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A loved one in pain refusing help.

Ross1978
Posted by

Hi, 

Someone I care about dearly that is extremely old is dying of cancer and has refused all aid, its killing me seeing her in such pain and misery.

I understand she wants to stay at home and doesn't want to leave the house her husband died in, but I just dont want her to suffer until the end. She doesn't want to eat and doesn't want to see the doctor at all. What can I do ?

GRANNY59
Posted by

Hi Ross1978 welcome to the forum and I am so sorry to hear about how worried that you are and no wonder?

If someone is at home and has been in the system then this would normally be something that falls to the care of the GP and they are the 1st point of contact for you to get some support particularly by the sound of things pain control.

Its  challenge for you to know what to do as she is is clearly saying she does not want anyone in but maybe she doesnt realise what could be provided for her at home to make her comfortable and ideally she could be at home with support and care

There are 2 things I could suggest at this time that may be of help:

1) Pick up the phone and speak to one of  the Macmillan advisors 0n 08088080000 who can tell you what services are available in your geographical area and also offer advice about the dilemnna that you are having.

2) There is  a Carers thread in this forum if you wanted to post your post in there and maybe some of the folks in there could maybe offer some support for you but also may have some practical ideas for you.

Meanwhile I recognise that this is not nice for you but it is a difficult situation that you are in so please dont be too hard on yourself as you are doing the best that you can in challenging circumstances.

Meantime Im sending some hugs your way. xxxx

Ross1978
Posted by

Hi Granny59,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I just feel helpless. I will give the number a call and hopefully they can help.

Again thank you 

Johnty
Posted by

Dear Ross, I am so sorry that you find yourself in this position. I understand your loved one desire to stay in her own home but it is possible to get help from your local hospice, it’s called hospice at home. I am currently being helped by my local hospice and they are the most kind and caring people you could want to meet. Unfortunately usually you need to be referred by your general practitioner so it’s that contact that needs to established first. Perhaps you could contact your local hospice and ask for advice on how to talk to your friend about what the hospice has to offer. 

best wishes

jane

 “ A trouble shared is a trouble halved “
Ross1978
Posted by

Hi Jane,

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I'm so sorry for your own position and wish you all the best for the future.

I hope she changes her mind about seeing the gp again as I'm told she has refused any help from him, it breaks my heart to see her the way she is and know I'm helpless in changing her situation.

As a grandchild I have no say and she has told us nothing as wants it a secret from us, I know she is so worried about being moved from her home that she is going through agony to not be.

At 95 she just wants to be left alone which I understand, I just wish she wasn't living her last weeks or months in hell.

Johnty
Posted by

Dear Ross, are you aware of the carers uk organisation, they have a website and helpline. I think the fundamental problem here is if someone has mental capacity it’s very difficult to compel them to do anything they don’t agree with. Carers uk may be able to explain the ethical situation to you and reassure you that as a family you have taken all the realistic steps to help your grandmother. I suspect you are not alone in being in this situation and advice from people who are familiar with this situation may be helpful. 

best wishes

jane

 “ A trouble shared is a trouble halved “