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Newbie lost and confused

Posted by


Not sure what to say.

My dad was given 9-12 months 6 days ago, he has pancreatic & liver cancer that's inoperable but waiting for a chemo appointment, had a semi big cry out and hugs but now no-one is talking about it directly mum and dad are "being strong" but I can see it's taking its tole on them, I am also "being strong" but a complete emotional wreck when alone.  

I don't know how to help them I don't know what to do, we don't have macmillan nurses in our area but have an information desk at the hospital run by a volunteer but I know I'll just break down.

I want to do my best for them but I don't know how, any help is much appreciated thanks

Posted by

Hi Soco,

My Dad was given a similar prognosis back in August, but we lost him at the beginning of December. He only had about 4 weeks of treatment though, so I'm not saying yours will be a similar length of time.

He also had inoperable liver cancer, which spread to his lungs and beyond.

We reacted very similarly. I live a few hours away from my family, and my mum called to tell me he had cancer and a week later called to tell me it was terminal. She sounded very upbeat, very positive. When I got home my dad was the same. He was so brave and never complained even once. We never sat down and talked about it - except for the 2 days before we lost him. My mum explained it to my sister and I. We all seemed to be total wrecks when alone but kept it together when we were together. I think being together was a comfort, especially seeing my dad being so positive.

He'd sometimes make little jokes. Funny little comments like 'Maybe I'll rob a bank to set you guys up. Afterall, if they catch me I'm not going to be around for the punishment!". It was always at the forefront of our minds, we just never talked about it.

However, we were all comfortable enough to ask questions and bring it up with each other if we wanted to. I think as long as you and your family are open for that then it's ok. Don't hide it, or deny anything - it'll only feel worse later.

I really hope things settle down for you and you can all spend time together. That's what matters now.

Thinking of you, and here if you need someone x

Posted by


So sorry to read about your dad :( It's bad enough finding out a loved one has cancer without all the extra bad news piled on top.

Please don't need to feel strong all the time - Making cancer the elephant in the room will cause more issues than it avoids long term.

You could use the free phone support line 0808 808 0000 number before 8pm tonight or after 9am in the morning and speak to one of the Macmillan Nurses. No doubt a few tears will flow but they are so caring and used to that happening and can give you some pointers about talking and getting some help (if not from a Macmillan nurse, there are other options)

If you check out the 'Groups' button at the top of the page there are groups for Pancreatic Cancer, Family and Friends and also Carers Only you may find of some benefit to join.

Hope this is of some help at a tough time, take care, G n' J

Posted by

Hi Lookitsmeg

Thanks for replying, especially with such recent loss, I'm so sorry x 

Your dad sounds of similar humour to my dad, the day he got his results the wine man phoned up to see if they wanted to place an order and dads saying "yeah why not send a few boxes, though I doubt I'll be around to pay for it" and goes on telling him why in his own sweet way.

Definitely being with them is more comforting, just been to see them and chemo appointment has arrived for a week on Saturday so I've calmed a tiny bit, just wish my eyes would stop leaking the rest of the time I keep having to talk to people with my back to them making myself look too busy to turn around.

Thankyou again, it means a lot x

Posted by

Hi G n' J

Thanks for the info,  Ive found and joined one of the groups, and I will try and phone at some point,  I just feel I will choke up and nothing will come out, its so much easier to type through blurry eyes than vocalise in the same state so thank goodness for mobile phones and this site, and of course people replying.

Thanks again