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Looking after a loved one with cancer? This is a safe and supportive place to share your worries and emotions. Please remember when posting that this group is for Carers only.

my wife who has cancer just abuses me

Posted by

my wife has had breast cancer for 9 years now. she is now stage 4 and has bone and liver mets. she is in bad place. 

In the last 2 months (although this been happening for many years now) my wife has become manic  and abusive as her condition has deteriorated - and very nasty to me - especially to others.  

For example yesterday i asked her an innocent question  'are you going to get those nice new chairs out today - they look really nice?' And she says I'm bullying her and that I'm angry when I'm patently not. I tread on egg shells most days trying to screen what i say so she doesn't get anxious and upset. 

When she gets anxious and upset she rings her family and friends and slates me saying I don't care and I'm not supportive. The opposite is true - I'm the one who goes to all the appts (not all her so called riends who send her one second txts saying 'love you. thinking of you' etc)  , hugs her everyday and supports her, cooks, cleans, pays all the bills. But it's not enough it seems. I'm the one closest to hand and whatever I do it's not never seen as supportive enough. 

I am strong on being fair in a marriage and in life - and I have to bite my tongue everyday as she berates me to her family - as if I'm the devil. She only remembers the 0.1% things I haven't done over the last 9 years - the one oncology appt I missed as I had to attend a meeting, the glass of water she asked for once and I forgot to bring it as I was so tired. I've seen the phrase 'cancer bully' - and I think this depicts what is happening - nothing matters but her and her next scan etc 

I feel like she is taking her anger and upset and mirroring onto me. She feels its totally justified. It's tearing me apart - as i feel like she can say what she likes and be as abusive as she likes - but I can't say anything back. I worry that her family is very influenced by her rantings and feel very upset that it's basically a pack of lies. I don't know what to do....does anyone have similar experiences / tips on coping   


Needing friends
Posted by

Hi there, sorry you are going through everything. Most of us I am sure have had hurtful comments from those we care for but yours appears ongoing and daily. We were in my partners doctors this morning and she asked how I was coping with being a carer. She gave me the number ofCISS, cancer information and support  services. I don't know if they could help you or if they operate nationwide, obviously mc millman are hugely supportive. I don't know if you can have time for yourself, you need it just to recharge. With such pressure our skins are paper thin which is why you worry that family and friends will believe her tales. These are things you need to be able to talk about to someone for your own peace of mind. You are doing the best you can in hugely difficult times. Be proud of what you do, but please look into getting some help to get some perspective on things, best wishes, pam