Carers only

Looking after a loved one with cancer? This is a safe and supportive place to share your worries and emotions. Please remember when posting that this group is for Carers only.

struggle & i feel so bad about it

Mandzz
Posted by

hi, 

i so so guilty for even thinking this let alone writing..

so my partner has been given the palliative chemo pathway, treatment to be reviewed after 4 cycles, as he has primary rectal/ liver/ lung cancers.

the drs have advised him to keep on top of the pain by managing as it escalates not when it has reached unbearable, he will not take med as directed, ive spoken to him about pain management & also what the drs/ nurses said etc.. to no avail, he has always hated taking any sort of medication. so i am now in the situation of having to hear him scream in pain every time he goes to toilet & for the next 2 hours not being able to move. i have spoken the medical teams myself but they can only offer so much help. he os refusing to leave the house, wash, change clothes or generally look after himself in any way. i feel like screaming, i know this is a terrible time for him,but have any other cares experienced anything similar, 

im sorry if i sound uncariung, but can assure all i am trying my very best :)))))

NellieJ
Posted by

Hello - really sorry to hear this, and how difficult for you. Witnessing and not being able to steer someone to something that might help must be frustrating.   I can only speak from my own experience   -   I had to wait for a few weeks till my partner accepted that he needed oromorph or some morphine based pain control regularly.  The more people pushed, the more he got cross.  He tried managing with just paracetamol and like your person, did not like taking meds.  I had to just sit by and wait for him to come to the decision to accept he needed to manage something, and then to step right back and not stick my oar in and even not mention it. .   I resorted to listening to the radio on ear phones to try and block things out a bit. Feel for you and the frustration.  Sometimes doing nothing and saying nothing feels like the most difficult thing to do, but was the best thing I did for him.  He did come round and now juggles a lot of meds.   I think he needed time to resist and get angry and then get through that to take control of the meds himself on his terms. Even now I have to act disinterested in the huge pile of meds and only mention things if he does.   Maybe that is respectful - his cancer, his pain, his control, - I can be helpful in other ways. 

Good luck 

Bigbayboy
Posted by

It's a very frustrating situation to be in. After all  the chemo, radiotherapy and surgery what is the problem  with taking some paracetamol I asked  my partner - don't like taking pills  he said. There's no point pushing but I did tell him not to expect any sympathy if he wouldnt  help himself and I didn't say any more on subject. He finally  caved in as things worsened . Doesn't  make it any easier for us carers but I suppose  it's a control thing. Take care and look after yourselves 

Just keep  going
Needing friends
Posted by

Hi there, I can so relate to your problem as it almost mirrors mine with my partner. He is not in the same amount of pain as yours but he moans and groans and leans over the bed like a woman in labour. Yet he insists he is not in pain. I have a worktop full of discarded medication which I won't return as yet because I think may be he will eventually accept them and then with doctors permission they can be used. It's a trial to get him to wash and he insists on tracksuit bottoms so have purchased more to try and make him feel and look a little better.  I guess we just soldier on x