my beautiful mum has gone page 2

Hi Louise

Good to see you and I’m sorry about the last few days for you, I was very pleased to see you did go out to dinner with your friends; I’m sure a few weeks ago that may not have been the case- what do you think?

I did see that Diane has been and I was wondering how you would feel about that?  She sounds a good friend and I hope you will not feel as if you have to be careful at all – here, we can and must feel free to say what we feel- it’s our little sanctuary where we can be ourselves and we can say what we are feeling without feeling we should be doing anything else.

.As for my own experiences Louise, well it’s maybe easy to see that from the outside looking in, you have been through just as much and I can see that.  It sounds as if your Macmillan experience was very positive and I’m sure that is the case for most people and maybe we were just so unprepared, I’m not sure, although I admit that we would not be the most objective people to talk.   

No wonder your weekend has been up and down – especially after the disappointment about your posy, you’ve done well to bounce back and make the effort to get out and about.  It is good to come home to security and familiarity and just a little safe haven (bit like here really!)

Old Trafford is a great place to go and quite an experience, we al used to go as a family and it does bring back many happy memories for me – although, I would now be wary of returning because I know that it would be difficult for me to face all the memories and I would just miss my mum and dad so much.  So unlike you and Karen who can take on the greater challenge of counselling, for now, I have to avoid this Old Trafford challenge.  I know my limitations and what I can manage and what just has to wait a little longer and this is one of those that must wait!

I agree Louise, we have never meet, we do live far away and yet we share something special which binds us all together.

Hope tomorrow goes well and let me know how it goes with Diane,

Love Susan x

Hi Karen,

Hope you're feeling ok.  Its good that you were out all day, a bit of an achievement I’d say.  You sound like you have your hands full at times with your 3 boys but it must be nice having them around you.  I’m sure they're really supportive.

No I don’t have any children, when I was younger I was always out and about or at work and it just never happened.  My brother has 2 girls who used to stay with me at weekends and Mum and Dad used to take them on holidays and I used to ‘tag along’ with them.  People used to think they were mine.  They are grown up now, 28 and 31.  My eldest niece has been married for 9 years and has a boy aged 7 and girl aged 4.  Its funny really because when I talk about them I forget how old I am and tend to call them my nephew and niece instead of GREAT nephew and niece!!  They're lovely children and they really miss their great grandma.  My Mum spent a lot of time with them.  When Mum passed, my (great) nephew asked his friend at school to stab him because he wanted to die and go to heaven to be with his grandma!!  It was so heartbreaking when my niece told me this.  He’s such a sensitive caring little boy.  My (great) niece asked me if grandma was dead and said “is grandma an angel now”.  My Mum lived for her family, she brought up my brother and me, then more or less my 2 nieces, then my nieces 2 children, she was an amazing lady. 

I’m crying again now, sorry, I don’t mean to make anyone feel down, but you know how it is when you look back on things. 

Take care Karen, love Jayne xxx

Hi Louise,

The weekend was a bit quiet, (no change there then)!  How was yours?

(sorry I just got a bit upset whilst posting Karen, I don’t think I’m having such a good day today, but hopefully will snap out of it as I read through the posts).

Your web site is in no way boring, I think its great.  The pictures of all the teachers made me smile.  Where did you get your outfit from?

Benji does sound a bit crazy laying in water this weather but what a lucky dog having you to take him on all those beach walks and be so near to the countryside as well.  We have a small spinney at the back of us, we walk through sometimes, about 10 minutes to the local pub, although the last time we went was new years eve lunch time.  Very muddy.  We have fields at the back next to the spinney as well, so plenty of scope for a good walk, but unfortunately no dog.  I used to have a cavalier king charles called Dylan, he loved water.  He used to put his head under and his ears would float on top, he was a smashing dog and best friend.  My Dad did an oil painting of him which I treasure.  Sorry I’m gonna have to go, I don’t know what the hecs wrong with me today, I just feel so low.  I’ll be back later after a good cry.

Hi Susan

Hope you and your family are ok.  Hampshire, what a beautiful part of the country, and so near Chesil.  We go a bit further down, near to West Bay Harbour, its our favourite place, although getting a bit busier these days.  I used to like it when Mum and Dad took us there, it was so quiet.

I hope your husband continues to do well, it must be difficult when his 3 monthly appointment comes round (and it comes round quick doesn’t it).  Your son sounds a lovely caring lad, he’s not only dealt with his loss of his grandma, his dads illness, but has been so caring for you as well.  You have a lovely family.

My week, well, a bit pointless I suppose really.  Haven’t really done or achieved anything.  There were 2 jobs in Thursday’s paper, which I’m applying for, well definitely 1 of them, not sure about the other one yet.  I’m not sure my Mum would be proud of me at the moment.  I don’t think she would be very happy that I’m not working.  Although she did agree with me that my ex boss wasn’t very understanding of her illness.  She wouldn’t have wanted me to stay there, so I don’t feel bad about leaving there.  I did tell her before she passed that I didn’t think I would ever go back, so at least she did know that. 

Not having a good day today, don’t know why because I’m usually quite perky.  Sometimes I wonder if I’ve handled things a bit too well.  People must think ‘she's got over it quick hasn’t she’.  Its just that sometimes I feel if I do cry I’ll never stop.  But I’m a Libran, and apparently they're either up or down, there is rarely a fine balance of inbetween.  Today must be one of those down days.  Well now I've thoroughly depressed everyone, I’d better go.  Take care, love jayne xxx

Hi Jayne

Sorry you’re not feeling too good, just one of those days?  I think that sometimes writing things down can be very upsetting and I have also sat here trying to write even though tears were streaming down my face.  I hope that by being able to talk through and think about all these emotional memories and thoughts that perhaps we are learning to face them and maybe even accept them.  For many months, I just bottled things up, not wanting to bother anybody or feel like I was also going over the same things.  Yet here it’s all ok and I think, for me, it has been an important part of my healing process.  At some point we do have to let it out and I have cried until I ached and there could be no more tears – at least at that time.  I do hope that in time you may also be able to reflect on these very difficult times and maybe feel as I do.  I appreciate that’s not much help today!  And it’s not even been sunny or the slightest bit cheerful outside.

Your week, pointless, never but perhaps as the weeks are passing and you are making progress you are feeling a little restless and maybe getting a little nearer to the time when you will be ready for work.  Your mum would know you well enough to understand that when the time is right, you’ll be going to work, but until then, most of all she would not have wanted you to rush into anything – especially as you had such a nasty boss before.  So what kind of job are you thinking about??

I must admit I know nothing about star signs etc but I have just looked up Librans and I think you may be spot on “Librans are sensitive to the needs of others and have the gift, sometimes to an almost psychic extent, of understanding the emotional needs of their companions and meeting them with their own innate optimism - they are the kind of people of whom it is said, "They always make you feel better for having been with them."

LIKES

• The finer things in life – that’s good!


• Sharing – that’s better!


• conviviality – sounds like you!


• Gentleness – just you to a tee!

DISLIKES

• Violence – good!


• Injustice - better


• Brutishness - yep


• Being a slave to fashion – what do you think????

Sorry need to rush now but I’ll be back later, hope you feeling a teeny bit better?