How can my positivity desert me now?

Hi all I'm new here...finished my treatment last month for breast cancer. Strange time to be joining I guess...especially since everything went so well. Never been so positive in my whole life......until now. I feel lonely and quite sad, despite being in remission. I used to have a body to die for and suddenly after months of just surviving (and obviously eating whatever i could and not exercising like I used to) I realised I have been left looking fat. My partner who has been super supportive throughout treatment is rightfully tired of having our relationship viewed through the cancer lens and he wants to go back to normality...as a result I feel like I have no one to talk to about the things we used to laugh about (yes we laughed our way through my cancer). I feel so aimless and lost, it's quite frightening for my A type personality Disappointed

Sorry for my sad introduction. Just feeling a little down for the first time in months.

  • be patient with yourself

    xxxx

     real life success stories to remind you that people do survive breast cancer

    https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/breast-cancer/f/38/t/115457

    Dr Peter Harvey

    https://www.workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-what.pdf

     

  • Hi Nilllip,

    I get what you are saying...totally. I actually finished my treatment (head and neck) nearly 14 months ago, having gone through it with utter determination and a positive attitude. 

    Got back in the gym, back to work etc, set myself personal physical goals...all the stuff to show just how a seriously positive mindset can make a difference.

    BUT, as you say there suddenly comes a point where there is something of a gap as to the past and the new 'normal'. It is difficult for us not to talk about the 'cancer thing' as it is necessary...it has shaped us, it has challenged us and made us what we are now (for better or worse!) It cannot be so easily forgotten. Yes, we move on and adapt to a new way of life, wherever possible trying to do what we used to do.

    I sometimes think that my wife is probably getting tired of me looking back and saying, 'Wow, this time last year I was still only doing X...quite an improvement now,' etc. 

    So sometimes when you want to share how you feel this forum is a good place to start. Cancer has b*ggered up our lives one way or another and it is understandable that those who did not undergo the treatment, but still lived it, perhaps want their own lives back from its grasp. None of us wants to be a 'Cancer Bore' Slight smile of course, but balancing what we need emotionally and the needs of others around us is hard. I actually have a bit of a laugh about things as far as I can and my boys are great quality in that respect.

    Remember though, you fought it, you dealt with it and there is nothing to be ashamed of in occasionally having wistful moments about it.  Just don;t let it control you and become a cloud. From reading your post above, I see no danger of that.

    Crack on and be you! Slight smile

    J.x

    John67

  • Hi John

    Thanks for your reply and a little insight to your process. It helps to read that I'm not "abnormal" Slight smile I am so sensitive to the possibility that I may become a "cancer bore", which is the main reason for joining this community. It's so difficult to not go through a day and compare how you were during chemo  or pre diagnosis or something cancer related.

    I'm not ready mentally to go back to being me this time last year (ie pre diagnosis) - I'm seriously scared to go back to work where the expectation will be: "you're cancer free now, so carry on where you left off", like it's the common cold (in fact work colleagues did say that to me on the days I was at work between chemo treatments - they didnt understand why I wasnt feeling well: " you had chemo on Friday  it's now Tuesday?!") - anyway that's a rant I should perhaps leave in "The Room" and close the door on. I certainly dont want to bore everyone here with my own pity party...you're my new friends and I'd like to keep it that way.

    So instead...thank you for "listening" and sharing some of your own stories

    Xxx

  • Hey no problem at all!

    Do remember from a work perspective that you are protected under the Equality Act 2010 in any event (sorry, I'm an employment lawyer Slight smile) so the obligation to consider reasonable adjustments etc arises.(plus the full range of discrimination protections). Not that you want to have to fall back on to that, but it's worth being aware of it...in the event of people being d1cks.

    I don't think it is easy to go back to being who we were pre diagnosis anyway. Yes, insofar as we can it's great to achieve it, but at the same time there is an imperative of adapting to our 'new normal' - I find that expression quite helpful in order to mitigate the potential feelings of utter resentment we might otherwise allow to cloud our progress.

    Oh, by the way, don't worry about a 'Pity Party' complex...you're entitled to feel utterly hacked off from time to time and being disappointed in other people who are unwilling or unable to understand (as they have not been through it) is entirely natural - and in some cases utterly justified! There are plenty of empathetic bods on here who are also capable of lending perspective if and when you feel that a rant is needed! ;-)

    We are indeed friends on here; to be honest, I have engaged with some fantastic, inspiring people here which has made my own fight that much more bearable - not least because of the interest they showed and advice they gave so readily.

    J.xx

    John67

  • Love it! Thanks for the advice and kind "ear"!

    Xx

  • Dear everyone who has commented on my post

    I'd like to thank you for the very kind support that each and everyone of you have given me. Unffortunately my original post was deemed to violate community guidelines and I am horrified that in my attempts at reaching out for help I have managed to offend anyone.

    In light of this, and while it really makes me so desperately sad to do so , I am withdrawing from the community. I just wanted to get some solace and understanding, without judgement. I did receive it from the kind people who did respond, but now feel utterly devastated that I have been judged in my post to be something that I am not.

    I wish you all the very best in your journeys. This was obviously not meant to be for me.

    Farewell 

    Xxx

    Nilllip 

  • Hi ,

    I’m really sorry to read that you intend to leave the Online Community – from this thread alone I see that you’ve received great support and guidance from members of the Community, and I sincerely hope that at some point you reconsider your decision.

    We edited your original post in accordance with our Community Guidelines

    If you’d like to discuss the above any further, please email myself and the team at community@macmillan.org.uk.

    Take care,

    Jimmy

    Online Community Team

  • could you be specific please

    ??

     real life success stories to remind you that people do survive breast cancer

    https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/breast-cancer/f/38/t/115457

    Dr Peter Harvey

    https://www.workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-what.pdf

     

  • Hi ,

    To maintain a focus on peer-to-peer support within our groups, please email community@macmillan.org.uk to discuss any moderation decisions.

    Thanks,

    Jimmy

    Online Community Team