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Waiting for tests

Tony61
Posted by

Thanks very much for asking and for thinking about me. In the end I didn't talk to the GP. I spoke to a nurse on the Macmillan support line and, based on that,  decided that the GP probably couldn't say anything which would reassure me, so I decided not to speak to her. You may not agree, but I'm ok about it. I'm still really up and down, trying not to think about the tests if I'm honest. It feels like I'm heading towards a cliff edge in a vehicle I can't control, with no idea if the road heads over the edge or turns off before. I will talk to my partner before the day, but just not yet.

JaneAustenfan
Posted by

Hi Tony thank you for your reply. To be honest I'm glad you've spoken to someone for support; whether that's the nurse or your GP; the important thing is not to bottle it all up; when I was waiting for my hospital appointment it all seemed rather surreal until the day of my appointment; I think the shock meant that I was on automatic pilot until the appointment was over and also afterwards until the results came through; I think maybe it 's the mind's way of coping with the stress; I chose to tell (only close) family once I had facts (ie test results) Now I'm trying to cope with the fact that my cancer risk is higher than average & there is a discrepancy in my results meaning that I need more hospital tests in June & have chosen counselling for my health anxiety rather than talking to family & friends about my cancer risk - it's important for me to feel as much in control of who knows as possible whilst I come to terms with my situation & try to have a 'normal' life as much as possible - give yourself time to take it all in & try to do something you enjoy every day; even if it's something small like going out in the fresh air - keep letting us know how you are

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JaneAustenfan
Posted by

Hello again Tony61 Been thinking about you & hoping that you get to spend time with your family this weekend & stay in your normal routine; I think we all eventually find our own coping strategies. I really hope that things work out for you. I made sure I got out in the fresh air a bit today & had a coffee in my favourite cafe; have realised there is more to life than financial survival & at the moment value my human right to self determination for as long as possible!!!! Let me know if I say the wrong thing when trying to offer you support 

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Tony61
Posted by

I'm doing ok thanks. I've had a pretty good day today, doing things I like and mainly able to keep my feelings under control though sometimes it all wells up. The tests day is getting closer which I'm finding hard. Thanks for all the support, it's really appreciated. 

Tony61
Posted by

After a good day yesterday I've woken up this morning feeling really frightened. It's only 8 days now until I go for tests and the days are rushing past. I know that people on here say the waiting and uncertainty are worst but for me it would be getting the news I dread and I just want to put that day off and cling on to the hope that I still have. I haven't told my partner yet. I know she will be really worried and frightened too and I want to put that off for her sake. I know I have to tell her soon but the time is never right. Hopefully I'll feel better later but I worry that it will just be a few hours of relative peace before it all hits again, and that's how it's going to be for the next week.

JaneAustenfan
Posted by

Hi Tony61 sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. There is no wrong or right way for you to feel. I find when I am alone I think about it all more & the first couple of weeks & didn't sleep well at all either. I have been told that imagining the worst is human nature. ... How are you feeling now? You have done the right thing to go to the doctor & arrange for tests so although you are dreading your hospital visit remember that the staff you see will be experts in their field & will be able to offer you emotional support as well as medical tests & help.

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Tony61
Posted by

I’m feeling much the same, just very frightened. I know that if I get the diagnosis that I do have cancer, then I will get lots of medical and emotional support. But I don’t want that to happen. For reasons I can’t go into, it may break me. I’m trying to take things one step, one day at a time but it’s not working. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow, like I did yesterday. But I fear the next week is going to be so hard. And it’s not as if I’ve just got to get through the week and then I know everything will be alright. It may well be exactly the opposite. And I’ve still got to tell my partner about this. I'm heading home and I hope I can hold it together.

JaneAustenfan
Posted by

Hi Tony61 I'm so worried about you. Remember it's normal to feel frightened & that's ok. Whatever happens there are some things beyond our control.  There are so many more treatments out there that can treat this terrible illness & so you must not give up hope. There isn't much you can do between now & your appointment other than - choose not to think about it until the day arrives, talk to your gp, phone MacMillan, reach out to ANYONE; a friend, a relative, your partner, a priest or other religious person or a helpline, You don't have to keep it all to yourself. Write down your thoughts & if necessary shred them but for the sake of your mental health try not to bottle it all up

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Tony61
Posted by

Thank you. I know what you mean but I can't choose not to think about it. For me if it's there then it's there and I can't help it. I will talk to Macmillan again when I can. 

JaneAustenfan
Posted by

Keep on letting us know how you are unless that is an extra pressure

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JaneAustenfan
Posted by

If it helps you to know; I am still struggling to come to terms with my own situation & the uncertainty around my results. I'm not feeling so good & am not sure whether to go back to my GP 

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Tony61
Posted by

I really feel for you. I don't know what I can say that will help but I'm sending you all my support.

gina62
Posted by

Hi Tony, I am also new to cancer, trying to get my head around it. Which cancer are you waiting tests on? x

Gina
Tony61
Posted by

Hi Gina62, I'm waiting for a gastroscopy a week today. I've been referred by my GP so not a specific cancer (as far as I know) but seeing if that's the problem.

gina62
Posted by

Oh ok, i'd try not to worry too much then, try and give yourself a break, i've had many tests over the years which have come back negative, unfortunately didn't get away with it this time though still hasn't sunk in apart from being battered and bruised and feeling very emotional which is natural. Hope you get the results you want. Good luck.xx

Gina