I am always described as a strong person but when the consultant said, I'm sorry you have Lymphoma (i had no clue what that was but assumed it was bad by his face, tone and leaflet!) it literally felt like I was in the Macmillan advert where the man is standing there alone in a white corridor in a white gown, the world being wooshed away. I've never felt so scared and alone (even though hubby was there) All I could think was am I going to die then how will I tell my children. I just walked out in a daze crying.
By the time we had completed the 30 minute drive home I had 'got a grip of myself' and was practically apologising and telling everyone it would be fine. And that's how it's been throughout. I've kept a lid firmly on my feelings as a coping mechanism but in all aspects of life it now seems not just the cancer. Throughout treatment I couldn't let my brain acknowledge anything that was happening. I didn't even know what was in the radiotherapy treatment room because I just focused on the immediate.
Yesterday I got the all clear. I am in fact cured. Completely wonderful!
Trouble is I now need to take that lid off if I am to be able to start feeling things again. Such great news that I know many would love to have so why am I still feeling like this. I know I need to process the events of the last year but I don't know how.
Great news but now you have lost your treatment safety net you are having some wobbles - this is so normal...
I posted this earlier to a few others in the group with similar feelings, so perhaps reading through this may help you as it helped us.
2275.after the treatment finishes-then what.pdf
Take care, G n' J
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Hi LadyLoo and welcome to this corner of the Community.
I was diagnosed with a rare Non Hodgkins Lymphoma back in 1999 so I do understand the journey you have been on. I was told in 1999 there was no cure and indeed no remission....... fast forward 17 years I heard the word remission and the longer I am in remission the less chance my condition could come back.
The fact that you are on the Community will help you a lot - we do have some specific Lymphoma groups and these would be good places to connect with others.
General Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma
Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma
Mantel Cell Lymphoma
I have done the full face mask thing a few times and it’s not a great experience, my journey also had a lot of chemo and two Stem Cell Transplant (hit my name for the story).......... but I am still around doing great.
You are early in the post treatment journey and this part can take far longer than you would hope but you will get there.
Do have a look at this great paper as it helps understand the post treatment milestones.
Talking to people face to face can help a lot so check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area or a Maggie’s Centre as these folks are amazing.
Always around to help you walk this part of the journey ((hugs))
Mike - Thehighlander
It always seems impossible until its done - Nelson Mandela
Thanks for the article. Wow, it is exactly me. I'm rubbish at sharing how I feel so this article is something I can share with family to explain. I'm going to keep reading it to reassure myself while I adjust to this next phase.
Hi again LadyLoo, great that you found the paper helpful and yes “that is just me!!”....... and it is a great tool for those around you to have a look at and for you to move life forward...... there is also more great conversations to be found through the group Discussions tab.
Well done in getting info in your profile, you don’t say what type of Lymphoma you ‘had’ but I do know that a lot of the treatments used are very hard work.
So now a challenge, a challenge to become proactive after reading through the paper a few times and using it as a vehicle for change and life improvement.
So get a note book or some sheets of paper and put pen to paper - it is a good way forward...... and helps unpack the stuff you have collected during your treatment.
So a page per subject heading. Start detailing the things you have done already to move life on in each area and then start to set some achievable goals to work towards.
When you achieve the first goal on each lists, tick it off and then put a new goal at the bottom of the list.
By doing this you can actually see your progress and celebrate achievements.
When I say celebrate I do mean giving yourself treats and gifts........ you have life - celebrate it.
The headings would be:
What steps am I taking to regain trusts in my body?
What steps am I taking to regain trust in myself?
What steps am I taking to overcome living with uncertainty?
What steps am I taking to deal with the world?
What steps am I taking to regain mastery and control of my life?
Try it, the future is sitting in front of you - think about driving a car. The big windscreen shows the future, the past is in the little mirrors and is getting smaller and more fuzzy as we move forward.....if you concentrate on the past you crash.
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