Hi all, I've not posted in a while in fact my last post was an uplifting one as my dad had gone past the time the doctors had given him. He was told he wouldn't see Christmas but he did. I don't know whether that lulled me into a fall sense of security or what but I was doing really well & coping with my emotions and making the most of every minute.
I live abroad so I'm not in UK as much as I would like to be but make frequent trips back to spend time with mum & dad. I've just got back from seeing him a few days ago & he's so positive & smiling & still trying to do things on his good days. I can see the change in him & he's so skinny now but he just doesn't complain & still tries to look after us all.
I feel like I've gone backwards & I'm either angry or crying all the time. The smallest bump in the road sets me off and I know I'm making hubby's life unbearable. Then I feel bad so end up in tears again. I'm so lost right now. My daughter is due her 1st baby in 3 weeks & I know my dad is trying to hold out until then to meet his first great grandchild. I'm so riddled with guilt when I see him in pain on a daily basis thinking he's holding on to see baby & then I'm terrified he will let go straight afterwards.
Right now I'm sat sobbing & have such conflicting feelings about everything. I thought I had come to terms with everything but now I'm just a crying angry mess 
I know my hubby is really struggling too as I caught him crying for the first time ever & now feel so bad xx
Just wanted to send you some caring thoughts. Loving someone who has incurable cancer is an emotional nightmare. The guilt about feeling angry and sad only adds to the turmoil of emotions. I know it isn’t much help but you are not alone with these conflicting thoughts and I hope today is a better one for you.
Grasan
Aaw Hi Grasan
So lovely of you to check in 
yes I'm doing much better this week thank you I'm very lucky to have good friends & a loving family who have helped me through so I'm coping much better now thank you.
How are you & your family doing xx
