The Room

That little space where you can rant and rage and then close the door and leave it behind.

Is there ever light at the end of the tunnel

Posted by

Hi everyone,

Sorry that its me thats here again, seems that its always me annoying people.

I just need to get out of here and need space and time to do things on my own.

things havent been going well for me since my operation last summer. Still cant feel anything in my legs, so i think doctors have given up thinking that i might get the feeling back. I'm starting to feel like they might aswell give up with me completely.

At first i think i kind of accepted being in a wheelchair, i was taking things fairly well. Then all of a sudden things seem to hit me and i couldnt cope. With my leukaemia still heavily affecting my body, it meant that i had to have more greuling treatment and i hit a really dark patch.

My body didn't take to chemo and treatment very well and my body became really ill and weak. It seemed everything that could go wrong was going wrong.

My family have been with my throughout all my treatment and i cant thank them enough, i just think i owe them so much as they have given up so much to be with me.

Im still having treatment but i dont know how long i can go on for. Sport was my passion before and now i havent been able to do any for ages! I always wanted to become a PE teacher and i know i wont be able to persue that path anymore so i dont know why im carrying on with things. It just seems that theres nothing i want/can do in a wheelchair and with treatment as grueling as ever i just dont know when im going to be able to go home or even if theres a chance of me reaching remission.

Sorry for taking people's time. I needed to let things off my chest. Being stuck in hopsital and not being able to do things like i used to has built up and i need to find a way of letting things out. I think ive cried enough for the next 5 years but for some reason I seem to be so emotional lately.I'm just going to sit in the corner for a while, hopefully it will give me a rest from looking at my four hospital walls!!

i hope everyone is doing well.
Cath xxx

Little My
Posted by

Hi Sweetie

It is lovely to hear from you and first of all don't you ever ever dare feel bad for posting in here. THis is what the room is for and I can tell you some of us have had our fair share of rants in here!

I am so sorry you are stuck on hospital still. If you are able, get your sister to take you out round the grounds a bit so at least you get some wind on your face and a change of scene.

I went bonkers being stuck in for a couple of months so can't imagine how rotten it must be for you but I can tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel and don't ever give up!!!

You are an athlete and you know how you cannot give up can you? You keep on going and keep training and keep pushing till you reach your goal. Your goal has to move sideways a bit. That's ok. Sometimes what we think we want isn't always what we end up doing and sometimes what we end up doing is better than what we thought. I was going to be a surgeon when I was your age. I am a teacher now. I'm a bloody good teacher and I'm glad I am one. You can still be a teacher. There are athletes in wheelchairs you know!! and they need to learn from someone too so you get yourself well and get training and get good at whatever sport you choose cos a wheelchair aint gonna stop you now is it? and then train to be a coach or a pe teacher anyway.

Of course you are emotional with all you are going through. You would be mad if you were not. We all get emotional and most of us have a few more years on us to help along the way.

Please see if you can get some counselling. It really helps and you will need it with all you are going through. Most of us on here need it and we are not facing as much as you so don't feel weak or anything, just accept you are having a really hard time and ask for some help.

You get it off your chest any time you want and we are here to listen and to give you the biggest of hugs.

Here's one now.

Huge hug Cath and another one

Little My xxxxx

Posted by
You aren't annoying anyone and I think you have every reason to rant! I'm sorry that things haven't been good for you and you are still stuck in a chair and still in hospital . I am glad that you come on here and feel able to vent. We can all sympathise and understand some of what you are going through. I'm glad you have a good and supportive family to help you along this difficult journey. I will be thinking about you and send you huge virtual hugs. Hang in there. Heather
Posted by

Oh its so lovely to hear from you again. Your twin sister has been keeping us up to date over the last few weeks.

Dont you worry about having a rant and a moan, youre not the only one and certainly wont be the last.

Its been so long since we heard from you, so hopefully you must be feeling a tiny bit stronger to come back and let us know how you are doing.

We are all thinking of you and hoping it wont be too long till you can get out of hospital.

Take care Cath,

love jmd xxxx

Ethel Horner
Posted by
hi Cath, you have been missed here. It's a good sign that you've had the energy to post. Your mind and body has gone through so much for a long time it's not surprising that you've struggled with the reality of your situation. A Terrible things has happened and coming to terms with it takes a long time too (always longer than we want). but Mostly people do come to cope with their 'New normal' and I'm hopeful that you will be in a better place soon. You are doing your best to cope with this change and that's all you can expect from yourself. Be kind to yourself. Big hug ((((((((()))))))))))) to you. Ethel x.
Posted by
Hello Cath I'm so sorry things have gone the way they have.Never apologise for posting here so many of us have needed to come here and let it all out that's what it's for.I really can't add to what others have said but I wanted you to know I have been thinking of you and I hope that you see the light at the end of that tunnel soon because it is there even though sometimes it can be hard to find.I'm also sending you more huge hugs Cruton xxxx
Posted by
Hi love. Wow what a lot u r going thru and so brave!' Little My had given you sound advice and don't u give up just 'cos some may have seemed to' there is always a light but it sometimes takes a little finding!' I am nowhere like on your current position but, there is always a but isn't there, I can't ride my horse at the moment and walking is a tad difficult However I pin my star on a certain para Olympic rider who was at the top of her tree until her back was broken. She won a bronze on dressage. You too can STILL be a PE teacher, why not? Just 'cost yr in a chair. Boy what an example if you can do some stuff better than them! And be an ace trainer? What a roles deal you will be' overcoming the ultimate adversity. Go get it girl you have true grit and determination. Sorry for misspells etc doing this on an iPhone! Off to train horse from the ground! No apologies etc from you. We are her en mass to listen, encourage, and provide shoulders to lean on. We all need each other from time to time Rusty K xxxx