Marriage & brain tumour

Hey guys,

hope you’re all well and had a great Christmas. 

I have a astrocytoma grade 2 benign brain tumour and due to have chemotherapy in less than 3 weeks. My husband doesn’t talk to me anymore nor does he invite me out anymore. He’s been out more than I’ve had hot dinners! 
I don’t have any friends close to me, my 2 best friends live over an hour away and I can’t drive because of my seizures. 

it was planned that we go to see my best friend for new year but he has deliberately sent our daughter to his mums so he can go to work with his friend or work at the leisure centre. Feels like he has control on what, when and where I go. 
He does a guilt trip thing “is it ok if I go, are you sure” puts me right on the spot then does things to make me “happy” - taking my laptop, getting me a drink and snacks then gives me a kiss and says bye (around 8ish) don’t know what time I’ll be back. I had no idea where he was until a photo was on Facebook around 11ish. 

last night (28/12/19) he was going to spend time with me but instead he went out and had fun whilst I’ve been at home stuck in the house since Boxing Day with our daughter! He normally sends her to his mums so I “have a break”. The day after his “night of fun” he wants to go window shopping with me. If I knew me, I HATE all kinds of shopping. 

my and our shared friends do not like him now or at all and other people are starting to notice what he’s actually like and I’m starting to feel embarrassed by him. 

we have done counselling and that didn’t work. I need some advise. feel like it’s all falling apart in front of me and I can’t do anything about it because he’s never in the wrong then twists and puts it back on me. I don’t know what to do. 

thank you in advance 

  • Dear Kaydey23 ... I didn't want your question to go unanswered, but I can't claim to have any solutions really. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time.

    I guess it might help to separate the various elements and deal with them individually? So, if there's any way to gather support around you, so that you feel less isolated; whether your daughter going to her granny is really helping you; if there are any support groups your health team can help you access and so on. I think that health worries can put a big strain on relationships, and it might be that your husband is having a hard time dealing with his feelings or worries? I know you've already tried counselling, but it might help if you could both talk about what you're going through - to each other, or to a friend/family member or to a professional of some kind. The Macmillan helpline might be able to lend a listening ear, and I imagine that the stresses and strains of illness on family life is a topic that comes up quite often.

    When my husband was ill a few people did things that I thought were insensitive at best, and it really upset me. My mother pointed out that 'they meant well', which was probably true. People found it very hard to deal with my feelings, and with their own. Sometimes they said things that were extremely unhelpful, and sometimes they just stayed out of the way because it was all a bit too much for them. The good news is that once the crisis point was past, we were able to forgive one another and move forward.

    I do hope your chemotherapy goes OK and that you get the support you need to deal with it. Best of luck, and a big virtual hug.

  • Hi KD

    Have a look at our past posts?

    POVs & how we’ve (just about) stayed together.

    Totally understand how you’re feeling. It’s pants but we’re 7 years into a grade 3 & lots to share. Private Messages if you’d prefer??

    All the love,  L & V