helpline on 0808 808 0000 The helpline is open 7 days a week from 8-8. If your wife has been allocated a clinical nurse specialist she will be another source of support for you both and she may be able to suggest ways of helping your wife through this initial difficult phase.
My other thought would be that as the shock subsides and the physical reactions diminish, it may help to gently encourage your wife to do the things she normally enjoys. It’s normal to feel that your world as you know it has suddenly come crashing down around you but there’s also a sense in which life is still going on and all the good things that were in our lives before diagnosis are still there. I hope that over the next few days and weeks you and your wife will begin to find some peace about what’s happening. Please feel free to ask us any questions as you need to. This group is a safe space to wait, to share and to find support. Thinking of you and remembering you in my prayers
Thanks for your reply. I will try and get her to ring but at the moment she’s finding it hard to do anything. Hopefully these symptoms will eventually cease. I am really worried though as this sort of reaction is totally unlike her.
If your wife doesn't feel like talking over the phone maybe you could encourage her to join this site.
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Sorry you find yourself here. Having been a cancer carer (for daughter and husband), and then having cancer myself I can honestly say I think its worse being the carer!! I felt very helpless at times.
Your wife is probably in shock. I can remember when we were told husband had throat cancer (13years ago) we both could not think for about a week. Kept putting things down and forgetting where I left them!!! All I could think of was that my grand father died with the same complaint 50 years previously. I would try and get her to do her normal things when she calms down. I know I just had to get into the countryside, and appreciate everything I live for. Perhaps a meal out, if she is up to it.
My husband was very positive with me, as you seem to be. When the consultant told me what she was going to do, I said 'is it worth it? 'I didn't want a lot of hurting for nothing!!! My husband just said 'Its a no brainer', and the consultant agreed!! She could well feel better when there is a plan of action.
All the best. xxxxxx
Hello digitalwindow, I very sorry to hear about your wife's diagnosis but also the shock and upset you will be in. Its important for you both to look after yourselfs I can see you both have medical backgrounds but ultimately it doesn't prepare you for the shock. It sounds very likely that she in shock I know when I was diagnosed I completely lost my appiecate and didn't want to eat and what I did it seemed very difficult to eat. I was really totally shocked but angered too as I knew something was very wrong and had a fight to push for diagnosis and when I heard the words I just felt like I was watching in the room and someone else was the one diagnosed. I would encourage her to join the community too and I would definitely suggest you joining the carers only group we have so that you get support yourself, what you are doing for her is wonderful but you need to look after you too. After the deaths in her family she's bound to feel that fear and obviously very scared being there for her will do note good then you realise and all you can do is encourage her with small portions, I can only go by how I was it was surreal really as my Dad took it worse then me I was the one being practical and trying to show I was wasn't afraid and I kept level headed but inside I was a nervous wreak. Maybe if she speaks to others in her situation she may feel comfortable to talk out her fear and know she's being very well supported. Its always difficult because people respond different some like to bury their heads in the sand, some just give up on all life and others push for getting though it as best as they can.
Sending you both a gentle hug
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I wasn't really up to talking about my diagnosis at first, it took me a few weeks to get my head around everything, I buried my head in the sand a bit. It must be tough trying to find the balance between being supportive and trying to encourage your wife back into day to day life. Is there anything that she will get up for? Or a close friend / other family member she might talk to?
To get out of my own head I had to process my way through every possible eventuality and make my peace with it. Do you have a treatment plan yet? That made things better for me, knowing I could start taking action.
I didn't find the site until after my operation but when I did it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing I wasn't alone and that lots of people on the site were living with womb cancer and being successfully treated.
All my love to you both,
I also am from a Medical Background, my Endometrial Cancer was diagnosed only a few weeks ago. I know exactly how your wife feels, it seems to me she is still in a state of shock. When I was I cried and did not eat for about 3 days. I felt when I ate I was feeding the cancer and making it bigger.
This was a response to the shock and when I researched (And I did a lot) it was the knowledge that allowed me to move on and do something about it.
It is an absolute rollercoaster and for me a life changer. I found myself many times aching for the normality before diagnosis, but we have to live in the present and deal with it as best we can. The worst times for me are appointments as the pure reality hits you hard. But I can say that no matter the fear you feel keep pressing forward and doing everything to make this situation the best outcome you can.
I got to Maggies Centre when I need support and they are brilliant. There is also a phone number for MacMillian for support. Some hospitals have their own Macmillian Centre you culd call and ask for advice.
Wishing you both well. xx
hi @digitalwindow, i extend my sympathies to you and your wife in this difficult situation. you are a superb husband that you are being with her all the time, she is lucky to have a husband like you. yes, she is in shock and you need to understand that she would take time to come out of it. dont be so normal so soon, give her time and maybe she doesnt need you to be with her all the time. please go out to work, get some positivity in the house. give her time to fight her own demons, women are strong she will come out of it,she doesnt need your constant presence she needs your support as she knows she has to fight this dreaded disease by herself. one of the reason for her not talking could be you as she does not want you to feel weak as she has been diagnosed, i can say that bcs i feel the same way for my husband, i believe he is too weak to bear my loss. be her strength and not her weakness. gradually move to normal, let a weekend pass where she has not eaten properly or not slept at night. let her come out of it organically. after 2-3 weeks you can also invite her sister (if any) or her mom to your place and let her speak to them on her own, just make sure whoseoever you get to be with her is a positive person and doesnt fill her with pessimism. move to the regualr stuff and once you ask her well being do not keep asking her about the same, divert her mind, watch a movie at home or play a game or whatever you two enjoy doing together. get a dog, they know how to love, she will love to have a partner who is not sympathetic towards her but love her. i am sure she will show improvement in her condition soon.god bless.
Hi digitalwindow. Has Mrs digitalwindow been told a treatment plan yet? I felt more focused once I had an idea of what was going to happen to me. At that point I looked around myself at home and thought, OK I need to get organised here, and I went into project-manager mode organising help that I would need after a hysterectomy. As the surgery was to happen very soon after my diagnosis I did not have much time to mull things over then, I was just busy going through my to-do list. Looking back, I think once I got that diagnosis it was as if I saw myself at the bottom of a hole and realised I was going to have to climb out bit by bit. Which is miserable feeling. I guess your wife has hit that bottom-of-a-hole point. I do hope she is feeling calmer now and that she has something lined up to look forward to. Even a favourite TV program can be a boost on a tough day. Best wishes to both of you, I hope things go well for her from now on.
Me again, just to clarify something in my last post. I had endometrial cancer however it was a different sort, not clear cell. I was treated successfully by having a total hysterectomy and removal of fallopian tubes and ovaries.
All the ladies here have given good advice. Through my local hospice, I was advised to ask my gp for a Macmillan nurse referral, which I got. At that point it was for the pain I had. She comes to your house (as, no doubt, a Marie Curie nurse would too) and that could be a good help. Through her, I was referred to a counsellor, who had been a nurse for years and was going round the hospice wards, so she could answer all my questions, which allowed me to 'move on'. I can phone her any time I like. I also was given complimentary therapies which was lovely pampering. Maggies Centres are very good also. As she is in bed, maybe putting radio 2 on with a diffuser for scent and a hot water bottle for comfort. And maybe hot chocolate, or luxury cream. Take it from me, these little things add up, and help you to 'waken up', as it were. And include yourself in it!
I had my op Nov 16, but it never wholly went away, and now I apparently have little blood clots in my lungs. Take each day at a time - and give her time. We are all different xx
Lots of love
Hi Digital window, I'm sorry to hear about your wife's diagnosis which will have come as a dreadful shock to you both. I'm actually think her reaction is perfectly natural and understandable. I can well remember going completely to pieces when I was diagnosed last year. Everyone deals with this differently and we all come to terms sooner or later? She should have been allocated a specialist nurse or CNS and I think it's perfectly in order for you to ring her if your wife feels she can't just yet. A chat with the nurse should help you to get your head round the situation and to take on board the practical things such as what happens next and how to prepare. It sounds like you are being great and the more calm and practical you can be, the better. By going about as normal and just being calmly supportive, you will help her through it. You and your wife are likely facing surgery and possibly follow up treatment. But it's all doable even if sometimes tough and she'll get through it just fine.
Hello Me Digital window I am just coming through my reoccurence I was stage 1a grade 1 had the surgery and it was told to me that I was 'cured' well I wasn't and 7 month later I have had brachetherapy and my follow up is next Monday band I have felt a tiny lump at the spot where i experienced excuriating pain during the treatment and I have been in discussed with the hospital that this could be something from vagina trauma. We will see. Why have I shared this because I was exactly the same as your wife at my first diagnosis and was worst waiting for my CT scan for my second. Prior to my diagnosis my only experience of cancer was kinda third hand and that was death. Have no direct experience of people surviving disease free or living with managing cancer. This forum with the lovely ladies are part of my journey who understand and share. I am not brave I live with fear every day but I am trying for my family to live honestly. Your wife needs you but she will need other survivors to help her but she will need to find them and forums like this when she is ready. I hope she can find some pathway soon so that she can find a support network to help her through this. Hug to you both xxDawn
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