5 years all clear... so why am I so sad?!

Hello there, I'm new here and hoping to explore more about how I've been feeling recently. I had a GIST tumour removed from my stomach 5 years ago. During lockdown I had my final CT scan and received a letter giving me the all clear and signing me off.

Since then I've been feeling overwhelmingly sad. It feels like a bottomless put of sadness and I cry and cry and cry. I've already cried so much in the last few years, it's hard to believe there is more. 

I feel like through my experience of cancer, I learned the hard way that there are no guarantees in life- there's no concept of "fairness" or "everything will be okay". I had a baby at the time I had cancer, and it all just seemed so sickeningly unfair. 

I know that I'm right- that there are no guarantees- so it's not that I want to change that. But how do I live with that, and not feel so negative and sad all the time? I find it hard to plan more then a couple of years ahead- my boy is now 6 and I won't let myself imagine him grown up... who knows if I'll be there to see it? Not because I'm scared of my cancer coming back, but because there's just no guarantee that I will be.

It's a sense of helplessness I suppose. 

Can anyone relate? Any suggestions and advice would be very welcome. 

Thank you.

With love,

Ruby x

  • Hi Ruby and welcome to this corner of the Mac Community. First congratulations in being 5 years out from treatment, this is a massive achievement - well done.

    I was diagnosed back in 1999, yes a long time ago, with a rather rare type of skin Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma and was told "Mike this is incurable but treatable but sorry, you will never be in remission"........ fast forward through 17 years of treatment (hit my community name to see my story ) I was told Remission in Sep 2016. So for me this was a massive result.

    I know that I'm right- that there are no guarantees- so it's not that I want to change that. But how do I live with that, and not feel so negative and sad all the time?

    Yes there are no guarantees and indeed I am right at the top of the 'waiting list' that one day I will be told I have skin cancer due to the treatments used...... But I refuse to let this and the years of treatment and disappointment define me.

    I worked damed hard to get to this point and I and not going to let anything rob me of living my 'new' life.

    Late 2013 I was given a few years to live........ I am 5 years past that date and doing great with 2 more granddaughters I should have never have seen.

    ....... see that put a smile on your face.

    Are we doomed to suffer life after treatment or celebrate life?..........which one are you going to aim for?

    Lets keep talking as this helps unpack the massive invisible rucksack of stuff you have collected and are carrying around with you. Its good to take the rucksack off and empty it on the floor..... rummage through the stuff but when you repack it...... you have to throes some stuff in the bin.

    It’s always good to talk with someone, so can I also highlight the Macmillan Support Line on 0808 808 00 00 This service covers Emotional Support mostly open 8.00 to 8.00.

    Mike

    Mike - Thehighlander

    It always seems impossible until its done - Nelson Mandela

    Click to see how to add details to your profile