Hi. 3 weeks ago we got the diagnosis that my wife has stage 4 Colorectal cancer, with mets to her liver.
My wife is 41, and we have been married for nearly 18 years, and have two kids. Our son is 13 and daughter is 9.
As of the last scan the liver mets are non-operable and the hope is that chemo can reduce the tumours to allow for operation. She hasn’t started her Chemo yet (it’s scheduled for the start of November, as first she has to have radiology to the main tumour to reduce its size a little and to curtail any bleeding). We are also still waiting for her markers to come back, so they can 1: decide any additional drugs that can be added alongside the chemo ‘base' and 2: get some view how well the tumours might respond to the treatment - waiting for this feedback feels like a form of torture.
I have no close family, and as I’ve been so devoted to my wife (I absolutely idolise her!) and family I don’t have close friends, just acquaintances - so nobody to confide in or cry with. I also work remotely for an international company so other than remote Teams meeting I am quite isolated in my working day - work is currently a bit of a welcome distraction.
Anyway, that’s the context. My wife is terrified that she won’t see her kids grow up, and can see (although I try - badly - to put on a brave face) what it is doing to me. I’m terrified that I’m going to lose the absolute centre of my world, and frustrated that I can't just fix her. At the moment I can shed tears at the drop of a hat, and normally I’m quite well grounded. Its a bit weird that sometimes I'm actually fine, I can be very optimistic that the clever DRs will fix it, and can even rationalise what the future might look like without her; but then from nowhere the emotions catch up and its over-powering.
Id like to connect with other people in my situation, who understand the stress and anxiety it is causing. Give me an outlet to be vulnerable and maybe give me some ways to help me cope.
Hi D7973
Welcome to our community, I hope you find it useful. My experience with cancer is with my wife who has Leiomyosarcoma.
Often on here people talk about the time between diagnosis and treatment starting being just about the most difficult of all. It can feel a bit better to feel we are actually doing something. I totally know what you mean about work feeling like a good distraction though as that is where we are in control and know what is going to happen.
I find some of the information in your feelings when someone has cancer quite helpful, being able to recognize the emotions and accept them as valid can help them to be less overwhelming.
Our son was about 8 when my wife was diagnosed, there is some good information in talking to children that he found quite useful and we were very lucky to get good support from his school - helpful that he got the same information when he asked there.
Something I found out the hard way was remembering to look after me. I ended up doing a living with less stress course and they helped me focus on the here and now rather that a black future that I could not control - and I could imagine much worse than actually happened. The conscious breathing exercises I was taught were great for allowing me to relax especially when things might take a bad turn.
Do post on here whenever and if it helps remember you are more than welcome to talk to the staff on the helpline too, it is open from 8am to 8pm 7 days a week.
<<hugs>>
Steve
Hi.
Ive just joined today to come and seek ‘something’ and i could have written most of your post.
I am so sorry to hear about your wife and the fact ypu are both now navigating this awful journey.
My partner has been diagnosed with Stage 4 Colorectal Cancer on 5/9/24. An aggressive mutation. Liver covered. Lymph nodes enlarged. Possible mets on lungs. Not viable to operate Not responding to Immunotherapy. Basically diagnosed as terminal. Hes just begun 6 months of fortnightly chemo and all we can do is hope he responds better than anticipated and we can change the diagnosis.
Im a nurse. I can deal with most of it but im struggling with the awful rollercoaster of emotions. Good hours. Bad hours. Good days. Bad days. No warnings. Overwhelming feelings of despair. And then guilt. Weve been together only 3 years but genuinely feels like much much longer. Hes my best friend and im so terrified of what the future holds if hes not in it anymore. Then like you, i flip to being positive. If I get 6,7,8 more years - how amazing will that be!! But I see others and feel that my worry and pain is nothing to someone thats losing a partner of 20yrs… and that i should be able to deal with this better. Its ridiculous i know.
Hes 44yrs old. He was cancer free 18m ago. A colonoscopy showed this. He had no symptoms until it was already too far gone. They started treatment within 4 weeks luckily but now we are just waiting and trying to stay optimistic and avoid the absolute reality that we may only have a few more years. 11 more treatments to go 
If you need someone to vent to. To just offload to. To try and navigate the bumps (mountains!!) in the road. I will listen. And like you say, maybe it will help to try and figure out some healthy coping strategies along the way
