General cancer discussions

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Relationship Advice - Am I wrong?!

Resolution
Posted by

Hi,

ive never been on here before but I’m at a bit of a loss. I met my soul mate 11yrs ago, he is the most amazing person and I love him so much. I have never been treated better than how I am by him and I want to spend my life with him. A bit of background - I been through a lot in my life and I kept my relationship (pre cancer) with him very private for selfish reasons I guess, I just wanted him to be my haven, saviour and sane place away from all the rubbish I felt my life was.

Nearly 4yrs ago we had a big break through thing in our relationship and I set about making huge changes to my behaviour and life to create a proper future together (long distance relationship).

Then BAM! I was diagnosed with cancer. 

I had to start chemo immediately and would eventually have a huge life changing operation. My whole life I’ve been a professional dancer and model, my face helped me make money, I had jaw cancer.

He was amazing through chemo he came with me supported me and made me feel hopeful for my future. He did withdraw from his friends more so, though and I could tell he struggled with a lot of the treatment and emotions of it. I never saw cancer as anything other than yet another crappy hurdle in my life I had to get over.

I didn’t take a day off work. I worked through it all. I ripped my house and garden apart and started renovating it. I set up my own business. All through treatment because I was building mine and his future together so once Cancer was over we could just be happy. 

Ive got a few cosmetic surgeries still to have. My hair is growing back now, I have teeth again, my business is growing better and better, my house and garden look nicer, I started feeling healthier and fitter, being able to exercise properly again (leg was taken aswell as jaw). The only thing left was for us to finally begin our happy life together and I finally thought we were there.

It’s unlikely I can have babies (I was diagnosed young and no time to have eggs out) I started going through some ivf treatment and of course I asked him to be apart of it all and that’s when s#*t hit the fan. He has just gone. Completely changed, doesn’t want me or the life I spent 3yrs fighting to survive. Nothing. He won’t even talk to me. He’s treating me as if I’m some psycho ex who has done really bad to him. He literally won’t answer my calls, has blocked me, won’t even give me respect or consideration at all&i don’t get it. He was supposed to be in love with me how do you treat someone you love like that?

After everything we’ve been through aswell? He’s watched me go through 3yrs of the worst thing a human can go through, he’s watched me lose so much of myself. Every person I went through treatment with, who became my friends, have died I’m the only one to survive. He’s seen all that?! All these friends who had everything to live for and had caring relationships are dead. I’ve always felt guilty that I survived and they didn’t and now it’s even worse because I don’t particularly want to be here.

I fought to have a future he had promised we’d have and he’s taken it all from me, my future, my dreams, my happiness and my best friend. I know it seems ridiculous but Cancer seems so easy compared to the aftermath. 

I don’t need to talk to a counsellor or anything like that. Tbh I want someone on here to just explain how a human can ignore someone who’s  been through what I have let alone one who is supposed to love you. 

I go through stages of being so sad that I’ve been through everything I have to now feel like this, to absolutely raging that someone would treat me like this. I’ve had a few ppl leave my life since diagnosis and treat me badly and I’m an incredibly loyal and moral person and be I just couldn’t even imagine treating someone like this.

LittleRunner
Posted by

Dear Resolution, your post touched me so I just want to send some solidarity although I don't think I can supply any great wisdom.  I had a man leave me all of a sudden some years ago (still unexplained, it was long before I had cancer) and like yourself I felt great sadness and spells of anger.  I eventually came to think that he was not really the man I had thought he was. I hope that things improve for you soon.

GRANNY59
Posted by

Hi Resolution welcome to the forum and I am so very sorry to hear about what you have been through and all that you have experienced.

I can feel from your post that you have been very strong throughout all of this and maybe there is an assumption that your partner has been the same but it sounds like they havent been so strong after all and thats ok it would have been better if they had said something before doing what they have done.

I think we are all different in how we handle things and a Cancer diagnosis and going through treatment certainly brings home those who are true friends and those who are not. I personally have cut all the nots out of my life I dont need the extra stress of trying to make a relationship work  which is not based on my morals or values.

Maybe they just need some space to process all that has happened and may not yet be ready to talk. Its hard I know but maybe space and time are the key to all this for you both. I get that you will be angry but anger is wasted energy as nothing good ever comes from it and often things get said that cant be unsaid.

I dont know what else to say except that we are thinking of you and Im sending you some huge big hugs for now. xxxx 

Resolution
Posted by

Hi LittleRunner,

thank you for taking time out to respond to me. I understand everyone goes through heart ache and I don’t pretend to be the only one but I try express that this is more than the usual. I changed everything when I was diagnosed, I grew up, cared less (in a good way not being so affected by “uneccessary” problems), and I really focussed on what I wanted my future to be. I just wanted to survive and be happy And I’m not happy! It’s a weird world we live in. Thank you again for your support.

Resolution
Posted by

Hi Gail ()

Thank you for your reply and making an effort to do so.

you are totally right and this is something I really really struggle with and feel almost guilty about daily. I’m a very matter of fact, get on with things kind of person. When I was diagnosed I just saw it as an inconvenience I had so much to do I was always so busy and now had to fit Cancer in to my schedule. That’s exactly what I did just fit it in as something extra I needed to do. And tbh I don’t think that, that did allow anyone else to deal with it because I never felt I had to. But like you say this affects people in different ways and I do feel that whilst I had to just make sure I could fit it all around my work my boyfriend didn’t get a chance to have emotion around it as it was just about the practicalities for me. 

I know you’re right with regards to giving him space. I know you are. But it’s really hard not to think how did you watch me go through all this only to treat me like this now and be ok with me being so unhappy?! 

I worked so hard the last 4yrs to create the life I wanted to live all whilst fighting to live. It just seems a cruel injustice.

thank you again for your message and the hugs xxx

yvonne 54
Posted by

Had you discussed having children before your diagnosis? seems to be the thougjt of having them has scared him off.

But if so, he really should have sat down and discussed it with you

Resolution
Posted by

hi

weirdly yes, we did and had even discussed if we couldn’t ever have children for any reason would we adopt which was something we were both happy to do. We had discussed being like the couple in UP! And had many conversations about being happy just us, with a child of our own or adopting. And this was all before my diagnosis?!