***REPOST**** For the purposes of this group.
I'm not sure whether I have the right place or anything, but I just want to rant out somewhere )-: I don't expect anyone to read through all of this, but I'll try and keep it tame.
There is not one part of my life that I am currently satisfied with because cancer has ruined every aspect of my life! EVERYTHING. My family, my partner, my work and my study have been destroyed because of this stupid cancer. I am not happy anymore, and probably haven't been since my diagnosis in Jan. How could I be happy. Everything I had hoped/desired for in life, isn't going to happen. I have nothing to look forward to, except for maybe a padded coffin, but even then, it's not that appealing.
And then there's the other bits in my life that has been ruined. I've missed my best friend's wedding, I've missed seeing my friends' new babies, missed out meeting with relatives from overseas, was hospitalised on my birthday and couldn't go to my grandfather's funeral because at the time I was unwell & on dialysis..... that really breaks me.
I hate it the most when people say, "But you're not old!" - wow, good observation. Apparently age doesn't discriminate, and neither does stupidity. It's not fair that anyone gets cancer, but I'm young.. I have just finished university, working on my masters.. and I don't get to use any of it. My life is ending before it even really begins.
And I'm angry at everyone else I know, not just those who make the dumb comments. Just because they're not me. I am so jealous that they're them, and I am me. They're healthy, and I'm sick. I am overcome with jealousy that it's beginning to affect relationships with these people. I am jealous they will do all the things I won't - get married, have babies, travel, grow old. It's NOT FAIR. I WANT TO DO THESE THINGS TOO! I just cannot accept that I won't, and that's the worst part... I see babies at the shopping centre and think how much I look forward to having my own - JOKES not for me... )-:
And back to the comments people make - OMGGG. Go away. I hate it when people say things like, "You don't look sick", or "When do you think you'll feel up to it?" First, are you blind?????????? How can I NOT look sick?!?! Second, probably never because I have this thing called CANCER. Why are people so stupid? And why do they ask such stupid questions or make stupid comments! I am usually very tolerable of people like this, but I can't take their garbage anymore! The worst is when they say "I understand" when I'm trying to have a rant JUST ABOUT ME. Unless they've had cancer, or very close to someone who has, then NO, no they DO NOT understand!!! They don't know what it's like to be told they have cancer. They don't know what it's like to have to go through rounds and rounds of chemotherapy, ONLY to be told it's not working anyway!! And then the best bit - being told, nope, no more treatment for you. How could they understand what it's like to be told their life is going to end prematurely; and definitely before the conclusion of 2012. How can they "UNDERSTAND" what it's like to be told they're going to die? They can't. And I wish they wouldn't even say the word "I" or "me" when I'm trying to talk to them just about MYSELF - TRINITY. I am a counsellor, and my whole life revolves around listening to others about every aspect of their life, and the same applies for friends/family. However, when I wish to say something, it's a completely different story - maybe that's why I need to rant )-: I just want the tables to be turned for once! )-:
I hate that other people have hair, and I don't. The loss of my hair was one of the worst parts of this WHOLE thing (following the diagnosis and notifying me of further spread). It was the ONE thing that I held dead - spending a good hour every morning making sure each strand is neatly in place... I miss sitting watching tv and running my fingers through it, or even my partner playing with it while I fell asleep in bed. I MISS the stupid little things that come with having hair. It's not just a loss of hair, it's a loss of self-esteem and who I am.
I seldom say it, but, WHY ME?? I know there's no answer, but I feel I need to say it... why why why. I don't understand what's happened?? I blame my parents for this sometimes; I know it's the wrong thing to do... but I blame them for bringing me into the world and making me go through this. I especially sometimes hate on mum so much because it's on HER side that half the family have died from gastric cancer... and this is my only answer to the above, "why" question.
Then there's the physical aspect I can whinge about. I hate feeling tired. I hate feeling sick 95% of the time, and when I don't, all I can think about is when it's going to come back! My skin is yellow from my slowly dying liver, not to mention the swelling of my body parts that go with it. I take hours to finally fall asleep, because every single joint in my body aches and aches. No matter what position I lye in, or how many blankets I use to soften the bed beneath me, nothing works. And by the time I do get to sleep, it's nearly morning, and time to endure it ALL AGAIN.
All I want to do is lay in bed (comfortably, preferably) in the dark, crying, and listening to some depressing music like Coldplay (<3) and eat twelve tubs of ice cream... but I can't even do that... diabetes... )-: ...again, brought on through this disgusting disease. All my life is right now, is waiting to die..
I don't know... )-: cancer has broken me.
Additional Note: I am 24y.o Female from Aus. Diagnosed Gastric Cancer in Jan 2011 with mets to Lymph Nodes, Liver and Left Lung.
There's a place called the room in the chat group. It's excellent for a rant because you can kick the door down as you leave.
Hugs, Colin xxxx
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Lins and Colin are right..we are all just a few clicks away... here for you whenever you need us! Ranting is good for you and you know that you are amongst friends who care and understand. So come and join us in Chat very soon, Flo. xxx
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