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Breast cancer

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He asked me to leave

Charlieandlola
Posted by

Hello

I'm so destroyed right now. Got clear margins from my surgery and continue treatment of herceptin till next year. Radiotherapy next.

Knew husband (shitface) was cheating but I need to get thru the next few months and build my strength before I can deal with it all.

Today he said now I'm "better" I need to leave. Its half my house?????? Why should I go! Hes not even earning a wage at the moment and is living off me. I'm devastated I dont think my mental health can take much more. Knowing he loves someone else hurts me deeply even though I knew from his reputation he could do this to me. I need to get strength and get thru this next blow. 

Love julie x 

Charlieandlola
Booby J
Posted by

Hiya, you are stronger than you know. Anybody who is going through breast cancer somehow gets strength from somewhere. You need to stay positive to get through this. It seems like your husband is not worth fighting for if he is straying. Put all you strength into fighting to get well again and don't waste time on him, he is not worth it.  I am sending you big hugs and hope that your journey is a very positive one.

No one is as important as yourself. Please look after yourself and get yourself better.  I myself a had a mastectomy in April and feel so relieved the cancer has gone.  

Wishing you lifetime of happiness without your cheating husband. 

Nobody deserves what he had done to you, nobody.

Be strong.

BoobyJ.

Charlieandlola
Posted by

Hello 

I know you are right in what you are saying I just think it's so cruel. He told me he only kept with me because I got cancer which seemed to make it worse somehow.

Glad you are cancer free and I wish you love and happiness x

Julie x

Charlieandlola
Ju72
Posted by

Hi lovely , 

My advice is tell him to leave,  hes the one who cheated . And you need to shield. He sounds a right shit treating you this way. Bjt you'll be stronger without him. I know its easker said than done but better to do it alone then feel you owe him anything. I live alone and am undergoing chemo and will be having rads starting in july. 

You are already stronger than you think. 

You take care of you 

Julie x

WhatHappened
Posted by

Fruit Loop in need of help.....

 Julie,

You are not alone - you have all of us supporting you as best we can - and I tell you, the support although it may seem virtual, it is real!! ... and genuine.  First......

Congratulations on your clear margins - This is brilliant news, as so many have to have more operations.  So firstly, very well done

Now then, you knew hubby was cheating and you knew what he was like - we all think we are the one to change this type.... and then we grow up, have our eyes opened and wonder what we ever seen in them.  Looks and attitude are one thing, but, one thing that is really ugly in a good looking guy is how they treat their lady.... and your guy is looking very ugly from here.  

My thoughts....

a) Don't tell him anymore about how you are or how your treatment is or what you have to have done, etc.... it is none of his business, he is not interested other than to help himself - certainly won't be helping you (and you certainly don't want him with you out of pity - or if his relationship with the other un-suspecting suspect fails). 

b) Tell him to leave - he is the cheat - he goes!!

c) Tell him - you are going 'no where' no where at all!1 (cheeky ****** "swear word")

d) You take deep breaths and realise - your relationship is over, its finished.

e) You take deep breaths and realise - your 'c' has gone - its taken out with clear margins - you just have 'belt and bracers'.

f) You take a deep breath and realise 'YOUR LIFE IS JUST BEGINNING'.

You will feel stronger and better in yourself if you can keep reminding yourself 'you don't need him'.

I don't think he will want to leave the home, but tough, if he wants out... out is where he is going - you're going nowhere - cheeky ****

Let him go live with his affair!

Honest Julie, you don't need him and this stress - you are starting on your new path YOU CAN DO THIS - YOU CAN and don't fall for ... 'him wanting you back' when he sees how well you are doing!  

and as for 'only kept with you because you got 'c'..... well ...

a) he didn't help you - so what was the point!

b) he says he only kept with you - well, he can go now - here's his bag, coat and any other crap ... off he goes.

You don't want to be with someone like this!!! Like the 'c' - get rid of him.

Big Hugs xxx

Londonmumof2
Posted by

Absolutely agree. He needs to leave as you need to shield. It would be a good idea to seek professional advice on this as he is also causing you emotional trauma. He sounds like a real piece of work!

“Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet.  Stephen Hawking,
Kwissy
Posted by

Hi Charlieandlola,

Sorry I missed your post yesterday.I am so pleased that your cancer is out and that the margins are clear.Such good news Congratulations

As to your other half well words fail me ,how can he be so cruel and thoughtless.As all the others have said you would definitely be better on your own ,he's been no help at all from what you have said.Stay put in the house and get legal advice as soon as you can .Maybe "Relate" would be able to give you some pointers over the phone- I'm not sure but just a thought. No doubt others in this fab group will be along to advise accordingly. You need to know where you stand legally and then deal with it accordingly.

Try and take care of yourself ,you need your strength for the treatments coming up and you ARE strong.Much love and big hugs Kwissy

Grogg
Posted by

  blooming heck I didn't think there could be more than one callouos, cruel a!sehole on my radar !  My friend's hubby went on a cruise with his mate after she couldn't go as she had been diagnosed with BC.  He met a woman on cruise and had an affair with her for 6 years!  His wife was in the dark until the other woman rang her (twice, a year apart).  He was mentally controlling of his wife, stopped her using car so she was isolated and as her family disliked him she was estranged from them to a degree!  Finally on second call she called her family for support and they came and kicked him out and changed the locks.  She immediately severed any joint bank acounts, informed mortgage company so he couldn't sell house etc.    He took her to court to be allowed to live in the house with her - she had no where to go and 5 animals, he could live with his other woman or his mother!  The judge ruled they couldn't live together so no one could be in house and animals had to go into kennels and share expense - both retired and couldn't afford.  So a week before xmas she was homeless and had to sleep on family's sofa!!  Dreadful way to treat a person in their late 60s by court but she didn't give up and went back to court and is now living back in house but she has to give her ex keys but he can't go there when she is there.   But 7 months on she's happier and feeling the most positive she has in years!  Yes it's been hard and she is struggling financially as she only has a small personal pension plus state pension but she contacted his union who have given her financial support as she's still his spouse and qualifies for hardship (pm me if you want more details).  

If you are scared/afraid of your husband.  If he is physically or mentally abusive you can seek help from Domestic Violence https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help.  Abuse isn't just physical.

so:

  • Sever joint bank accounts now.  Ring your bank and explain and set up new account.  Redirect your income to your new bank account.
  • Get an estate agent to value your house
  • After you've done this tell him to get out
  • Decide whether you are offering to buy him out or sell house - unless your house is very valuable and 1/2 sale proceeds will buy you a new house my advice would be to buy him out - reason costs tens of thousands to buy and sell and your income might not allow another mortgage on new property.  You should be able to remortgage though to buy him out but it might mean extending the loan term.
  • Engage a solicitor - if you are a member of a union ask them for help with this.

You are strong enough to get through this.


Carol
4 year NEDDY!
Charlieandlola
Posted by

Hello 

Thanks for amazing response from everyone. I've opened a bank account in my name today and my wages will be paid into it from now on. I received a bunch of red Rose's today from my friend Jacqui and as I wasnt at home when they arrived (at hospital getting herceptin) he took them in. When I arrived home he asked who they were from and appeared very jealous. Think he thought they were from a man being red roses. I told him they were from Jacqui and he said, "oh good". He now seems very edgy and trying to be nice but I'm seeing him as a disease I've just kicked the ass of so hes not getting anywhere with me. I need to take each bit of advice and sort it slowly.

The bank bit is done.

Julie x

Charlieandlola
WhatHappened
Posted by

, I've got to say ..... fantastic advise. 

To see how others see and deal with problems on here always amazes me.  Groggs advise and in bullet points is truly awesome...

(are you any good with giving advise on 'getting office paperwork done' instead of avoiding it and how to stop procrastinating at the same time). 

Seriously though, this advise is brilliant - but please don't fall for him being nice or taking an interest in you .... you need to remember how cruel he is and that he is seeing another woman - you are right ..... he needs to go!! It may seem hard and you may wobble - just look how far you have come already.  

This is the start of your new life.  

Grogg
Posted by

 re paperwork !  I worked a local authority accountant and my hubby used to have own business and I did his accounts !  I always put off until the deadline as I just couldn't be arsed!  In work though I'm in the ball !  
i find it helpful now I'm retired to schedule, with reminders , boring tasks that need doing !  I even have a reminder to put bins out!  Today's task was to list 15 items on eBay and 15 tomorrow ! 

Regarding divorce/splitting assets my logical finance mind comes to front !  Two friends with children split and I told them stay in house as I knew they would not be able to buy a house on their own when they factor in buying and selling fees.  Both said no my mortgage advisor said I could borrow x but when I insisted on sitting them down and setting out clearly how much it would cost they stayed put !  Now just trying to tell my daughter when she has a house /mortgage her Charlotte Tilbury make up / creams will have to go !  She says she will still be able to afford ! I'll wait to say It told you so'!


Carol
4 year NEDDY!