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Marriage falling apart - Husband won't talk about feelings!

Polly62
Posted by

I hope your counselling session went well and you've got some positive things to help you cope.

Today has been better for me. OH was in a better place, but that can change at the drop of a hat! I'm so pleased I called Macmillan. Even through my tears, gulps and runny nose I felt that I was  being listened to and that I was important. Best of all I've found I'm not alone with what I'm going through and these OH mood problems are a "thing" - it exists - it's not just me. I'm sorry that any of us are having this extra pressure on top of coping with every day life and what will happen in the future. If I had a magic wand ..!?

Now, I must go and continue to dry out my shoes .... which he threw down the road yesterday because they were in his way ...!!

Polly 62
01592009
Posted by

Hi Rags63 

You seem to have had some excellent responses and support and there's not much that I can add except one sentence of yours really resonated with me.

"they told me that it is our marriage and need to get on with it"

My husband and I went through similar and came out the other side. My experience leads me to feel it is NOT your marriage, it is cancer. Neither of us recognised ourselves during that period, we are a loving, committed couple and to have our relationship devalued in this way was horrendous. I couldn't see any of this at the time and was overwhelmed with guilt, anger and self doubt. 

This is my experience and I don't know if it's helpful to you but if not please don't give it a second thought.

I so, so hope things get better for you and for everyone suffering the damage this disease wreaks on our most cherished relationships. 

Sending good wishes

T

Rags63
Posted by

Polly62, you made me giggle about the shoes/hope they dry out in this horrible weather and I was exactly the same as you crying and spluttering down the phone to Macmillan on Monday morning - the lady listening to me was absolutely fantastic and gave me number of Oncology Counselor that I saw tonight.  Please ring Macmillan back and get the number for your local counselor - went tonight and feeling so much better I can't begin to tell you!! I cried buckets throughout and told her how bad I was feeling with the constant put downs that is making me feel so low.  She suggested instead of ignoring him when he puts me down or blowing up when it all gets too much to  say "ouch" that really hurt me.  Not sure it will work, but will give it a try!! My confidence is at an all time low, but made me feel it is not my fault and though he is extremely anxious (obviously) for his forthcoming first major test to see if all clear, it is not acceptable for way he treats me and has made me feel stronger.  I have come back and he is still ignoring me as still upset for me calling his sister over weekend (evils of downing vino on an empty stomach whilst in "emotional wreck" mode and flying off texts) am so not proud of myself, but felt so low and crying/OH didn't care a jot.  I regret that move and counselor reassured me that most people would do the same when you have no one to talk to.  I SOoo wish I had come here first before blurting our marriage woes to his sister - who doesn't want to know anyway!!! Hey ho I can't change what I did!

OH most definitely won't go for counselling himself and between the counselor and myself have agreed we will wait until 11th July (the big meeting) until we meet again. 

Until then I have you guys to talk to and has really helped me enormously to think I am not alone anymore and that other people are going through exactly the same.  

01592009 thank you for your kind words and glad you have come out the other side - hope we do too.  You are so right about the damage this rotten disease does to our relationships.  

Text my boss to say I am definitely back to work tomorrow! Onwards and upwards and thank you all so much for support, hopefully we will all come out the other side!!! xx

Polly62
Posted by

Rags63

I'm so pleased talking to the counsellor helped you - and thanks for sharing. Some really good points there. I'll also try the "ouch" response and see what happens.  I'll also find out about my local counsellor.  Perhaps I've been holding all this in for far too long!

Have a good day at work tomorrow.

Polly 62
Rags63
Posted by

It honestly did help,  so please call them back and get your local Oncology Counselor number - still got silent treatment when got home, even though I text him after I  left the counselor  to tell him how much I loved him and I didn't "character assassinate him" just want to save our marriage!  'He has gone to bed and cooked his own stir fry dinner/didn't offer me any but to be honest,I can't face food, however, blooming good for my diet so a bonus I guess! .  Back to work tomorrow.  Like me, you have been holding this in for far too long.  I so wish I'd know about this site before - we are not alone hun!!! Nite nite xx

MelanieL
Posted by

Hi Rags63,

Oh I am sooo glad you had such a good counselling session this evening. It really sounds like it has given you a lot of strength to go forward. And this group seems to do the same for you. So please keep coming on here and know that we are all here to listen and that you are definitely not alone.

I don't like to tell this story, but feel I should. Because where the silent treatment is concerned I unfortunately have a lot of experience. My Paul used to do that with me quite a lot. Like I remember so many times when we had a disagreement about something and he would sit downstairs and watch TV or read the paper or distract himself with something or other on the iPad, and when I would ask, "Sweetheart, are you coming to bed?" He would dismissively sa, "No, I am not coming to bed with you." Even though it was already late and the normal or sometimes way beyond our normal time for going to bed. So then I would go up to bed on my own and after twenty or thirty minutes or so, when he thought I would be asleep, he used to come in, lie down and go to sleep. It always surprised me how he was able to do this. Sometimes it made me so frustrated! I remember not long before he passed away he did the same thing. I was so worried for him and for us and I really couldn't understand how in this situation he could choose to behave like this and I shouted at him, "My God, you could be dead soon! Do you really think it is the right time to behave like this over a little misunderstanding?" But what I only realised much later on was: It was his way of coping with his own feelings of helplessness, his own feelings of losing control over his life and by behaving like this he at least had some control over things, if you know what I mean.

It is terrible how this horrible disease makes us all suffer so much.

Lots of love, Mel.

I don't like "moving on" because it sounds like leaving our loved one and all that happened behind. But I like "moving forward" because it means that, in spite of my tremendous loss and the pain about that, I move forward in my own life taking Paul with me.
Rags63
Posted by

Hi Mel,

First of all, I am so sorry you lost Paul, that's so sad - how are you coping right now?  Going back to the Oncology Department yesterday waiting to see Counsellor, it just made me feel so lucky OH here and alive and how bloody evil cancer is/all ages/men and women/sobering thought that OH is still around and am so lucky compared to others going through far worse!  

I am still getting the silent treatment and thought I could tempt him with my roast dinner tonight (always works), but he has bought himself a bit of steak instead and refused my dins!  However, after the counselling last night, I feel so much stronger, together with all the support from here (thank you all!)  As I said, wish I'd come here ages ago and maybe I wouldn't have felt so low for such a long time.  Trying to just stay calm (am ready to say "ouch" once he's out of silent treatment!! -  I do understand the anxiety of having first colonoscopy next month and know he is scared of what the results will be, so will just have to accept his feelings until then I think.  Feeling calmer and not as though everything I do is wrong/am useless.

How's everyone else today?  Thank you for support, I can't believe I can just off load and someone out there has similar experiences - so nice to feel I am not the only one going through this with OH!

On Monday I was sobbing uncontrollably/had to take 3 days off work, as just couldn't cope any more with the put downs, but Thursday feel so different and feel stronger to deal with his moods!!

I can't thank Macmillan enough, been so supportive!  Did a coffee morning at work last year and trying to raise even more this year.  

Cyber hugs to all of you (feel like a different person just being able to talk!!) xx

Needing friends
Posted by

So glad you are feeling stronger, keep it up girl!!! Xx

Needing friends
Posted by

So glad you are feeling stronger, keep it up girl!!! Xx

Polly62
Posted by

Rags63

Glad you're feeling stronger. I too wish I'd visited here earlier!. I had my melt down on Wednesday morning, and now I'm glad I did!!  I needed to talk. I needed someone to understand how awful I felt and how difficult it was me.  A couple of my friends are very supportive, but I always feel there's a limit on how much you can unload on them. I don't want my misery to define me. 

When my OH was diagnosed, he didn't want anyone to know initially. I respect that, but I think that's where my isolation began. Then when we did tell someone we truly trusted about it, the response was unexpected and unhelpful. I know it was probably shock and not knowing what to say. When I told my life long friend,  her response was "my uncle had that and he died horribly"!  All these incidents put me off talking to anyone .... bad move.  

However, after my melt down and reading all your comments I feel much, much better.  I now have an outlet to talk amongst people who truly understand.  Thank you all.

I had a much better day yesterday.  A trip to the tip didn't end up in an argument!  I told OH to stay in the car and I'd do the lot!  Later in the day he thanked me and said he hadn't felt physically up to it. Woohoo!  That's the first time he's actually shared how he felt in I don't know how long.  And, we actually sat down and had some dinner together. 

Let's hope today will be a good one. 

Polly 62
Rags63
Posted by

Polly62, Aww, I am so glad that yesterday was a much better day for you and that you had dinner together/maybe it was a turning point sharing how he feels with you and hopefully it will continue (fingers crossed).

Our first weekend in ages that we will be on our own without visit from one of our 6 grown up children between us for the weekend, so am hoping that as we both not at work, we can talk as still on silent treatment after speaking to his sister last weekend during my total meltdown.  I am of course ready to say "ouch, that really hurt me" if he verbally attacks again.  

I keep saying this, but am so glad we are all sharing our feelings here and am a much stronger person than this time last week.  

Still getting the silent treatment and have not bothered cooking meal for him tonight, as all week, he has been buying own "food for one person", which is easier as I don't have to worry about any criticism, however, very sad we haven't been sitting down together to eat.  I wouldn't mind but am a good cook ha ha!  Just making a point I think to hurt.

Less than a month now until check up, so guess I wlll let this go until then.  Just wish he would understand I have been and always will be there to share feelings with and better to talk than bottle up.  

Cyber hugs/so glad am not alone in this! xx

Polly62
Posted by

Rags63

Had a few good days … a few hiccups along the way.  I think because I feel calmer I can withstand any little verbals that are thrown around much better.

We went round to my friends on Saturday.  As I mentioned before, OH has isolated himself all through this, but he was talking to my friend (who also has prostate problems, but fortunately not cancer).  OH turned into a different person, they were discussing prostates (as you do?), building works, I-pads …. there was laughter.  My friend is aware of the problems and how I've been feeling.  For the rest of Saturday and into Sunday OH was positively chirpy and full of conversation.  He said he'd really enjoyed Saturday.  I think this proves the point that isolation for either of us is not the best thing.  My dear friend has said that he will do his best to involve OH in small things going on to try and give OH an outlet other than myself.  I'm all for it.  Its a step that I think will help OH.  I have dropped into the conversation about OH giving Macmillan a call.  I'm not going to push it but I've planted the idea perhaps?

OH had some more blood tests last week - sadly there seems to be something not right.  He's seeing the doctor on Wednesday.  He was told not to worry and the doctor would explain everything.  How can he/we not worry??  You just wonder what's going to be thrown at you next.  I know I shouldn't dwell on the negative, but with everything else that's happened, I just cant help it.

I miss cooking too!!  OH doesn't eat very much anyway and he seems to hate me asking "what he fancies"  Our meals seem to be simple stuff and not very much of it!  Good for the waistline, but BORING!  Mmmmmm… a nice roast with 26 veg!!!

I hope your weekend went well and you were able to talk to your OH.  I'm sure it will be tense in the coming weeks with the check up on the horizon.  Not an easy one at all.  Just remember we're all here for you.

Polly 62
Rags63
Posted by

Polly 62

Am so pleased that visit to your friends went well and that OH clearly enjoyed himself and laughed/isolation is definitely not good as we know with way we have previously felt with OHs until knowing we are not the only ones!  I feel exactly the same as you in that I feel so much calmer with him and that somehow I won 't get so upset about what he says now!

What a lovely friend to try and include OH/that will certainly help him and think some, not all (but mine for sure) sees it as a weakness as a man  to discuss their inner-most feelings.   I really hope Wednesday goes ok, if the doctor says not to worry then try not to, as more than their job is worth to say anything, so am sure it could be simple.  My OH got called in a few months ago as potassium level was low after blood test and just gave him tablets to take but totally understand that your mind, understandably, goes into instant overdrive thinking the worst all the time.  My friend gave me a good saying over the weekend "here and now" he is here now, just think of that every day. 

We had very quiet weekend without our respective kids (very unusual) nothing much was said, he did give me a hug on Saturday and actually came with me for a food shop (hates shops).  Afterwards, he asked if I fancied stopping off for a drink, obviously said yes!!! I told him that the counselling last Thursday was good for me and encouraged him just to talk to me.  He said that he just can't think of anything until he gets results which I understand and will just have to deal with that until then.  But, as said, feel stronger/calmer after being on here and the counselling, so think I can deal with him until then.  Just given him encouragement that I am here/love him etc. etc. 

His sister has been in touch with him after me contacting her and appears all is well (so I don't feel like I have totally ruined his relationship with her that he accused me of). 

Anyhow, he did succumb to my roast dinner last night and enjoyed it - however, back to the drawing board again tonight as is cooking for himself. 

Lovely to hear from you and everyone else out there going through similar.  Keep repeating myself, but could have saved myself so much angst by finding out about this site ages ago.  Never mind, so lovely to chat - he mowing grass at the moment! :) 

Cyber hugs xx

MelanieL
Posted by

Hi both,

I am so pleased that both your relationships seem to be more peaceful again with some engagement from your husbands with you.

It used to be the same for us: Some days and sometimes even weeks were difficult but then everything calmed down and we were able to talk a little.

I think that, apart from what we are all going through, it is a given that men find it harder to talk about their feelings and whatever is going on for them. So maybe that is part of it all too.

Worrying about what doctors say: Oh yes, I remember that too. I used to feel so agitated before we had an appointment or even a phone call with the oncologist. And my husband did too even though he would find it harder to express that.

Love to all on here!

Mel.

I don't like "moving on" because it sounds like leaving our loved one and all that happened behind. But I like "moving forward" because it means that, in spite of my tremendous loss and the pain about that, I move forward in my own life taking Paul with me.
Rags63
Posted by

Mel - we here for you hun - just talk!!! Got a text from OH at work this morning to say wants to end marriage and hopes I will be adult about it ha ha as I am making HIM FEEL DOWN despite him being totally loved and pampered throughout this whole process and he verbally abusive to me!!!!!  If he had said that to me last week, I would have had total melt down/however, not bothered at all!

All I did was ask him to turn over after an hour of loud snoring last night - was told to shut up in SUCH an aggressive/mean manner and this morning was told I am a total bully!!!! Am laughing now, as yet another put down but I  did my "Ouch" approach to myself!!/ didn't say it to him! Really does work!

I keep having to think 11th July is his colonoscopy/CT scan results and to just keep going/stay calm!! I am so happy at work/friends/family but feel down as soon as I get home!

Sorry, perhaps knowing I have you guys to vent to PLUS having Counseling/friends/family I really have had enough! Counselor gave me the strength to think although he anxious, you do NOT deserve abuse and that is my mantra right now!!

So sorry for my latest vent!!  

Cyber hugs xx