Derailed, update.

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When my husband of 25 years told me last year that he was seeing someone else, a woman 25 years younger that he'd had a fling with once  before I was devastated. We'd had some difficult times, but he said he wanted to be there for me after my incurable diagnosis. 

This is where I came for support, and to a large extent this support is what got me through. Some had experienced similar and worse situations, so many people rallied round. 

I kicked him out, and did not recognise the man that came to the house throwing his weight around and insisting he'd done nothing wrong. He even looked different physically, so angry and it seemed to me, cruel. 

And then one day my husband walked back in the door. All I know is that he'd spoken to our youngest son a few days before hand, but the man I married came back. 

Maybe he had some sort of break down or mid life crisis, but since my terminal diagnosis I have chosen to be guided by how he treats me and how he makes me feel, rather than try and make sense of what happened.

We have talked and talked, more in a few months than in the 4 years since the cancer came back. His biggest fear is not being strong enough for our sons. We have not talked about what happened last year or the other woman. 

My councillor says he shows by his actions how much he cares, and I agree. He's frankly amazing! 

I'm glad he's home. xx

  • Heya Mrs, 

    If you're happy he's home, then who are we to say otherwise. Long may it continue and I'm pleased for you!

    However, just keep yourself safe and you know where I am if you ever need me for anything, day or night!

    Lass

    Xx

    I have no medical training, everything I post is an opinion or educated guess. It is not medical advice.

  • You are a superstar. xx

    Tinalay 
    Every bad situation is a blues song waiting to happen.
    Amy Winehouse.
  • Hi, As Lass said, you do sound happy, so long may it continue! Please just be aware of what he has done and keep your guard up for a while but only you know him well enough to trust him again or not! I do remember your posts from last year, so as us Scots say Go Canny (go carefully) and be happy! I do hope it all turns out well for you, we are here to share both the good and the bad, so keep us posted! Take Care 

    Love Annette x

    Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery, Today is a Gift!!!
  • Tinalay, your happiness is all that matters. 

    Lots of love and courage

    Xxx

    Flowerlady x
  • Thanks Annette, it’s taken till now to have enough trust in what’s happening to talk about it. One thing that changed was he stopped drinking all together for a while when he was away. Alcohol was certainly fanning the flames. We both laid out some ground rules before he came back and have kept separate rooms. (sorry if that’s tmi) xx

    Tinalay 
    Every bad situation is a blues song waiting to happen.
    Amy Winehouse.
  • Thanks Flowerlady, 

    Life is definitely better with this man in it. xx

    Tinalay 
    Every bad situation is a blues song waiting to happen.
    Amy Winehouse.
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to Tinalay

    Hi tinalay

    your feelings  are the most important thing , not the moral high ground ,so if you feel happy that is wonderful , Enjoy your new found happiness ,mental well being is as important as physical well being 

    xxxxxx

    janet

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi

    I am so pleased to hear this. Your counsellor is right, I think. Actions do speak louder than words. He must be stronger than he thinks to be brave enough to come back and risk you rejecting him. I am so glad that the two of you have been able to start to find each other again and that life is better. Hold on to love. Always. 

    I feel a lot of resonance with what you say about not recognising the man in your house. The same happened to me and I was hoping the kind, loving, supportive man I married would come back. But he hasn’t and by all accounts he is still missing in action. 

    I met up with my ex’s brother, wife and kids in Ljubljana (he was at a conference and brought his family along for the break). I spent some time with my sister in law who said everyone from my ex’s old life feels the same. They say it’s like he’s been poisoned. Friends and family all feel the same. The most poignant example is this. His baby was born on August 9 in a small town in southern Serbia (his new wife has been unable to get a U.K. visa). His mum (one of the sweetest and kindest people I’ve ever met and devoted to her grandchildren) lives two hours drive away in Belgrade. She has not yet met her new grandson. I am as shocked by this as by anything he’s done in the last couple of years. 

    I am also struck by your comments about alcohol. I think it’s played a big part in what’s happened to my ex. 

    Enough of me. Thank you for sharing this. Frankly you are amazing 

    Xx

  • Morning Janet,

    You're absolutely right. There are a few folk lecturing me and telling me I should never have taken him back, including my step mother in law. Your words say it all so I'll steal them. Thank you xx

    Tinalay 
    Every bad situation is a blues song waiting to happen.
    Amy Winehouse.
  • Daloni,

    There were times during that nightmare when your posts sharing what you went through and how you coped were what got me up off the floor. 

    You could have been describing my husband and the shock, pain, and loss that went with his behavior. 

    Maybe one day I'll ask him what changed, but he asked to come and see me and as soon as I saw him I knew he was back. Actually even before I turned round, his physical presence was different.

    I'm so, so sorry your husband is still MIA, and your ex is a stranger to everyone. It speaks volumes that he hasn't introduced his son to his mother.

    Our younger son is moving in with his girlfriend this weekend. He chose to live at home after finishing uni to support me, and can see that his dad is now doing a good job.  

    So my husband, 2 sons and their other halves are going to Kefalonia on the 14th Sept for a week, the first family holiday in 10years.

    Yay us! xx

    Tinalay 
    Every bad situation is a blues song waiting to happen.
    Amy Winehouse.