Destined to be a victim?

FormerMember
FormerMember
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We incurables have no choice in the UK, other than to become victims.

We're not allowed to end things on our own terms.

We're expected to be "fighters to the end", putting up with the pain and bodily deterioration, the unstoppable loss of quality in our lives.

When things become too much to bear, we're drugged out of consciousness, kept alive... for what? Who wants us to go on like that?

And, after we're gone, people will say "He was a fighter, to the very end. He never gave up" but, in truth, if that's the way my life ends, it would be more accurate to say "Despite his wishes, he became a victim of how cancer-related dying is handled in this country".

I want control over my death. When the time comes, when the effects of the cancer are simply too much to bear, I want to be able to end my life peacefully, calmly, with thankfulness, with a few dear friends and loved ones at my side.

Is that too much to ask?

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Dear Tom,

    I am so sorry you are having to write this message here. I appreciate your wishes but question what you are asking for. Do you want to have control or do you want somebody to take control for you ? If you are advocating euthanasia then the morality issues for those being asked to preform the task are huge. 

    I know you must be feeling very depressed and I urge you to seek help and counselling at this time . Your friends and loved ones are there for you .

    Albondigas x 

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Tom,

    The thing is, you are asking for your end to be peaceful, calm, with dear friends, no pain etc, but that is exactly what your carers at the hospice or wherever also want you to have. Your question seems to be getting drugged practically unconscious. Understandably that not something that you want. You should be able to discuss this with the kinds of people mentioned above

     I told them I didn' t want to die in a hi one of y

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Sorry, Tom, 

    My message went wonky. What I was saying was that you should write that into your care plan. They told me they do their level be leave a person in pain.Get uourself know n down the old hospice. I am waiting for xounselljng from mine xxxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Hello .

    Thank you for replying. It's control over my own death that I want, and it would be my own act that ended things. Some tablets or a drink of something to send me off peacefully.

    Counselling really isn't going to help Slight smile

    There comes a time when the day-to-day pain and struggle outweighs any enjoyment of life. My friends and loved ones understand that. They know how I feel about this difficult topic and they respect my freedom to make the decision when the time comes. Of course, they don't want me to go before my time, but it's up to me to decide when that is.

    Xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Dear Tom ,

    To take that course of action at the right time is always in your control , I think everyone fears the end and knowing the right time is the skill . Most of us fear that we will no longer be able to act when because we are too ill. It is a horrible situation. 

    Albondigas x 

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Hi .

    I've been in touch with my local hospice, since around March last year. They've been helpful in terms of pain management but I have no desire to pass from this world under their care. It just isn't what I want. If that means I die a few months earlier than would otherwise be the case, so be it.

    The trouble with my particular form of cancer is that it might not cause death for quite some time yet. But, meanwhile, my face is increasingly disfigured and the pain increases. Morphine can only do so much... I don't want to spend my days so drugged up that I can't do anything except eat, sleep and go to the loo. There have been times when it's begun to be like that, so groggy with the morphine, nausea... I tell myself I'd rather have the pain, but that's now, while it's fairly tolerable.

    The hospice put me on Pregabalin for a while last year but the side effects (the runs) were worse than the pain... life-limiting.

    I want to be in control of my life... and my death. Surrendering myself to hospice care, even with my wishes stated clearly, just isn't something I can do. I will choose to die before that stage is reached... I know Macmillan don't like us being too explicit about this, so I'll leave it there.

    All that said, if you still think it's worth looking into a care plan, perhaps I'll ask the hospice about that next time I speak to my CNS.

    Thanks for caring. Xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Tom, me again, what I meant to say was they will do their level best NOT to have you in pain. But you should still be in control. Please discuss this with them. Have you got a Macmillan nurse? Or a Marine Curie nurse? 

    I was given a big brochure - for want of a better phrase - called "My Anticipary Care Plan' which  I can fill in with what I want and don't want and hand in to my gp to take into account with my care. Can you get something equivalent in England? 

    Love 

    Alison xxx 

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Hi Tom,

    At least with a care plan you can tell them what you DON'T want. I see what you are saying though, and I understand. It ain't easy, is it. Each person hopefully has the mental strengths to get what they want and need. 

    Have you tried steroids and Gabapentin? I am on that as well as morphine (oxycodone). Maybe there are other drug combos yet to be tried out. I hope so! 

    Take good care of yourself Tom

    Love

    Alison xxx 

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Tom 

    As always you bring an interesting and challenging discussion to the table. I think the law is that you can end your own life - but you can’t have someone help you. That raises a whole raft of questions. What constitutes help? Does standing around your bed while you end your life and not calling an ambulance count as help? Or how do you decide that this day is the day it all gets too much and is the last day you have the capacity to act on your own behalf? It’s not easy and I know doctors who argue that it’s only a matter of time before assisted suicide is legalised in the U.K. and doctors who say never, it’s not what they came into medicine for and there are no circumstances in which they would participate in ending a life deliberately. 

    All of which is about as much use to you right now as a chocolate teapot. Tom, the site guidelines say I should alert the moderators to a discussion of suicide and provide you with the number of the Samaritans. My reading of your post is that you’re not suicudal but you are angry at your lack of control in the advance of this awful disease that has robbed you of so much already and promises to continue to take. Tell me I’m wrong and I’ll gladly hit the button. 

    So let’s come back to love. You say you want to end your life peacefully surrounded by your loved ones at a time of your choosing. Most that of that is achievable - just not the last bit. The time of your choosing. And in all honesty that’s true for everyone, not just those of us with cancer. 

    Is it possible that those people who love you will walk this path with you and be glad to be there for you at the end, whatever that time might be? Working towards that is, I would argue, in your control. It’s certainly something I’m working towards. 

    Good to see you back, Tom. 

    Hugs 

    xxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Good reply there from Daloni, as is so often the case x

    I hope some changes can be made to the painkillers and grogginess as that is bugging you big time just now.

    I am off to try to unpick and sort out the mess my head is in just now. It's the worst it's ever been! I need to live with cancer, not be thinking I'm about to die 'next week' or whatever. Get me a counsellor!! I'm usually very good at sorting my own thoughts out. I'm working on it! Either you sit in a corner with your head down or you look up, get up, and go and do something. And it's called - living another day.

    Tomorrow I am going to the Hospice for complimentary therapies, so I can moan at them.

    Love to all

    Alison xxx