Caregiver Depression

Hi and welcome to the community though sorry to hear about what you are going through.

Caring is often tricky and in many cases it seems the carer can suffer more problems than the person with the cancer. I ended up doing a living with less stress course with Maggies. Perhaps the best for me was the realisation of living more in the here and now and appreciating what we have rather than living in that dark future that is likely to be much worse than reality. Concious breathing exercises were great for dealing with the unexpected but also for relaxation. The transcendental bits did not work really well for me.

It is worth remembering though that all the histories etc are based on averages and survival stats are based on historic data rather than the latest treatment and so it is not always helpful to look at that rather than looking at your partner.

You might find some of the information on I'm looking after someone with cancer,and most importantly of all look after yourself.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi Ellisael, my husband was diagnosed with incurable prostate cancer 5 years ago. Yes it has been difficult we don't get lessons on how to care for and support someone with cancer. I just do the best I can. We talk to each other honestly about what's happening,  yes I feel sad, fearful, guilty,  angry and a whole load of other things! I try to take one day at a time.  Hope you are feeling less sad today. 

The honesty bit makes so much sense and takes away much of the weight in the air ( that comes from dishonest communication, even if it is for not burdening the other). Thank you for your supportive message elephant222

Hi, Steve, what you have said makes so much sense and i am very thankful for such a supportive community here. I will definitely look at the course and also the thread that you have mentioned here. 

hi, elephant222. my dad as advanced prostate cancer. hope you don't mind me asking but how advanced is his? my dads is in many bones some lympnodes, and lower spine. do you know what his highest PSA level got to?. many thanks. oh im also the only one left to care for him, so I know all the emotions your going through. sadly that's part of it for me that I struggle with. every emotion everyday. thanks for your time.

cheers, ja32

Hi ja32, I'm sorry to hear about your dad this reallyis a rotten ilness. My husband has a rare type of prostate cancer in which the PSA is not an indicator of how advanced the cancer is.  His PSA reading has never been above 3 however his gleason score is 10. The cancer has spread to lymph nodes and both lungs and his prognosis is now just a few months. Yes it is difficult to deal with but I try to stay positive and take each day as it comes. 

Thanks for your reply means so much. Be strong,be there for him. 

BIG THANKS, ELEPHANT222.

My brother in law was diagnosed with prostate cancer 5 years ago, as with your husband his PSA level was really low .For the last few weeks he has had pain in his lower back and the top of his rib cage, he has been told it’s cancer but the drs cannot decide if it’s spread from his prostate or a new cancer that has formed . He is due to have a CT scan this week so they can decide what if any treatment will be needed. My sister is devastated, her daughter was diagnosed with terminal cancer in March this year , she had rectal cancer about 4 years ago which we thought had been successfully treated . It has returned with a vengeance, cancer is so cruel. 

Hi,

My husband was diagnosed with colon cancer almost 7 years ago. At the time of diagnosis it had already metastasized to the liver and the lungs. Over the course of the first three years he underwent several operations and rounds of chemotherapy (colon resection and 5 liver resections). The last liver resection was open and given the problems at that time it was decided that further surgery wasn't advised. Since then he has continually been on chemotherapy and for two years also a biological therapy. He has run through all listed options and the cancer is growing both in the liver and elsewhere. He has recently has SIRT where radioactive beads are inserted through an artery and lodged near to the tumours in the liver. He is now hoping to go on a clinical trial ... it is a pretty broadbased one looking primarily to identify the best tolerated dose of a new drug. It is not specific to any cancer. I am exhausted and overwhelmed by the relentless searching for a cure and dealing with the ever increasing side effects from years of chemotherapy. My husband is constantly angry ... mostly with me but small issues when he is driving  for instance can cause him to lose it with others. It is very usual for him to shout at me to 'fuck off' or 'shut up' if I disagree with him about something or he doesn't like my opinion. He occasionally does this in front of others and I am mortified. Everyone makes allowances for him including our grown up children. If they have to stay over for a day or two they see how it is though and end up very upset with him. I have stopped caring now which is awful. I have recently retired and I am around the home more and this makes it worse. I stopped going to his oncologist's with him because he got angry (afterwards) if I said anything or answered questions in a truthful way that were asked of me. He won't consider us going to have counselling ... he says I will get them on my side. I suggest we go separately but he said it isn't for him. He is under private oncology care and although he frequently sees his oncologist they never discuss how he is doing generally and I think he must downplay all his symptoms and they certainly never touch on how he is doing psychologically. I swing from feeling guilty about not coping to wanting to walk away and never look back. Sometimes I imagine drowning and it seems peaceful and relaxing. This is the first time in my life that I have had suicidal thoughts. My friends are very lovely and I am very lucky to have them but I would feel disloyal talking candidly about how my husband and I are really doing. I sometimes touch on the issues lightly and they say they can see how it is for me.  

Has anyone else experienced this issue with anger.

Please ring the Macmillian helpline .I think you have endured all you can and its time you were given some support .Also  the Samaritans they are brilliant non judgemental people .Everyone has their breaking point and I feel you have reached yours .Can anyone stay with your husband so you could get away for a few days time apart can sometimes do wonders for both parties .You have taken the first step by posting on here  We have all had problems with anger and frusration and the endless rounds of scans surgery radiotherapy and chemo .It takes its toll on everyone. But we carers are important too sometimes I feel guilty for all my poor Bill has had to endure but I do recognise that I have to live a life too .Its not easy but please seek help you dont deserve this life and there will be people to help you cope with this .Let us know how you get on and keep posting lots of hugs xz