Dad dying & my marriage isn't going to last

Hi Budderfly

I'm so sorry to read your post, coping with the emotions of everything you are facing must feel almost impossible. The pressure of being the “strong” one and not taking time to look after yourself can lead others to think you are coping and don’t need support and help. Do you think your husband doesn’t realise you are struggling to manage all the problems? Have you usually been the one in your relationship who deals with things? I know this is true in my marriage and my husband often says without me he would be lost ,he doesn’t even have a smartphone which means all his hospital reminders etc come to me, I am the one who deals with all our finances etc.

You are definitely not being selfish, there is only so much you can physically and emotionally deal with and it sounds like you are being overwhelmed just now. Can you perhaps get some counselling for yourself, for both of you or at least talk to someone about how to help him get some support for his own fears etc.?

I’m sorry if this reply is unhelpful but just wanted to reach out to you.

Grasan

I feel for you and can relate.

The only person being selfish is your husband. 

Your dad is terminally ill and that is enough on its own for you to deal with. 

I have 3 children and been with my husband 20 years. Since my dad was diagnosed time has gone on and he has deterioted so much and therefore i have needed to be there to help my mum and be with my dad. My husband is putting another stress in my life because he isnt getting any  attention from me. Which puts extra strain on me when i should be focussing on my dad. When im home my children are my priority.  

Please just focus on your dad otherwise you may have regrets.

If your husband does not understand this then im sorry to say it but you are probably best without him.

You need support 

Hi Budderfly

I have just joined this community following my Dad's diagnosis last week so forgive me for my lack of experience in some areas.  But I found your post and much of it resonated as I have gone through something similar a couple of years ago.  I am the "tough, supportive" one in my family and friend group but there is only so much one person can handle.  And you are carrying an enormous burden.  So no, you are def not being selfish!!!

Sounds like your husband is not coping very well and hasn't considered he could take his issues to someone other than you.  That could be a friend or any number of support groups out there.  Perhaps you have someone else you know who you could ask to offer your husband some support.  Does he have friends or siblings you could ask to step up for him.  His issue is small compared to your own but it is still an issue.  However, he needs to recognise he can't lean on you right now, he must find another solution within his own group of contacts or seek professional support.  Once he has support, perhaps he will then recognise what you are going through and can step up for you.

I hope things improve for you.

Claire x

Hi Grasan

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply ️ Yes I've always been the "strong" one in the marriage and the "fixer" of everything so I think maybe he didn't realise how much I was struggling on the inside. I'm happy to say things are much better now. Things came to a head & I had some kind of mini breakdown with it all & ended up taking time out from work with the stress. Anyway to cut a long story short his & my family all came together to talk about it & assist & it opened his eyes to how much extra pressure he was adding so things are much better. Dad is still hanging in there & has a holiday booked to come & visit us. My daughter gave birth to our beautiful healthy 1st granddaughter & I'm back in control of my emotions so for now all is good.

How are you & family getting along? Hope all is as good as it can be. Much love ️ 

Hi Hopex and thank you for taking time to reply ️

As I've replied above, things are much better now after a tough few weeks.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad & your similar experience  I think sometimes we are too strong for our own good aren't we so it's a massive shock to the ones closest to us when we can't give everything we usually do.

I really hope your situation eases and hope your dad is doing as well as he can with his illness.

Big hugs to you xx

Hi Claire

Thank you so much for your reply. As I've explained in my replies above, things are much better now thankfully.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's diagnosis & I hope you are coping OK. It's such a horrible disease!!! Really hope you are OK & your dad is doing OK too. 

Much love to you & yours xx