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Looking after a loved one with cancer? This is a safe and supportive place to share your worries and emotions. Please remember when posting that this group is for Carers only.

Caregiver Depression

Lifes4living
Posted by

Hi.. my husband has also been diagnosed with Lung Cancer stage 4 and he’s been having 3 week cycles of chemo and immunotherapy. On his first scan it was good news as there was no disease progression and he didn’t have too many side affects. What I’m struggling with is living with hope whilst also preparing myself for a life without him. It’s so hard having to get your affairs in order when he’s still very much here. We’re now waiting to see if my husband can have treatment again next week. He has terrible pain in his shoulder and doctors have increased his morphine. This has added to his fatigue, he’s often so low and depressed and picking at the slightest thing.., worried sick if there’s a sticky mark on the side he’ll catch a virus from it. Sometimes I flip because I feel he’s being over cautious but then he’s bound to be frightened as a virus could be life threatening to him. To cope I have found myself distancing myself from him when he’s angry or upset. This is my way of dealing with things. I’m trying to make use of the time he’s resting catching up with close friends and yoga. It’s hard coz we so close and always did things together. Sometimes I feel guilty doing these things. I won’t jog coz we used to jog together. I’m starting counselling soon hope this helps. Hope meditation helps you Issy40. All the best with your husbands scan results. X

Lily23
Posted by

Hi Issy,

My husband too has lung cancer; he was on immunotherapy but at the last scan, we were told it was not working and there were more tumours on the lungs! So he will be starting chemo next week! 

I do find meditation helps to get me centred for a while but I do fall back into fear and anxiety about the future!  I intend keeping up meditation and praying! 

It is so hard isn't it to see your husband suffering and not knowing what the future holds? I also am aware that although friends and relatives are there for me, they do not understand how I feel as they are not carling for a loved one with cancer!

I pray that your husband's scan results are good and the treatment is working!

If you need to chat, please email me back!

Lily

Akela2516
Posted by

Hi ladies, my husband has stage 4 lung cancer! Awaiting treatments not sure what yet! We have been given hopes that immunotherapy is the gold star now if he is suitable! I can not arrange his first oncology appointment to be there as I am in a new job and they won’t give me a weeks notice to book a day off! Communication is poor and I have so many questions that I can not get answers for! I have just rang pals to an oh dear but I can not complain, my husband has to! He won’t because he is scared too! Initially he had two xrays which missed the tumour clearly seen two weeks later from an unrelated admission, only a side effect of a new tablet revealed this! I am so angry with the attitudes we have received with the exception of one specialist nurse and I have frankly lost total confidence in the hospital which I trained in!! I am incredibly stressed and not supported! He is I denial. I am not sure I even want to see him suffer treatment with an inevitable death! I would rather he had quality of life for a few months by a miserable year! Is that wrong? 

Niobe
Posted by

Dear Iola

I know just how you are feeling. We/ he has been on the cancer train for five years now, and it just seems like a never ending journey which gets worse and worse.

in the last couple of months, my husband has also become extremely angry and bad tempered, to the point where I sometimes wish I could just walk out of the house and never come back. Every little thing which goes wrong somehow seems to be my fault, even when (for example , someone beats him to a parking space) it cannot possibly be. Even if I am not directly blamed, the rage and frustration in the room is ghastly. The raised voice, the looks of hatred, the unkind words.....its just awful. His discourse at meals is always of how incompetent or stupid other people and institutions are. Nothing is right.

I thought we were coping pretty well until recently. I can honestly say that I have never, ever, expressed any disappointment or resentment at the curtailment of our previous pleasures  or activities that his condition has entailed. I'm not saying this as a badge of virtue, just that I have tried to avoid any triggers that would make him feel sad or guilty. Quite often I pretend that the reason we cannot do something, for example, go and see someone is because I am not up to it. I would have said that his perseverance and determination were a source of real admiration to me.

 I am getting to the end of some sort of tether at the moment. I don't want to live luxuriously, I don't expect sunshine and flowers all the way, but I don't think I have deserved this constant carping  , nagging criticism and the explosions of rage and hatred. It's not resentment that I feel,  it's fear. Sometimes I just wish I could not wake up to another day of trepidation and sorrow.

theres no use trying to talk to him about it,,or suggesting that he talks to anyone else. As far as he is concerned, he is above criticism, he has just had the misfortune to be saddled with a stupid , incompetent  possibly malicious waste of space. So I don't have any advice, I'm afraid, but I hope it helps to know that you are not having some hideous extraordinary experience, and that everyone else is walking off into the rainbow, loving and together in spite of everything.

Needing friends
Posted by

Hi there, I know exactly how you feel, the looks of hatred and the all or nothing stand. If he can't do exactly what he wants then he won't do anything. He wants to go on holiday but doesn't lift a finger in the house and has me running around. I do understand it must be hell for him, but we have feelings too. Over the last couple of weeks though things have improved a little as he gets weaker, he has cuddled me at night whereas before I couldn't go near him in case I touched his bloated and uncomfortable stomach. He has even said he appreciates everything I do. I hope you also get moments of affection and appreciation in the near future. Stay strong and know that you are not to blame xxx

Needing friends
Posted by

Hi there, I know exactly how you feel, the looks of hatred and the all or nothing stand. If he can't do exactly what he wants then he won't do anything. He wants to go on holiday but doesn't lift a finger in the house and has me running around. I do understand it must be hell for him, but we have feelings too. Over the last couple of weeks though things have improved a little as he gets weaker, he has cuddled me at night whereas before I couldn't go near him in case I touched his bloated and uncomfortable stomach. He has even said he appreciates everything I do. I hope you also get moments of affection and appreciation in the near future. Stay strong and know that you are not to blame xxx

Cyprusfan
Posted by

Hi Niobe

I am getting this from my 25 year old son  its constant criticism bickering and kinder I am to him worse I get it back. Its killing me 

Xx

ja32
Posted by

It's all part of it im afraid. Me and dad argue daily. The truth is you can't do anything to change it. Just be happy knowing your doing your best that's all you can do, and after a tiny bit of time all others around will realize that. Just roll with the punches do your best. When im at one of my lowest points I think of those kids you see on TV that are full time carers at 9,10,11,12 years old. Then I think, fuck how the hell do they cope. Your son is just angry that you can't cure or do anything to change the situation. He will see you as mum the person in his life that can sort out and do anything and make things better. it seems to me he's scared and doesn't fully understand the impossible situation your in. I also remind myself how would I feel if I was dying!. Try to be happy you have a son and happy for the tiny things in life you may have. All I have now is my dad that is dying, in my eyes he can do and say what ever the fuck he wants after all he's dying. What also works for me is punching the doors, when I get a good punch in and take the door down in one or punch straight through it in one it's instant relief. Not very lady like for you but who knows may work for you. it's only a door not a person. Then you can go out buy another takes your mind of things. What im trying to say I suppose is DON'T bottle up your anger. Have a word with your son be honest and frank straight to the point. Find a way to vent your anger. Be strong before you know it sadly it will all be over and then you would give anything to be with them for just 5 minutes.

Be strong.

Rooster
Posted by

Oh I understand the rage, the blame, the constant criticism. I too had thoughts of suicide at times, however I often think if he dies then the mental torment is over. Then I feel like utter shit for almost wishing death on him. 

We are human and the diagnosis, treatment, side effects are life changing. During treatment hes lovely and we are close however he has now been diagnosed with depression and refusing medication. This feels never ending but the end will come.

Reach out to your friends, your family, caring is often a burden and one you shouldn't shoulder alone. 

If he wasn't unwell, I'd leave but it's the cancer that's caused the changes. The man I fell in love with has changed but so have I.

Have counselling on your own, you are important, you are loved. 

Issy40
Posted by

So sorry to hear you are having a bad time .. I could literally weite similar regarding my husbands anger . Like you say angry at me it feels in the mau. But also like you say to drivers when out and about .

try and talk with your friends and tell it like it really is you can always say you u sweated why he is doing it by then at least they maybe able to help try and support you more .

keeping quiet won’t help you deal with it. Please message if u want. Chat. Ps my husband has stage 4 lung cancer 

Cyprusfan
Posted by

It's awful. My 25 year old son seems to take it out on me. The sarcasm the sniping.  The nicer kinder I am the worse I get it. 

Hope things improve for you 

Hayley

ja32
Posted by
[deleted]
Cyprusfan
Posted by

Hi 

I didn't make it clear it's my son who has it not husband.  He was diagnosed 25 August with Acute lymphoblastic leukaemia.  Graduated July then this shit 4 weeks later. 

Bone marrow transplant on the cards. 

Think I may be on the wrong thread 

Hayley x

ja32
Posted by
[deleted]
Cyprusfan
Posted by

We all go through it...patient/carer it's all shit to be honest