hi susan and amanda, been having problems posting on the other post so thought i would carry on here and see if it works!! how has your weekend been? susan do things feel a little easier for you this year or not really? i feel so sorry for you having all those people around you last year when i bet all you wanted to do was run didnt you? its awful with christmas coming isnt it i even go shopping online as to not have to go shopping with all the xmas things about. i feel so selfish and bitter at the moment and dont want to, i can hear my mum saying come on karen dont be like that but its hard isnt it. i feel so lonely tonight i just want to talk and have a cuddle and a kiss with my mum, sometimes it really hits even harder doesnt it? speak to you both soon, and hope you are bearing up. we all need each other dont we? my love and thoughts are with you love karen xxxxx
Hope today went ok at the doctors, please do let us know.I agree that was probably playing on your mind yesterday, he does sound very supportive and thorough your GP so I hope it’s fine.
Actually Louise my mum died in hospital, it was awful.She had been in for a few weeks and we wanted her home.So I left my family and moved in with my sister so I could look after her.She was only home for 5 days before she started to bleed and had to be rushed back in, that’s when all the problems started and she really went downhill.So I moved into the hospital – I really just did it without a second thought.I. Like you, would never have wanted my mum to did there, it was really impersonal and just terrible.However by then my mum was unconscious and the surroundings were the least important thing.We were together, my brother and sister were there and that’s what she would have wanted.I think that would be just the same for your mum Louise, she knows you did your very best and all the decisions you made would have always been in her best interests.If anything had happened at home, you would never have been able to forgive yourself so actually you were not selfish at all – quite the opposite.I think that when people are dying their greatest wish must be to have the ones they love with them no matter where they are and you were there.You need to take a step back and ask what advice you would perhaps have given me for example if I had been in your situation – it’s easy to look back in retrospect and think about how we perhaps could have done things better.However, you did consider all the options, you were willing to give it a go and the decisions you made were made with only your mum’s best interests at heart and nobody could ask more of you.
I’m pleased that you have chatted with Diane and hope you feel comfortable about all that, she sounds lovely and if it has given a little more of an insight that I think that’s great.
As for my trip yesterday, it was tiring but enjoyable and very worthwhile, I can fly from a local airport so it’s only just over an hour but I was still out from about 16 hours so an early night tonight for me!!
I hope you ok now? And I can see that you’re going to have to go to a “weight gainers” class – especially around GP visits and counselling!Remember next week you have to eat before you go so stock up now – get yourself off to Tesco’s!!
Thanks so much for all your messages. Haven’t had a good day today and feel absolutely drained so I’m just writing one tonight. I’m sure I managed to keep my feelings from everyone during the day but since I have come home I have felt sick and I’ve cried and cried till there’s no more tears left in me. After Christmas and the anniversary of Mum’s death I felt quite elated and proud that I’d actually managed to climb over these hurdles but as the days are passing again I feel as if I’m disappearing back into this big black hole again. I’m like a child and today all I want is to have my mum and dad back-just for a few minutes- to tell them that I love them and miss them both so much and to just give them one last hug. I get so frustrated with myself when I feel like this. Why can’t things be normal again? Why do I still have so much pain inside after all this time? Sorry Girls.
Jayne- Hope the dentist went well. I forgot to say before that I’d also love to hear your story about your dad. I definitely think that death is not the end. Didn’t get the ECG today but have been given home a blood pressure monitor for 10 days to see if being in my own surroundings helps bring it down. I’ll get the ECG, blood, cholesterol tests in three weeks. Enjoy your meal tonight.
Amanda –So good to hear from you. You’ve been in my thoughts such a lot. I think having just come through the anniversary of my mum’s death helps me to understand exactly how you’re feeling too at this time. I hope things work out with your brother and your dad. It will be quite a change for you. More change really scares me at the moment. I’ll speak to you more later.
Susan-Are you still in Dublin? It’s terrible but I missed you yesterday.
Karen- You did so well at your counselling. Hope WW goes OK tonight. Promise I write more soon.
Marie- Good to hear from you. I’ve been reading some of your posts on other threads so I know what you’ve been up to.
Thank you all so much again for all your support. I’m off to have to have a long walk with my doggie now.
Listen I’m so sorry that you feel so weary tonight – but that’s ok. You must have had days like that when your parents were well.You should feel proud, you have done so well and come so far but please don’t think that these feelings today will not come back from time-to-time, they will and they’re not a sign of weakness or a reason to be concerned, Lousie, they’re just normal (well for us here J)It’s all ok, so no need to be frustrated or cross with yourself – it’s ok to feel like this.Tomorrow is another day and we can start again – except that with each start we are a little step further ahead – always.
You have managed so well, don’t be frustrated, just have some belief that it’s just a day when things are just not so good and although they do mean that we miss our loved ones even more, we need to try and just appreciate that we’ll always miss them and even more at these times, when we just need a hug and to know that everything will be alright.But it will be Louise, please don’t be too hard on yourself!
I hope you’re going to try to eat something now, relax and have an early night.Tomorrow’s a new day and you will feel better!
Well quite a week - you sound as if counselling went quite well and I'm so pleased that you were able to go. I think it's just fine to talk and cry, I think that's part of why it's so good to go. You should feel at ease talking and expressing your feelings so I would think that is all positive - well done!
I agree that the most difficult thing is wanting to chat on the phone or go shopping or for a coffee with Mum - I miss that closeness, companionship and just endless nattering so much and funnily enough nobody esle can fill that void. That part of my life has gone forever and it is so sad and I do miss those times so much but what can we do? I have no just accepted that I can have those experiences no more, and in many ways, if I can't spend them with my mum, then I'd rather not bother because it just does not mean the same. It's difficult to express these feelings to most people, but not here Karen. we do understand that void and we know how painful it is and the frustration is there is nothing we can do about it other than cherish the memories.
I'm so thrilled for you Karen and all you have achieved, I hope your family are seeing little rays of you moving forward and I'm sure their support is ongoing.
So I hope this week goes well, I suppose the weight loss will even out now so I'll wait to hear from you.
How are you today, I think you’re sounding a bit better and I think that being here sharing your feelings and thoughts does help us all feel better so the Libran bit sounds good to me!
Hey no need to apologise for the way you feel, that’s why we ‘re all here and we all have our down days when everything seems so desperate and challenging.Hopefully we all have these times at different times so we can look after each other.We have to feel comfortable expressing how we feel, as you so rightly say for many of us the acute phase has passed and we often feel wary of bothering others.I think that men (including your brother) perhaps find it even more difficult to talk through – my brother is just the same,he just seems able to close his mind to what has happened- however, I know that it just a front and at sometime he will need to face his feelings.
Good luck with the application, it sounds ideal for you, I bet you’re really good with the public, I do hope all goes well and yes time to dump those jeans and Morrisons (hope you enjoyed your meal tonight!!)
I thought the poem was lovely, thanks, we need that feature each month!I bet March is good and I’ll really need April’s as that will be my most difficult time!
I’m also interested in your spiritual beliefs – especially if you feel that you will all meet up again and that it’s only a matter of time before you’re reunited.I envy anyone who has that true belief, it must be very comforting.
Anyway better go and get supper, time is getting on (again!)
Have been a really long walk and cleared my head again. Sorry for that awful message sounding so full of self pity yet again. I was going to delete it when i came back but too late, you spotted it! I’ve been feeling so isolated and lonely the past few days. I really don’t understand where these feelings come from sometimes.
I was so sorry to hear of your dear mum in that hospital. What a loving and caring daughter you were. When the doctor came to see Mum before she was admitted to the hospice, I remember her sitting and just shaking her head when he suggested the hospice. He tried to explain how difficult it was for us all, even with extra nursing care and we would have so much more quality time there. I know deep down we had to do it but she really didn’t want to go. I don’t think she had any real understanding of how ill she really was. Perhaps it was a godsend.
I’m glad Dublin went well. Do you get to go away often? You’ll definitely need an early night tonight. We had a technology course after work tonight. We were manoeuvring robots around some obstacles but I’m afraid my robot just went round in circles!!! My little ones would probably have managed better.
I’m off to try and have something to eat now. Then an early night too I think. As you say tomorrow is another day and we can start again.
great to hear from you, glad you had a good day in dublin.
i bet your shattered, time to put your feet up and relax, you deserve it!
you are so right about the closeness with our mums, you have to try and accept that is no longer ever going to be the same, that is one of the hardest things to come to terms with isnt it susan? but the love is still always there and the same even though there not here isnt it?
i do hope you have a lovely relaxing evening and you have a good day tomorrow.
i am so sorry you having an awful few days, i am sending you a big hug ( ), i hope it helps you.
louise i can identify with you that sometimes you feel so lonely and isolated and your in a little world of your own, and how it makes you feel is just so awful and you wonder what life and everything is all about, as susan said have a nice early night and tomorrow is another day, and hopefully a much better one for you. we are all here for you to try and help. i hope you have something to eat and have a relaxing evening.
my weight stayed the same tonight, well at least i didnt put any on.
hope tomorrow is better for you, speak to you very soon, thinking of you, lots of love and hugs karen xxx
Thank you for message, I am sorry you are not feeling so great at moment and completely empathise with you, I so often read your posts and feel that you could be writing for me!! I think its because we have the time connection and how we both feel like we should be a bit further on in this grieving process, it does help though to know that we are all here for each other and will continue to be. It is a hard time of the year, even if the sun is shining it is hard to get out as much, or to feel as happy, I think when the weather improves we will too, so roll on spring/summer! I felt same about Christmas and New Year - happy that I had got through it, just as you were but you also had your mums anniversary to deal with too, I think I am feeling that low after Christmas period because it is dealing with everyday feelings of loss again, whereas leading up to Jan there was quite alot going on, especially in school for you. Dont feel bad about how you are feeling and just take strength that you have got over the first year ( I know that its horrible thinking we havent seen them for a year) but from what many say it will get easier and easier because we will get more used to life without them here physically, and accept what has happened more. I dont know if `i am just waffling but I just want you to know that I am thinking about you and send you lots of love at this hard time.
xxx Take care of yourself and Benji
Love Amanda
