Who am I? ———————————————————-Who am I? Just an empty shell, the leftovers of a four month journey, a journey where the end felt so close but the beginning was never far away.———————————————————-Why am I not happy? Where is my joy, where is my eagerness to shout from the rooftops that my journey has ended and my new life can begin? ____________________________________________
Why is guilt the emotion that engulfs me? Why do I feel that the depth of my journey will be judged by others? Why do I feel a gut wrenching guilt that the journey for others is far from over, why aren’t I happy for me? ———————————————————Why do I feel fear? The deep rooted fear that in comparison to others my journey was too easy, because there is more to come, that others close to me will be taken, that all of this is just the start of a life living under a cloud.———————————————————-Why do I feel selfish? Selfish that I can’t feel happy, the happiness that is expected of me, the happiness that I’m told I must be feeling daily along with the relief that they say I must feel? Why do I not feel these things when others fighting would give anything to be me? ———————————————————-Why? Why have I lost myself, when I have everything to live for, but can’t find myself to even begin? How can I find a new normal when I can’t even find the old me to compare? How can I contemplate a new beginning when I know how close we all are to the end?
Who am I?
This may sound odd, but what a marvellous articulation of the emotional peril that a cancer patient faces when the treatment is over. May I suggest you join the Express yourself part of the forum as you definitely have a way with words, and the process of writing may help you in the way that it has helped me.
In terms of the answers to your questions, they are buried down deep inside you, they just might take some time to find. There is no right or wrong, only what feels appropriate for you. Please know that you are not alone and many a cancer patient will have faced the same questions you have so eloquently described.
What is a Community Champion?
I agree with Greg re Express yourself group. I thought I was in that group when I read your post actually.
I have been very low today which is not really like me especially when I know I should be so happy and thankful that I am one of the lucky ones and am supposedly putting my life back together. Your post totally touched me, you are speaking my feelings and my thoughts and I thank you, Debbie7177, for making me feel okay with how I feel today.
Hello Ina Vest, there are really no "shoulds" nor "oughts" in life, especially after cancer - only those we impose on ourselves, or let others impose on us,thru guilt tripping.
Glad that Debbie7177's post made u feel OK re how u felt yesterday. We all have our ups n downs with this blasted cancer after all
thank you, just thank you SO much.. I am so lost and you have articulated exacley the way I feel, I'm crying reading this.. thank you
Big hugs to everyone in this conversation xx
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