How can my positivity desert me now?

Hi all I'm new here...finished my treatment last month for breast cancer. Strange time to be joining I guess...especially since everything went so well. Never been so positive in my whole life......until now. I feel lonely and quite sad, despite being in remission. I used to have a body to die for and suddenly after months of just surviving (and obviously eating whatever i could and not exercising like I used to) I realised I have been left looking fat. My partner who has been super supportive throughout treatment is rightfully tired of having our relationship viewed through the cancer lens and he wants to go back to a result I feel like I have no one to talk to about the things we used to laugh about (yes we laughed our way through my cancer). I feel so aimless and lost, it's quite frightening for my A type personality Disappointed

Sorry for my sad introduction. Just feeling a little down for the first time in months.

  • it's a shock isn't it

    I thought chemo made you thin but no, not for breast cancer, they feed you steroids that make you eat, all those wicked carb cravings.

    Fat and bald. great, thanks cancer.

    What you're experiencing is the grief process. Shock, disbelief, denial, horror and sadness, anger, dark humour, in some cases, it's a defence mechanism, more denial, more anger, then a sort of acceptance and finally a return to a new normal. 

    It's not linear, I was stuck in a loop of disbelief and sadness for ages.

    I didn't really ever express anger either. 

    I know you looked at the Room, what are your thoughts on that ?  I was diagnosed in 2015 so it's taken me a while to get to that point. 




     real life success stories to remind you that people do survive breast cancer

    Dr Peter Harvey


  • I lost the Room in my wanderings around this site. I'm usually really good with technology, but struggling this evening on my phone. I'll blame it on chemo brain...I know people here will understand ;) 

    If I find my way back to the Room, I'll give you a comment....

    As far as how chemo ravages the body...tell me about it! Been trying to get back to my normal training, but the fatigue gets me at the wrong time. To think this time last year a had a real six pack...and I was so proud of it. Now I'm in this constant guilt loop of being too tired, half hearted training and being tired again. What the hell ?!

  • you're on tamoxifen ?  try a different brand, there's lots of talk about how people react to the different brands

    can relationships survive cancer ?

    try that 

    I know the site can be tricky, could you put a few notes down while it's fresh in your mind, the web team need quality feedback



     real life success stories to remind you that people do survive breast cancer

    Dr Peter Harvey


  • Hi Nilllip,

    Welcome to the forum, although I am sorry to read where you are at. The way you are feeling can be quite common when treatment finishes and in many ways the post treatment phase can be harder to deal with mentally as you have more time to process what has happened to you. You might want to take a look at an article by Dr Peter Harvey.  It really helped me when I was at that stage, as it helped me to rationalise what I was feeling at that time. I have tried to put a link to the article below.

    Wishing you all the very best,


  • Thanks Carolyn!! Found it through your link (thought I was going mad !!)

    I have my script for tamoxifen  but haven't started it yet. My onc suggested a bit of a break having just finished chemo. I am concerned that it will make me even fatter and affect my mood as I am on antidepressants already (have been for years). Maybe I am being too shallow and spoiled...I know I'm not obese, but compared to where I was pre-diagnosis (I paraded on stage in a sparkly bikini in fitness competitions Open mouth, much to my Mom's horror)......

    I've never been this big in my life Sob

  • well don't expect instant results 

    this is going to be a long slow walk rather than a marathon or sprint and I hope your partner can adapt to this new pace

    I had chemo from August 2015 to Christmas Eve and thankfully one of the nurses said you don't have to gain weight, just don't give in to the steroid induced carb cravings 

    but then I had a year of Herceptin which meant I had to drag my carcass past no less than 3 Prets and started comfort eating pain aux raisins because they had fruit and fruit was good, right  ;)

    Eventually I realised it had to stop, I couldn't do up my jeans and I'm too mean to invest in new clothes, especially if I'm uncertain about my future, I used to wobble on a daily basis but pulled myself together and renewed my annual railcard and pulled my socks up, and gave myself a bit of a kick up the rear.

    I now realise that I won't starve if I skip the odd meal.

    I'm not a gym bunny by any stretch of the imagination but I upped my walking routine from 6k steps to 10k steps ... it didn't work so I had to compromise at 8k, and recruited my son to get me in shape. 

    It is beginning to show positive results, I do feel slimmer, not that I was ever really 'fat' but I was certainly bigger than I ever had been. 

    we have to stay vigilant to signs of recurrence or spread, that's life from now on, but it doesn't have to be all consuming 

    I think I was slower than most, I wallowed for the whole of 2016, whilst going through the 3 weekly jabs and my hair was starting to grow back, that was bizarre, having to style chemo curls. 

    2017 was a bit better generally, for me but then I found out my husband was cheating and that brought a whole new set of games to the party.

    2018 was shit, if I'm honest, except that I did treat myself to some nice trips

    there should be a holiday snap at the end of that thread ...

    and that's not fake tan  ; ) 


     real life success stories to remind you that people do survive breast cancer

    Dr Peter Harvey


  • Love the holiday snap and your gorgeous bod! 

    So sorry to hear about your if you didnt have enough thrown your way! I've been there myself....although that was many many years ago. The experience was devastating for me and my Mom in particular believes the stress ultimately caused my cancer even though it was 15 years ago. In my case, the cheating husband was my luckiest escape. He really was not a nice person.

    Thanks for your reply again. It makes it so much easier for me to read about your journey, spotting the similarities and realising some things are normal. I have set myself up as "wonder woman" cruising through diagnosis and treatment with a killer attitude, expecting it to follow through post treatment AND whip back into my old stage shape with the willpower of the gods within a month, yet here I am drinking wine and eating all the holiday foods. (To be honest my old meal plan of hake and cucumber is not that appetising when wine and BBQ and potatoes are on offer).

    I've tried to gym while on holiday, but I've picked up a weird tendonitis in my Achilles...not sure if it's something normal like my shoes causing it or chemo induced, but it's super frustrating!

    Thanks for taking the time to write to me xxx

  • Thank you Greg! That article you sent me to was spot on! I've been looking for a psychologist who specialises in cancer, but there seem to be none in my area. This article felt like a good dose of therapy though and I thank you for that. I'm feeling so much more encouraged and brighter today thanks to you and xx

  • Hello Nilllip, have you looked for a specialist physio or personal trainer who have experience of clients with your medical history?  Like you I take pride in my physical strength and wellbeing, and I eventually realised I could not fix it all myself so got some expert advice. It has really helped.

  • Hi LittleRunner, I do have a personal trainer, although he may not have specialist experience with cancer, he has been very careful to grade my exercise down substantially (while I was doing chemo) from what we used to do pre-diagnosis. My panic is starting to set in though because i want to compete again in May and i just feel so far off that goal. Soon as I'm back from holiday, i need to chat to my PT about goals and where i am.