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Getting Married

Mew29
Posted by

My partner and I have been together for 28years but we don't live together..which is probably why we still a couple. He has stage 4 colorectal cancer.  He's had chemo since November but that is now not working so well so he'll start a new type soon. In view of what lies ahead I want us to get married. I have power of attorney but want to be part of his family not just a 'friend'. My partner get anxious easily and doesn't cope well with change...think Sheldon and Amy and you've got us. We would still live in our own homes once married. I'm ok with registry office and no fuss. I gave up on the girly dream of a proper wedding years ago. Has anyone done the same? Anyone any advice, tips? 

Sunflowers15
Posted by

Hi Mews29, myself and now husband got married last year after been together for 26 years, since teenagers. We however have lived with each other the large majority of the time however I do see how been together and living apart has its appeals! We have three children together. I did not want a fuss, we had a very small ceremony in the registry office but in what was called a ceremony room which was much nicer, more decorative and very spacious. However as there was only 9 people there in total including myself and now husband they arranged the chairs in a lovely semi circle creating a more intimate ceremony. My husband is incurable and at that time very ill and frail as was inbetween treatments so chairs were provided for us also and we stood to make our vows. We told no other family members or friends that we were getting married until after we had done it. Yes some were offended but the people we really wanted there were there and after 26 years together and going through what we have and continue to do so I think we have earned the right to be selfish and do what we wanted. My advice would be keep it simple and good luck x

Mew29
Posted by

Thank you Sunflowers15. We'd definitely keep it small. X

NellieJ
Posted by

Hello Mew29. My partner and I of 18 years had our own places and, like you think that is what worked. I owned my house and was with me part of the week with his own place which was a boat a couple of days per week or whatever.  Cancer changed that. The treatment was quite brutal and he moved in full time when the terminal diagnosis was given and likely not to live for 2 years. .  Difficulty from us not really being domestically compatible and cancer does not explain why he is incapable of tidying up or putting something down so it can be found again.  Quite tough to be cross with someone facing death in the face.   Married in registry office and making things legal and tidy for decision making.    I would not have got married if not for the illness, so he finds it hysterically funny to call me Wife. Hmm. 

Mew29
Posted by

Thank you, NellieJ.

I know what you mean about being domestically incompatible  He's been with me more at times when he feels unwell and like you I tred lightly around someone with an unpredictable amount of time left but it would be nice to be officially family.

Sweetju
Posted by

Bless you x My partner and I are much the same as you however we have already agreed should one of us become terminally ill we would get married. A registry office wedding is usually in a lovely setting but you coukd marry in a place that is ordained. My nephew for instance got married in Sherwood Forest. Only big enough for 50 guests but they had a wonderful day. 

Hope he has agreed and you can get something sorted asap. You should be able to get a special licence  x 

Mew29
Posted by

Thank you, Sweetju.

I like the idea of a special place but think the easier it is for him the more likely As my brother said "youve done so much for him he should do this for you." Its awful to have to think of such things but we have to face reality. Its not about finances, it's about being officially family.

NellieJ
Posted by

I think being officially family can be important. I have, unfortunately seen situations where extended and first families have different views on what is important and making decisions  -  there can be conflict.  Having a marital status may help avoid or reduce this. A very sad situation was a friend of mine who was in a same sex relationship which was not acknowledged by the biological family of her partner. Next of kin status was with the biological family and the partner was excluded from decision making during and after death. Difficult enough loosing a partner without being excluded.  

I believe you said you have Power of Attorney and this does sound a good thing.  I hope you and your partner can plan an event that feels right for you all and that being family will draw you all closer together. 

Mew29
Posted by

Thank you, NellieJ

Mew29
Posted by

He got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I sobbed my heart out that night. Thinking he's asked me because he's dying. I've booked the appointments for each of us to give notification of marriage. We don't have a date for the wedding yet. I sobbed again from the stress of all the burocracy I had to fight through to get that far. And the Ed Sheeran started to sing....well that set me off. 

Needing friends
Posted by

Hi there, I can well understand how emotional and exhausted you must feel. Personally, when things overwhelm me I try not to overthink, I guess it's me trying to protect myself. I hope that you can get all the tedious business out of the way soon so you can concentrate on making the wedding the day that you both want. Wishing you all good things xxxx

Mew29
Posted by

Thank you Needing Friends. With eveythi g else that's going on it does get overwhelming at times. 

NellieJ
Posted by

For me it was very bitter sweet. I proposed to him immediately after he was given the terminal diagnosis. He had wanted that for years and it was my gift because he was told he was dying.  He has not minded that it was the cancer that prompted me.   The terminal tag focused the mind on what was important and honouring our relationship legally and then publicly with a few friends and a giant bar bill was something I treasure.  I wouldn't have done it without the cancer but am glad that I did. I hope you manage to make an arrangement that suits you both and does not become another stress on top of what you are both already dealing with.  From your posts earlier, it sounds like you have a long and strong relationship and I send you my best wishes. 

Mew29
Posted by

Thank you,  NellieJ.

Things seem to be falling into place. Its not the wedding I would have planned had he proposed years ago but making our love and long term relationship legal in the eyes of the law us important. I am also so pleased to officially become  part of his family. 

Thank you all for your kind thougts

Sunflowers15
Posted by

Congratulations Mew29, I wish you all the best for the big day x