Feels like brother and sister

Hi. I am a wife of a post prostatectomy patient carried out in May 18 at aged 59. We had a great sex life and after the op there was movement shall we say so I thought fabulous we have little nerve damage from the op. However even though he can he now chooses not to and has buried his head in the sand which has meant that there is now no sexual contact at all which makes me resent him big time. It may sound harsh but I thought he would be relieved that it still worked!  Clearly not. No sex of any kind for the past 2 years. That door has definitely closed in his eyes but it’s just like the elephant in the room that we don’t speak about. We live like brother no sinter now and we even sleep apart after nearly 40 years of marriage I never thought I would be in this position. I just can’t seem to get over the no intimacy and feel very alone as he acts like this is normal. How can I get myself to be ok with this situation and feel the love for him again?  Help!  I am a very sad lady married to a 62 year old. Thank you 

  • I’m so sorry that you are both suffering from the brutal fall out of this terrible disease. Remember neither of you asked for any of this and he is likely to painfully feel your resentment  To be honest I think you need help with this. Talk to your GP when you can and maybe see a counsellor for support… Maybe together…I’m sad for the loss in your relationship but you are not alone and there is help out there.. talking to each other from a loving place can help a lot..I’m no expert but please seek advice. Much love to you lovely 

  • You both need counselling if you can encourage your husband to go to counselling that would be great but you can also access this on your own and hope that your husband will go along with you eventually.  The best place to start is with your GP or Macmillan or other cancer charities you may have access to who can point you in the right direction.

  • This is a fairly common problem and there should be a way out of it, but you'll probably have to be quite delicate and tactful in your approach to it. If you haven't done so already I suggest you have a look at information produced by Prostate Cancer UK which is informative, and they also have a sexual support service which you might find useful to explore. You could also ask for advice using the "Ask an Expert" tab on this site which could also be useful to point you in the right direction. Otherwise, as others have said, try your GP if they are able to respond to you, but don't just be fobbed off by prescription of erectile dysfunction pills - this is as much psychological as physical for many men.

    Because you had a great sex life before this setback I'm sure your husband feels at least as bad as you do about it and it is likely to have affected his self confidence and feelings of wellbeing. I hope you can both find your way through this and enjoy a fulfilling sex life again, making maximum use of the treatment he has undergone. Sex in the future might not be quite the same as it was before but I can assure you it can still be great. 

    Made in 1956. Tested to destruction.
  • Thank you so much. I appreciate your help and guidance 

  • Thank you so much. I appreciate your help 

  • Thank you. I appreciate your help 

  • Hi Sis62

    Like myself I to no longer have relations with my wife, sometimes it tears me apart this has gone on for over five years, mainly because raising testosterone helps the cancer. Having said this I do everything else in my power to keep our relationship going, always telling my wife how much I love her, doing silly things that make her laugh, cooking her favourite meals anything.

    With me, I have explained my reason above being incurable I want to stay with her as long as possible. In your husbands case he’s had a drastic change in his life, where in his eyes he could have died, I say this as maybe he’s trying to distance you, so if anything did happen your grieving would not be as great. ( this is only an opinion ) we have all gone through some type of change after getting PC some worse than others, it definitely sounds like you need to speak to a McMillan nurse, or better still if there’s a Maggies centre near you that’s the place to go.

    stay safe hope you sort things out.

    Joe

  • It’s good too hear from the other side. It feels like it’s my problem not his so I will defo go down the counselling route. Keep well x

  •  I feel your anguish, my wife and I hadn’t been intimate for years prior to pc. I’m now on hormone therapy so it bothers me less. Still would be nice to receive an unsolicited hug or even for her to choose to hold my hand. It seems all one sided, indeed prior to treatment I would seek intimacy but be turned down that I stopped trying. Nearly went elsewhere but thankfully didn’t. She has been a rock through and post treatment but still hanker after physical contact (not sex) 

  • I also had the da Vinci. I have noticed a loss of libido. Whether that's a natural consequence of the operation or just growing old I don't know. When needed the little blue pills are employed. We also sleep apart but that's because the both of us could snore for England. I am perhaps very lucky in that I have a very understanding partner

    Good luck.