Im struggling like so many others. I have Triple Negative breast cancer.  Had it twice before, 2015 and 2017, second time mastectomy. It came back middle of last year as bone metastases. 

I had my PET scan Tuesday and was told treatment is working no new hotspots.  I’m having chemo every three weeks, next one will be no. 10. It’s treatable Now not curable.

Im struggling to try to get on with my life and live it to the full while I’m holding my own.  I get so angry and upset. Sudden huge drops in my mood.  I’m angry that I finally start to live my life with my new husband and we have to face this.  I can’t stop planning for him for when I die. Everything to me is timescales.  

Im such a mess. I want to be strong and laugh in its face but I’m breaking.  I was in a 30 year relationship in which I was controlled.  He passed away suddenly In 2015 and then I got cancer.  When I beat it and  It felt like I’d been given  a second chance at life. I felt like a woman again, felt attractive and alive.  I met my husband 18 months after my partner died and I was blessed to share his grandkids and to be normal. Now I’m broken again. I feel such a mess, unattractive, fat useless. Waiting for god so to speak.  All I want is to learn to take each day and forget the past and not think of the future, but I just can’t seem yo be able to.

  • Morning

    Sorry to see you have had no replies as yet at what must be a tough scenario to try and get your head around :-/

    Great to read the chemo is doing it's evil work and keeping things stable, I assume you are also on bone strengthening meds as well - all of which comes with treatment baggage just to add insult to injury.

    Have you thought about any form of counselling to help with your emotional roller coaster ? It is totally normal to have periods of fear, anger and depression but if they are starting to make you feel like you are fighting a losing battle instead of living with cancer you may benefit from some professional help. The way you describe yourself is only the distorted view you see in the mirror; definitely NOT who you are - sounds like you are grieving for losing yourself just as the real you had chance to be free and live again.

    Maybe you would get more replies from ladies with bone mets if you posted this in the Secondary Breast Group you joined as this group is fairly quiet.

    'Yesterday is History - Tomorrow is a Mystery - But Today is a Gift' please don't miss today's sunshine worrying about tomorrows rain.

    Hope this helps if only a little, take care, G n' J

  • Hi Dreamthief

    thank you for replying. I will try secondary as you say xxx 

    I have counselling from the hospice but it’s every two weeks over the telephone. I always feel worse after and am left to try and drag myself back up.   I got up today and that heavy brooding oppressive feelings sitting square on my back and shoulders again. 

    thank you

  • Dear , have just read your post re the counselling 

    If you feel worse after it, then it's doing you no good

    . Can you contact.a Macmillan or Maggie's centre nearby to see what they can offer ? ( Look under In your area on the homepage or ring the helpline 0808 808 0000)

    Hang on in there