I have a clinic appointment later this afternoon and I *think* they should be giving me some CT Scan results. I absolutely HATE going to clinic because I feel like they’re always going to tell me something I don’t want to hear. I feel worried and scared and I hate that I have to wait to be called in. I want to know but at the same time, I don’t want to know.
Ive never been one to shy away from the GP and I won’t sit on symptoms and suffer in silence but I can sympathise so much with people who avoid doctors and would rather just not know. It’s so scary and until they tell you, you can convince yourself that everything will be ok.
My liver surgeon let me know a few weeks ago that there’s only cancer in one half. Because of this, they can hopefully remove that half. I had a CT last week and I just know it’s going to show that it’s now in the other half too which will mean they can’t do the op. I’m having chemo to try and get it under control and I’m also worried that the treatment isn’t working either.
I know keeping positive is important but it’s almost as if I feel better preparing for the worst. I don’t want to be blindsided again. I don’t want the shock and disappointment so preparing for the worst is a way of controlling it.
I know I don’t sound it, but I’m a generally positive person. Days like this though, it’s so hard.
Sorry I didn’t get to this post until now, I hope the scan was ok yesterday?
Just wanted to say that I totally empathise with what you have written. I oscillate so much between preparing for the worst and pretending everything is ok. I really hope things are ok for you.
All the best
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I am so there with you. The we want to know but also do not want to know. I realised quite early on that this is saying well actually we want to know if it is good news and not if it's bad. Sounds fair right?
Whilst waiting for results, I think we also go through every scenario in out heads, from the cherry on the top happy ending to our biggest fear playing out. It really is so emotional draining for us.
No matter what the results, the fabulous one, or the not so fabulous one, you will be on course to deal with either scenario. You will be given the options to deal with the scenario that they put before you. It does help. I probably had my worst appointment with my biggest fear playing out yesterday. But to hear they are doing X Y Z and then they can decide on plan A B C was easier than the actually thought of it as there was options.
You don't have to sound positive all the time I promise. We are allowed to go well SH*t I and having a major wobble today and do you know what I am allowed. It frigging hard standing in my shoes right now. Allow yourself to work through the emotions, reach out for support too when you need it too.
I hope that the appointment yesterday was better than you imagined, but if not you are activating a new plan.
There are no perfect people, only perfect intentions
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