my beautiful mum has gone page 2

Hi everyone,

I am sorry I have not posted since my last desperate message, and thank you for all of the replies I really appriciate it. I guess I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself, and sometimes it si hard to just keep repeating it to people in your lives isnt it? My dad got home at weekend so it was lovely to see him, he came over with my brother his grilfriend (Jay who, yes is from Thailand) and her father and best friend who are visiting from Thailand. Jay is a lovely girl and was very close and very good to my mum, my brother and Jay moved back in with my mum and dad just before mum found out about cancer secondaries and so all during Chemo she was a great help with things like dinner and cleaning (although with them there it did make more work than there would have been with just my mum and dad!) My mum got on really well with her. She has to move back to Thailand because the Thai goverment paid for her to do a doctorate in buisness and so she now has to go and work for the goverment to pay them back, and also because she has been her for 10 years, after what has happened to my mum, she wants to go back and be near her parents cause you never know what s around the corner. My brother is very serious about her so wants to go with her, which will be a very big change for him but good for him.

Ill post and continue prob with word at mo

So yes it is all change around here, I think they will be going in April/May time so a few months away. But some days you just think about all the changes and with more on the horizon it feels very strange. I also think my dad will be spending quite a bit of time in Spain, seems a new job opp might be arising over there though that is def yet so we shall just wait and see.

Josie and Aaron are doing well (and Jayne please dont worry about not mentiong Aaron to begin with also I would be very interested to hear about your dad visiting you and how that made you think differently, am very interested in the Spiritual side but you just dont know if you are clutching at straws sometimes do you?)

Josie seems ready to walk, she does holding my hands, but has such a fast crawl that on her own she stands then just drops to her bum and crawls. She is so cute and has such a strong personality, my mum would find her hilarious. Aaron was such an even tempered little boy and still is thank goodness, but Josie, she has little tantrums already - I think I will have my work cut out for me!! She was sent to keep me very busy!! Aaron is loving school and has just changed to school dinners which he is really enjoying (they work hard on the food at this school). He phoned my dad up today just for a little man to man chat, my dad loves hearing his voice, even though we saw him yesterday I feel like I need to call him a least a couple of times a day just to see how he is. He had tried to call me when I was in the gym because he had been clearing out a drawer and found all mum and his last anmniversary cards and birthday cards - I called him back as soon as I saw I had missed his call, poor thing I just wanted to pop over and see him, its hard when you dont just live around the corner isnt it? But he is doing pretty well mum would be proud of him and he has been concentrating on his art work again which is great. He even did a modern art course when he was in Spain.

And I just wanted to say that maybe one day we could meet up for that Old Trafford game - I know someone who could organise tickets!!!! My brother is going tomo with Jay and family so - One day!

Thank you all so much for the support and kind words you have sent me and to each other, cause even when you dont send a message yourself it is still nice to check in and see how everyone is doing. I still have not called counsellor but think I probably should start again, esp after I read Louise and Karens messages. I think I was a bit more together before Christmas! Take care and I hope you are all doing okay.
Lots of love from
Amanda xx

Hi Louise,

Thanks for your message.  Yes my parents were the best too. Because I never got married till late (45) and I always lived on my own, I used to go on holidays with them (not all of them), but it was like going away with best friends.  People must have thought it strange, but we used to have such a good laugh.  Then when Dad passed, Mum said she didn’t think she would ever go away again.  We didn’t go away in 1994 after we lost Dad, but then in 1995, I said to Mum that Dad wouldn’t want us just to stop going on holidays, so Mum and me used to go together.  It was strange the first holiday without him, but we know he was with us.  (even if we did have to carry our own cases at the airport!).  bless him.

I was thinking about all of you that had lost your Mum and Dad so close together this morning (when I first woke up), and was trying to feel how you feel.  I put all the hurt and sadness of losing my Dad, together with all the hurt and pain of losing Mum, and its just unbelievable.  I cried for you all.  We all missed my Dad dreadfully, but after 12 years of him not being around (13 this year), its not that I don’t miss him, its just that we sort of got used to him not being around, even though we still did cry.  And knowing how I hurt so much now, I just don’t know how I would have coped having that doubled by losing them both together.  I just wish I could take some of your hurt away and share it, its not right that any of you should have double the pain.

My Dad had just had his 67^th birthday when he went, he had only just retired and was looking forward to taking it easy.  But we nearly lost him a few years before that, he had an aortic aneurysm, which started leaking, and was rushed to intensive care.  At this point my Mum came down with some sort of virus flu bug, so couldn’t go and visit him.  I used to go on my own.  Then one night the doctor called me into his office and said they didn’t think he would live the night and that my Mum, no matter how ill she was, should come and see him.  I drove straight to her house, wondering how I was going to tell her.  When I got there, she had managed to get up and was sitting in her dressing gown just staring into space.  I got on my knees, held her hand and said I had something to tell her.  I started explaining what the doctor had told me, and she stopped me in mid sentence.  She said not to worry, everything was going to be ok, and that Dad was going to come home.  I thought that maybe she was just trying to comfort me, so didn’t tell her anymore.  She did go and see him the next night, and miraculously and to the doctors surprise, he recovered and came home about a month later.  It was a few months later, that me and Mum were out together when she said she had something to tell me but I musnt laugh or tell anyone.  She said, do you remember when I told you not to worry about Dad and that he would come home.  (bearing in mind my Mum was a bit of a sceptic, she was not easily convinced about things). And what I’m about to tell you, I don’t mind if no one believes it, but I know my Mum and she just wouldn’t make anything up.  The night before I was told about my Dad not living the night, my Mum saw an angel in her bedroom.  She said it materialised from the bottom up and was about 7 or 8 feet tall.  She wasn’t asleep, because at first she was frightened, then she closed her eyes thinking it would go away, but when she opened them, he was still there.  She said he just smiled at her, and she felt an immense feeling of calm and love, and she knew Dad was going to be ok.  I feel so lucky that my Mum had this happen.  I asked her a long time after this if she remembered it very clear, and she said it was something that she would never ever forget because it was as plain as anything and I just know that this really did happen to her.  It was after this that both Mum, Dad and myself starting believing that maybe there is something else after we leave this earth.  And I certainly do now because of what happened to me after Dad passed (I will explain later, as Amanda wanted to know).  This post is getting too long now zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz,

Anyway, I hope you have a good day Louise, I have to go, (dentist), speak later, love jayne xxx.

Hi All- hope you are all doing ok.Have been reading through the posts and have been greatly comforted. I too believe that there is something for us when we die, but since mum died, i have questioned it a little bit.I have been hoping for something-don't know what- that will reassure me that mum is ok but i havent experienced anything.Its nice to read of people who have.I have been very up and down since mums death, and coming on here reading your posts has helped me a lot.Take care all of you.XXXX

Hi Louise,

Sorry, I remembered whilst sitting in dentist that you were at doctors today, hope everything went okay.  Love jayne xxx

Hi Amanda,

Its good to see you, and you're entitled to feel sorry for yourself what with everything that’s happened and going on.  How lovely to see your Dad, I hope he is ok, I bet he just loves being with his 2 smashing grandchildren.  You had quite a gathering at the weekend by the sound of it.  Jay does sound so nice, its great what she did and how close she was to your Mum.  I’m sure that having known your lovely Mum and being so close to her that she will be a great support for your brother in his times of sadness.   It’s a shame that she has to move back to Thailand, but as your brother is serious about her its good that they will be together.  April/May does seem a while away, but you know yourself how quick the weeks and months go by.  Do you think you will get to see them very often?   Your life must seem upside down at the moment.  And then your Dad may be spending a lot of time in Spain as well.  Will he come back often, or is it possible for you to go out to visit him?  I really feel for you Amanda, it must feel like one thing after another at the moment.

Josie sounds lovely, there’ll be no stopping her once she is up and walking on her own.  And as I said before, I’m certain your Mum is watching her progress and laughing at all the little things she does.  When she is up and about, Aaron will take charge and make sure his little sister doesn’t get into any scrapes.  Thank goodness for big brothers.  It made me smile about the ‘man to man’ chat, I love talking to our kids on the phone, they think you can see what they’re doing don’t they?  I hear my niece calling in the background “don’t just nod your head, say yes”. 

That must have been hard for your Dad going through all the cards, but also he must have some really happy memories together.  Its really difficult to do that isn’t it?  Sometimes its nice just to see their handwriting again, and then other times it just makes you realize what's happened doesn’t it. 

I’m glad you are interested in the spiritual side of things, and I will tell you soon about what happened after Dad passed, but I’m actually going out tonight for an early meal !!!!!  Yes, OUT, and not to morrisons, how weird.  Take care Amanda, love to you and all your family.  Jayne xxx