Emotional issues

Cancer can be emotionally draining, but sharing your feelings can help you and others in your situation. Talk about it here.

BBC3: Things not to say to someone with cancer

Jessebaby
Posted by

Oh James, I so understand. 

I'm retired and 9 months in remission but so many people, including family seemed to expect me to 'get back to normal' within weeks, and definitely when the obvious visible side effects i.e. hair and nail loss, had gone. 

I felt I couldn't talk about the ongoing emotional ups and downs and damage done by the chemo that appeared after the treatment had ended and are still ongoing. 

The MacMillan forum for my cancer was, and continues to be the best support and information source that keeps me sane!

Linda x

drdspg
Posted by

Yes, many of these are familiar.. For me, the one that has always wound me up the most is.."you shouldn't worry so much I could be run down by a bus tomorrow.." or another one "Don't worry your hair will grow back"..

drdspg

Jessebaby
Posted by

Good for you!

I am so sorry you had to go through, and continue to feel, the grief of losing your partner to such a vicious blood cancer. 

And now you are going through your own life changing experience. 

I found the MacMillan forum for my cancer gives me the most amazing support and advice even now when I am in remission. When I felt low or that my friends and family didn't want to know (it makes some people uncomfortable), the folk on there were brilliant. 

Everyone has a different story and ways of getting through it; but it's so good to talk to people who truly understand. 

Be kind to yourself,

Hugs,

Linda x

Jessebaby
Posted by

OMG -how crass!

Sometimes you have to laugh or you'll cry!

No one wants to be a cancer bore but my goodness there are some thoughtless dumbos out there, fortunately I hope in the minority. 

Keep laughing. 

Linda x

MikeO
Posted by

Jessebaby

Oh this is funny and so true!

My own sister said "now you can forget about it and put it behind you and get on with your life "

This was 5 months after I was told I was in remission. I took it to mean stop talking about it, it's over now and it's boring me!



My brother didn't contact me at all for a year after diagnosis other than two extremely brief emails concerning my mum's health, never mine. When I eventually met him (at a hospital appointment for my mum) he blamed me for the lack of contact and said I never answered my phone and stuck to his position even when I pointed out he could've left a message which he never did, he was actually not telling the truth about trying either because I'm a "1471" obsessive so I'd have known.

 What is a Community Champion?

Metastatic SCC of right medial piriform fossa plus four malignant lymph nodes diagnosed 8th October 2013. Modified radical neck dissection November, thirty-five radiotherapy fractions with 2xCisplatin chemo Jan/Feb 2014.

http://mike-oldfield.blogspot.co.uk/

JayPee
Posted by

I recognised a few of those thoughtless remarks. Like so many others I, too, am supposed to think myself lucky to have the type of cancer I've got.  

mariejane
Posted by

Upon hearing that my cancer had been removed and the lymph nodes were all clear (rectal cancer, 2 weeks post surgery) my husband, when asked how great the news was by a relative said "yes, can get back to normal now like it never happened" ??!!.. 6 months on I am still struggling to get past that and other senseless comments. 

Jessebaby
Posted by

Hi 'champion '. Thanks for the comment. I'm sad for your brother; it seems he struggles to cope with illness even within his own family. Everyone reacts differently I found- my sister seems determined to pick fights with me! We are chalk and cheese unfortunately but that's just how it is- you can pick your friends etc. I refuse to feel any guilt for being different to her. 

Looks like you've been through the mill with your cancer and treatments, I hope you are feeling stronger now. 

Linda x


Jessebaby
Posted by

Oh yes, I'm with you there!

My own son, with the best of intentions, researched Hodgkins Lymphoma and said exactly the same thing! 

No one knows how their cancer will affect them, or if they'll be 'lucky' and get through it ok. And even then I don't think people, especially family, are fully aware of the watch and wait endurance test we go through for the next 5 years. 

Ah well, thank goodness for the MacMillan forums I say!

Linda x

kenp
Posted by

Jazmine - Admin

Hi everyone,

BBC3 have released an interesting video based on things not to say to someone with cancer. I'm posting it here because some of the people involved have had contact with Macmillan services.

(Please visit the site to view this video)

Of all the challenges you might face after a cancer diagnosis, the reactions of those around you might seem low on the list.

Yet for these people it's something they've had to contend with. They take us through some of the comments and questions that they've had to field - from enquiries about their appearance to well-meant pep talks and 'inspirational' stories.

What do you think about this topic? Have you had experience of this?

Jazmine

A brilliant video. I have been fortunate, so far no one has said any of the things in the video in a way to upset me. I'm still waiting for them.

Jessebaby
Posted by

Hate to say it, but men can be useless at coping with the emotional side of dealing with a loved one with cancer. Sounds like he needs to do some reading about dealing with the emotional trauma long after the all clear. The fear is always hiding in the background and you realise you can't trust your own body. Ongoing damage from chemo and radiotherapy can have lasting effects for a lot of people. 

I do hope you are not putting on a brave face to help him feel better. 

It's a shame that the people who could benefit the most from reading the posts on these sites are the ones who tend to do an ostrich impression!

Be kind to yourself. 

Linda x

vonnee
Posted by

Really good, it certainly struck a cord with me. Thanks for sharing.

vonnee

bonbonlarue
Posted by

Oh my...all of the above!! Especially:-

BRAVE: Bravery is consciously throwing yourself on a grenade to save another's life 

WELL, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE SOMETIME: Yes and I don't know when I'm going to die any more than you do.

BUT YOU ALWAYS LOOK SO WELL! That's because I make sure you never see me when I'm ill

..and then there's the people who, on learning you have breast cancer, immediately look at your chest and wonder why you still have a magnificent cleavage  :) (must be lying)

There's so much more but I must think about my blood pressure...... one last thing though, I will inflict violence on the next person who grabs my hands, looks at me sadly with head slightly cocked and promises to pray for me.  As a card carrying, committed, lifelong Atheist, that offends me.

x

Bon

Wake up, still breathing...it's a good day. 

Jessebaby
Posted by

Ha ha!

I absolutely love you. ❤

MikeO
Posted by

Hated being told to "fight it". It's the word that's always dragged out when someone famous dies. They've had a "courageous battle" or a "long fight". For me it wasn't a fight, it's your own body so how do you fight yourself? You endure and you hope and you crawl around on all fours and you just cope as well as you can. Personally I used to spend hours in the bath because it was where I felt most comfortable drifting in and out of consciousness. That was the extent to which I fought.

I've met people who disagree with me completely and that's fine, all in the same boat but all with different stories to tell.

 What is a Community Champion?

Metastatic SCC of right medial piriform fossa plus four malignant lymph nodes diagnosed 8th October 2013. Modified radical neck dissection November, thirty-five radiotherapy fractions with 2xCisplatin chemo Jan/Feb 2014.

http://mike-oldfield.blogspot.co.uk/