I’m really sorry to read that you are struggling.
Can I ask what you are afraid of?
If it helps, I lock my fear in a box and place it high up in the trees of the secret garden in my mind. Only I know where it is, and I choose not to go looking for it. Not always successful but it has worked for me many times.
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That’s a great way of thinking (or not!) of it. I’m scared of cancer, scared it’ll come back, scared that every little twinge, bump, lump or change is something sinister.
My sister said goodbye to her boobs two years ago, my brother is struggling with throat tumours, brother in law lost his fight with Melanoma in June, dad died of a brain tumour, nana of lung cancer.
My tests, scans, MRI and CT are all clear, but even then I struggle.... I’m seeing a phyc, was taking antidepressants but the side effects were making me ill, so the doctor said to stop, which I feel strangely triumphant about having stopped for a month now...
Everyone says I look good, they don’t/can’t know how I feel.... it’s changed me, I’ve lost me, I know that I’ll never be the same, but it’s the fear that I dread... I can’t seem to lock it away- maybe I need to buy a bigger more fortified box, and hide it right at the top of the highest tree...
i live in Spain so without a lot of support, that’s why I joined Macmillan...... going through all this crap is bad enough, going through it in a foreign country in another language is tricky
Hi dd, I think u need to dig a big hole to bury your (strong) box in.
I can well understand your fear with all those family members being affected by cancer., But it IS really the dreaded what ifs at work really. Sorry, I'm not shouting, can't bold or underline here.
Have u tried talking therapy, as opposed to anti depressants? Or you could talk to the helpline if u find it easier in English -
+44 207 091 2230
Sending u a virtual hug x
I’m trying therapy, it’s in Spanish but to be honest any language is difficult for this subject, I will try digging a deeper hole.... thank you for caring
One thing that helped me with fear of what might happen in the future is the notion that I can’t really fear something when I don’t know what is going to happen. I realised that my fear of the future was a fear of the past repeating itself. But the past can never repeat itself, something will always be different, maybe in a small way, maybe in a big way. But it just can’t be the same. So I began to ask myself, how can I be afraid of something when I don’t know what it will be? It may be really bad, it may be really good, it might be somewhere in between, but the key point is, I don’t know. So I decided to just let it be, deal with what is right in front of me, but don’t fast-forward to some perceived reality that I am probably wrong about.
I fail miserably sometimes, but this mindset really helps a lot of the time.
Hope this helps
Hi Greg, your words are echoed by my phyc... I do try I really do. Thank you so much for taking the time...
Don’t be hard on yourself. It’ll probably take a long time. It took me a long time and it’s not a permanent state, I can slip back very easily. But I genuinely think allowing those thoughts to be what they want to be and not allowing them the space to fester is a good way to go.
Well said in your 2 posts above, Greg
Hi I try to live ‘in the moment’ ... in reality it’s difficult to forget the past and even harder to not worry about the future . Tomorrow I’m taking a big step I’m having my first (and probably last) tattoo done.... a small blue butterfly. It’s a symbolic thing for me.
The day after I was diagnosed they did a full TAC scan, obviously to see if it had spread, and The next day when the results were in I was fretting about opening them, (private medical insurance so long wait for the results).... so I called my little sister who has been through so much shit with this evil thing. She said just open them, it might not be the van of worms that I was fretting about, it will be butterflies... and it was!! So I promised myself that once the next test came back ok that I would have a tattoo done.... I'm reliably informed that it will hurt like billyoh! But after the last year I’m not worried (about that anyway!).... I’ll post a photo
I wish u joy of your butterfly!
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