Heartbreaking news today

FormerMember
FormerMember
  • 8 replies
  • 45 subscribers
  • 2853 views

Hi all

I am not really one for sharing how I’m feeling, I put a brave face on and just get on with looking after everyone else and making sure everyone is ok but I don’t know if I can just now so I decided to post here so I am sorry in advance if this turns into a rant and me feeling sorry for myself. 

my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer almost exactly a year ago. I have spoken to a few people in the pancreatic cancer group and that helped at the time then I just got on with the practicalities of everything (which I have to do from a far as we live 400 miles apart - Scotland and England). 

Today dad saw his specialist (I couldn’t be there because of lockdown). I found out this evening that he was told despite what we believed was successful surgery last year and then 6 months chemo the cancer is back and it’s aggressive. 
we are hoping he can have palliative chemo and specialist said it could extend his life up to 1 year but we don’t know if he can have it yet and without it he only has a few months.

He’s only 64 years old (65th birthday next week) and a little over a year ago he was working as a self employed builder, he was fit, healthy and active then the cancer struck and took that man away. He became a shell of himself; he lost weight and had no appetite even for things that he used to love (like cake!), he became isolated and slipped into an understandable depression. 
he coped with chemo really well and was very lucky to not have many side effects with it. He got his appetite back and started walking again (he loves walking despite having chronic arthritis). 

The last few weeks I saw a change in him again, his appetite reduced and he stopped being able to even go for a short walk. 
Today I feel like my heart has been ripped out! I’m going to have to say goodbye to my beloved dad and I can’t even begin to think about it. 

i am totally broken but I know I have to be strong for him. 

sorry it’s a long feeling sorry for myself rant, I just needed to get it out! 

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember
    [deleted]
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Thank you. 

    Im sorry to hear you’re suffering too! Hugs back to you!! 

  • Hi ,  please don't think you're ranting; you're hurting and your feelings are perfectly normal. It's dreadful watching a loved one suffer and go downhill and we all need somewhere to go to let it out. Enjoy gentle hugs with him now and it will give you something beautiful to look back to. I'm so grateful for the last hug I shared with my dad. Your dad knows he's loved and that counts for so very much.

    Big hugs,

    LoobyLou
    If you find dust in my house, write your name in it. When the signatures overlap I'll get the polish. 

    Click here to see how to add details to your profile. It helps everyone to see a little about you

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to LoobyLou49

    Thank you for your kind words! 

    I feel so guilty that I’m not with him and can’t hug him because I’m so far away but we talk every day and I’m going to see him soon, I don’t think I’ll be able to let go of him when I hug him!! I just feel so broken and lost but at the same time feel like I have to be the strong one! 

    I feel like I want to stamp my feet and scream it’s not fair! He’s not even old! And selfishly I’m going to have to say goodbye to my dad and I’m only 30. 

    it’s so hard but your words do help so thank you! XX 

  • Hi , I feel for you. I was 31 when my mum died and I understand how hard it is. I was away too and unable to give her that last hug I was so grateful to share with my dad. I hope you get to see him soon; losing a parent so young is harsh.

    Thinking of you,

    LoobyLou
    If you find dust in my house, write your name in it. When the signatures overlap I'll get the polish. 

    Click here to see how to add details to your profile. It helps everyone to see a little about you

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to LoobyLou49

    Thank you LoobyLou! 

    I am hoping that I can be with him at the end (that’s my plan). I’m just clinging onto the hope that he can have the palliative chemo and his life will be extended a bit more. We’ve said that if he’s well enough he’s going to come and stay with us for a week or so. 
    He was a builder and renovated our house, it hit me yesterday that he’s never going to see it again. We’re having a new floor fitted in the kitchen and last night I sat and sobbed because he may never see it other than in pictures! 

    thank you for replying to me! Xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Just sending hugs.

    This lockdown has made supporting loved ones so hard - no amount of facetime can replace a hug.

    But they understand and you'll hopefully get some quality time soon.

    Please never feel bad that you're feeling sorry for yourself, you're just feeling love and you will be strong

    Love Mairi

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Thank you so much Mairi xx