How best to help when “everything is ok”

FormerMember
FormerMember
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Hi everyone,

lats Friday I found out that my Dad has got prostate cancer and it’s spread to lymph nodes and his bones.  He has never, ever talked about feelings and, true to form, every time I ask how he (and mum) are feeling I get “everything’s fine”.  I know I can’t force a response but any advice would be very welcome.

thanks in advance

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

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  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi RichD,

    Its a man thing - were always okay - have had to be for years, to hold up the fort... not so much anymore, but its in our nature to ignore these things until we have a solution to fix it.

    Sometimes we cant, and most of us don't run on emotions, so we "park" it, until a solution comes round.. may be never..

    Ask him if there is anything you can do to either relive him of a task, or assist him with something he wants done, and if he declines, let him know to tell you if he wants to chat about how he is feeling when he is ready, and don't nag, or remind him of this everyday - once a week nudge him and re-offer to chat anytime or ask if he needs help with something..

    Also, get him out on his own over a beer or coffee, when he look vulnerable, sad or just plain down, out of the house, and start with sport or stuff he likes to chat about, and drift into the "just between us dad, how are you really doing?", and hold his words close to your heart, not even sharing with your partner or his wife, that way he will trust it is a boys thing, and will come out a bit more and feel he has a private place to be honest about his condition or feelings, and they aren't public knowledge. People respect privacy, and after a diagnosis, with 18 to 70 year old nurses probing and poking every part of your body, this is to be expected. and if your not "fine" your family is taking you back to hospital..

    Ask him if he wants you to go along to the docs, alone, with him for a change, if you don't already.

    You will then be burdened with having to be involved with heath decisions for him that the rest of the family wont understand, but as a son, that shouldn't be a problem.

    How do I know this?? - my 27 year old son conned me like this..

  • Hi and welcome to the online community

    I'm sorry to hear that your dad has recently been diagnosed with prostate cancer which has spread to his bones. As johnty has said, it might take your dad some time to process his diagnosis and what this means for him and your mum. 

    In the meantime could I suggest that you join the family and friends group where you can share your feelings and get support. To join just click on the link I've created and then choose 'join this group' on the page that open. You can then post by selecting 'start a discussion' and reply to existing posts by choosing 'reply'.

    When you have a minute it would be really useful if could pop something about your dad's journey into your profile as it really helps others when answering or looking for someone with a similar diagnosis. It also means that you don't have to keep repeating yourself. To do this click on your username and then select 'Edit Profile'. You can amend it at any time and if you're not sure what to write you can take a look at mine by clicking on my username.

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