Carers only

Looking after a loved one with cancer? This is a safe and supportive place to share your worries and emotions. Please remember when posting that this group is for Carers only.

New Carer Struggling

Posted by

I'm a new full-time carer of my mum with untreatable lung cancer I don't get much family support but if they do phone or message me it's just to ask how Mum is...they never ask about me. Since New Year mums been in hosp twice the last time with swine flu and on top of the cancer diagnosis she's also been diagnosed with a heart condition, we have carers coming in once a day to help wash and dress her each morning but its like living with a teenager again she refuses to shower and only has a wash at the sink. Now things have settled down regarding sorting mum flat and getting rid of things no longer needed and organising hosp bed and other equipment she needs we've got into a daily routine but I'm finding myself constantly exhausted due to having health issues myself but no one seems to acknowledge that and I've just got to get on with it....Is it normal wanting to scream WHAT ABOUT ME? but then feeling guilty for feeling that way.

Posted by

Hi gabbybutton 

I feel for you, that's exactly how I've described my hubby, as a stroppy teenager. He has incurable brain cancer. Luckily he's not like it all the time, only when he's asked to do something he doesn't want to do. He also doesn't like washing etc., he can hardly stand now so we have carers in to help with that. 

It is completely normal and understandable wanting to scream, you must try not to feel guilty. You are putting a lot into your Mothers care. I am very lucky in that I have friends and family who are there if I need them. We also have help and advice from what is called an "out of hospital team" in our area. Have you tried asking your GP surgery or Macmillan if there is any support available to you? Even someone to talk to helps, this forum also is amazing for letting you know you are not alone. I am frequently told, you must look after yourself which is easier said than done but it helps to get it out of your system. 

I hope you can find some extra support but please feel free to rant on here, we all know how you feel.

love and hugs

June xxx

Posted by

Hi ,

Rest assured, you are completely normal. When my mother-in-law had cancer she didn't bother washing at all; we struggled to get her in the bath only for her to immediately let the water out (she was afraid of falling in the shower). I guess you have to be happy with a mum who doesn't smell. It might be a good idea to contact your mum's Macmillan nurse and ask for information on the Companion Scheme. Someone can come and sit with your mum for a while so you can have a break and even do light chores. You might also pop your post code in here to see if there are any local cancer support groups you could go to for face-to-face chats which can help enormously. 

Being a carer can be a thankless task that no one understands unless they've been through it. Do your absolute best to get some 'me time'  even if it's just a hot bath with nice smellies; a walk in the fresh air or coffee with a friend. Time out is essential for survival.

Love and hugs,

If you find dust in my house, write your name in it. When the signatures overlap I'll get the polish. 

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