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Looking after a loved one with cancer? This is a safe and supportive place to share your worries and emotions. Please remember when posting that this group is for Carers only.

Marriage falling apart - Husband won't talk about feelings!

Rags63
Posted by

So he has come home to a tidy home/been told I am a tramp/house untidy yet spotless - what the heck?!!! Do you know what - enough is kind of enough now/cancer is cancer/been there every step of way, have  fought tooth and nail from very first day he was diagnosed /screamed and cried for him to jump queue for blood test after that momentous first day of being told.  Cried and demanded care fighting his corner whilst in hospital/he caught MRSA and bathed/dried him in cell room every day/stayed till nearly midnight most nights and had to run through dark creepy car park on my own/discharged him out of hospital two stone underweight after 5 weeks and gradually got him back to full weight within a month with SOoo much TLC!! Found products to help him to regain hair loss but blah!!!

I AM DONE!!!! I can't take it anymore!!!!xx

Granny Sue
Posted by

Can you spend a few days apart .Its obvious you both need some space to work things out and its not necessarily the end for your relationship sometimes people just need to work out what they want. The trouble is that when you become a carer its difficult to be a wife and with the best will in the world at times of stress people always lash out  at the person closest to them. Having said that no one is put in earth to be an emotional punchbag. I feel the toxic atmosphere you describe is not good for your well being and yoi need a break from it .Hope you find the strength and courage to make the best decision for your future happiness all the best .xx

Granny Sue

Rags63
Posted by

Thank you so much  - but we have done that for odd weekend, but probably not long enough apart to make a difference/not practical for work etc! I sadly feel it's end of road for us!  I Soo wanted it to work and I do feel he will regret it long term as we used to be so good together pre-cancer! Got married last January after 5 years together (both in our mid-50's with 3 kids each/new marriages) and since May = cancer! He honestly couldn't have been loved or cared for any more than I did! I am trying SOO damn hard not to cry in front of him as I think it another control part of him / I just don't know anymore/I feel so trod down and I just want US back!!! I know it not my fault after counseling but just so blooming hard to take this person I don't know anymore who is Sooo horrible/critical of me all the time!!!! Am trying to cut off as said until 11th July!!! Deep deep breaths and stop the crying!!! Be strong GULP!!!!

Granny Sue
Posted by

We wont get back to where we were but we just have to make the best of a bad situation .Has he said why he wants to end your marriage ? Most times all this can be about fear anxiety and loss of male pride .However you can do nothing about that if you have given all you can then its just a question of endurance until the issues resolve themselves . Nothing lasts forever and if you dont think about next week next month but just get through each hour each day and just go out for a walk or a drive or coffee with a friend .Just live your life if he dosent want to join in then thats his problem not yours .You must just keep going its hard and not always possible to be positive but just do what you can and you will get through it lots of hugs xx

Granny Sue

Rags63
Posted by

You are Soo  right!!  Yes said wants to end marriage - I am a bully for asking him not to snore/a tramp( house is pristine)  but so be it/I can't do anymore!  As I said, I get the anxiety and have been there 24/7 for him and will be there again for him on 11th July. I will just have to accept everything he dishes out to me until 11/7 and go from there.  Thank you - nothing does last forever and I have to keep thinking of each day at a time but it just Sooo hard taking the verbal abuse/cooking separate dinners etc. Our lives have changed so much since bowel cancer diagnosis/operation/bad chemo reaction last year!  I love him so much and given him everything, but just feel so emotionally battered and my mental well being all time low/plus going through menopause yuck (though that has been thrown at me also). Keeping strong until 11th July for results!  Thanks for being there to vent to!!!!  Cyber hugs xx

Polly62
Posted by

Rags63

I'm so sorry that your situation has escalated like this.  Just keep talking to us.  We're hear to listen and support you.

I totally understand you.  Quotes: "Nothing is right, you do nothing for me, you do nothing to help, I cant eat this, this isn't tidy" … the list goes on.  He's not the person I used to know.  I understand his fear, frustration and anger because of what he has been through and what the future may hold.  I've been there since day 1 and I've tried to support him in any way I can.  But he just isn't the same person.

There have been times when I've seriously considered walking away. I don't want to, but on dark days its a thought I consider to protect myself. Its true though, they lash out at the people who are closest and they try to control the things they still can.

I sincerely hope that your OH's appointment on 11/7 goes well and things calm down.  Its always a waiting game! 

After thinking about it and the conversations (I think it was Granny Sue) it made me realise that I actually break my day into 3 parts - morning, afternoon and evening.  As its unpredictable, I enjoy each section of the day that is good.  The bad parts I try and go out, do something for me, or just something like cleaning the windows!!  Does this make sense??  I suppose they're all distractions to put my mind somewhere else.

Keep talking and my thoughts are with you.

Polly 62
Lyn327
Posted by

I am sending you big hugs - I feel where you are coming from!

Reading your post was like reading what my life has become. Like you, so much energy has been put into getting everything my husband needed. Making sure everything was in place, juggling work, family to try and make sure he has everything. Its exhausting.

I am now the carer, the one who does everything, and the one who receives the backlash / verbal abuse because he is angry about having this awful disease. I feel cheated and robbed of the life we thought we would have and what could have been just as he does but the other day I was told that he is the only one affected by this. No impact on me whatsoever!

I wish I could offer words of wisdom, some kind of answer, but the only thing that I have found helps is to talk, let it out, the rants, the screams, the unfairness of it all xx

lisagrez
Posted by

Hi, my husband has stage 4 lung cancer and he is very angry. He has nothing nice to say to me at all, even though I'm running myself into the ground. All the nurses think he is lovely though!! 

So I tend to keep quiet and put up with it.... I read your post and thought .. good for you speaking out, I will from now on.

Polly62
Posted by

Hi lisagrez. I'm sorry to hear about your husband.

As you've seen, we all seem to have similar experiences with our other halves (OH). It saddens me that a lot of us have been trying to cope in silence. I had a melt down and contacted Macmillan in desparation. They were brilliant just listening to me and suggested I read and chatted to other people in similar circumstances here.  I'm so glad I did. I've been so isolated and this is a great place to speak out and share.

Sometimes family and friends just don't "get it" and what you're going through - as well as your husband. It seems that OHs can be absolute sweeties to others outside the house, but at home their frustration, fear and anger is channelled at those that are closest. It's so hard. I honestly don't recognise the person my husband has become sometimes.

It hurts so much when you've supported an OH, done everything you can for them through thick and thin, only to be met with very harsh comment, anger, criticism. I'm scared too!

Keep talking and speaking out. It's been a revelation to me, and helped me so much.

Polly 62
Rags63
Posted by

Hi everyone and welcome Lisagrez,  Everyone is so lovely here and is so good that we can vent our innermost feelings without being judged re what we are going through with our OH's!!

We are still not talking yet again after very gently asking him to turn over as snoring for over an hour and ear plugs doing nothing!  I actually was Soo cautious and asked him so nicely as walking on eggshells over everything and, as said, told me in no uncertain terms to shut up (in non polite terms).  In morning was  told I am an absolute bully and was sent text at work that marriage is over!!

We are not talking at all, even more irritating is that he is constantly humming to himself in a kind of happy mood as if nothing is wrong at all.  I sent a text as I was leaving from work tonigh to say do you want to go out tonight or tomorrow night just to talk away from the house,  No response and he has returned from work in silence (except humming in happy mood) not acknowledging me at all.

So blooming hurtful - roll on 11th July to put me out of misery once and for all!! I honestly can't take much more of this.  We had belated honeymoon booked for August and even that had to be cancelled due to building works.  It is actually a year ago exactly today that he had his bowel cancer surgery - and SOooo the nightmare began!!!

Trying to stay strong and keep thinking once results are good he will zap back.  Why can't men talk instead of torturing us?!!!

Thanks Granny Sue for words of wisdom and talking does help. Thank you everyone for just being there!!!

Cyber hugs xx

gina_46uk
Posted by

 My husband is just the same he has  asbestos Lung cancer  ( mesothelioma).only found out February this year,  He is angry with me and the boys  nothing I’m do is right his nurses think is a funny man  if only they knew what it was like living with him , The only trouble is I’ve got breast cancer and I had it  since last year still having radiotherapy now so I’m tired I’ve had to have my eldest son  living with me to help me out with me and my husband  The only trouble is he  is  not my husband son so they don’t get on but I don’t care , he is staying , it’s a nightmare every day I could cry  .... 

Polly62
Posted by

Hi everyone!  I went quiet again …… OH has been really poorly.  They "think" he was fighting some sort of infection, but its still unclear as to what it is.  He stopped eating and was living on Complan.  It's just been awful to watch.  The verbal aggression towards me has been bad, the arguments, and him looking at me as though - well - like i'm something brought in on the bottom of his shoe!  Fortunately he does seem a bit better in the last few days and has started eating very small amounts of food again.  I'm just nearly past myself again - and I went quiet.  That's obviously what I do.  So, I thought I'd get back on here and pour some stuff out.

I could scream - I feel like banging my head on the wall … you know, all the stuff that is totally pointless and wouldn't help in the slightest (apart from giving you a blinding headache).  I walk away if I spot any potential confrontation looming, but I'm still left with my own inner anger and fear.

So, a bad couple of weeks. I'm hoping things will improve but I'm finding it hard to see any light at the end of any of tunnel at the moment.

That's me.  I hope all of you all are well and coping.

Polly 62
Needing friends
Posted by

Hi polly62, doesn't itake you wonder why you spend your days being supportive, cooking things they ask for or you hope will tempt them only for it to be rejected. He's lost loads of weight so l am now a fatty, comments when I eat. He seems unable or unwilling to pick up a ringing phone  answer a simple question or do anything for himself. I appreciate he is weak  in pain and afraid but there is no motivation, and I don't know how to get his motivation back. Yes I too get annoyed and scared, got up at 5am because of my panicky feelings and walked the dogs, did some cooking, etc.. Anything to stop me thinking.. I hear you girl, let it all out. At the moment he is upstairs in bed and I am downstairs. Happy days!  I wish I could make things right again, this is no fun for either of us x

catcrazy4
Posted by

I'm in a completely different situation so can only empathise with your very difficult situation. Observing from the outside sometimes it seems to me that (and I think Grannysue mentioned it) that those closest get the biggest dose of angry venting from the person with cancer. Its the 'safest' way they can vent as they know you won't necessarily hit back. But sometimes I think you need to let them know that yes, they have the cancer but it affects everyone surrounding them. Cancer is the pebble dropped into a still pond, the ripples travel out right to the lands edge. Also there are times that you need to stop being strong in front of them and let them see how YOU are feeling and the effect their changed behaviour is having.

I might be over generalising but men often seem to get very angry and are not so adept at channelling their anger in a more positive way. Its absolute hell for you! When someone is giving the silent treatment or lashing out verbally and physically and you can see its coming from the cancer diagnosis it strikes me just how much pain they are in emotionally. All you can do if they can't seem to help themselves is protect yourself. Abuse of any kind should never be tolerated and maybe reflecting back his behaviour might make him realise how horrid he is being. Maybe time apart is a positive thing, maybe subconsciously that what he's trying to do as its might be easier for him to deal with his emotions on his own. Some people can feel very pressured when a loved one is always at their side through eveything, it maybe guilt of what their cancer is putting you through, it again maybe that he feels overwhelmed with you being there through everything. We're all different and deal (or not deal) with these situations in very differing ways.

I hope you and hubby can find common ground but to me he sounds like a very, very scared person who doesn't know howto deal with it emotionally. Hope you can find some respite, I wish you some peace and sending hugs to you xx

I dance like no ones watching, yep I'm the crazy lady in the middle of the dancefloor!

Rags63
Posted by

Hi Polly62, have been offline too, have had medical issues of my own recently/MRI scan/hospital appointments, but as usual all about OH.  We go to the hospital tomorrow afternoon for the one year review/results of CT scan.  As said have had medical issues of my own and my GP asked me last week how OH was and I said he has no appointment for colonoscopy before final review meeting, GP said no - he doesn't need one as he has had CT scan which will show up absolutely everything.  Therefore, joyfully bounced back home and told OH no need for dreaded colonoscopy which really pleased him.  However, got home tonight and dreaded letter on doormat saying colonoscopy booked for this Saturday THREE DAYS AFTER final review meeting tomorrow (had CT scan 3 weeks ago).  Have had whole evening being told I am totally useless for telling him what our GP told me and he has eaten no dinner tonight and had whole evening of verbal abuse!  Am remembering counselor who said say Ouch - you have really hurt me as was only telling you what GP told me and am going with him tomorrow for review meeting.  Wanted to punch his lights out as put up whole weekend with him going out for stag night with friend/came home hung over and whole Sunday in bed and pampering him!!

Really hard to take, have been banned to spare room as he just so nasty and abusive and to top it all his work not going great this week so got it all guns blazing boo hoo!!! I can appreciate he is scared for review meeting tomorrow and wasn't expecting to have colonoscopy after what our GP said, but not my fault/only went by what GP told me.  Hey ho, just trying to keep calm and not blow up and scream back, but just so difficult!! As said before,  his family have told me to get on with it/not their problem/it our marriage problems blah blah blah

Tomorrow is another day and all that ................. Stay strong!!!!!  Going bed now after waiting for blooming cat to come home to add to troubles lol!!!!! xx