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Second night in of this stay... don't know if the penicillin is working yet. He's dreadfully low. Worse than I've seen him. He actually said he didn't think he'd get out. I never realised he truly felt that low.
Anyone else feel their knees go when they leave the ward? After 4 or 5 or 8 hours of fetching and washing and helping and sitting doing nothing I leave and every single time want to collapse on the stairs in a puddle of emotion. Then home via 2 trains to a vilely empty flat. Up at 6, out to work and the whole damn panto starts again. I keep bringing work home but I'm not sure when I think I'm going to do it...
Although I've pressed "like" I don't like what you are going through. This is an awful existence isn't it and we are helpless. Visiting is exhausting and trying to pick up the threads of life in between are very difficult. Like you, I'm working (part time) and feel guilty each time I close the front door when I leave. I call several times a day and he always says he's ok. However, I can see the relief on his face when I get back. Not sure how much longer I can continue to work ...
Tomorrow, although I don't think he should because of recent sepsis, pneumonia and PEs, he resumes chemo.
With you all the way Balibee
Yes... the one good thing about him being in hospital is that I know he has people with him while I'm at work.
I need to keep working, but it tears me in half. Right now I feel like I'm on a nonstop train and we all know the destination. We just don't know when.
I had a real "I hate everyone who looks happy" time of it on the train home....
And ps... good luck tomorrow Sunshine xx
Hey Balibee thanks. Hope you sleep well and have a good day tomorrow. ❤️
Hugs Balibee and Sunshine. I have huge admiration for your ability to continue working. I lasted barely two months into P's diagnosis (granted, he has a very aggressive cancer which made him bedridden within a week of diagnosis, but still).
Your ability to carry on carrying on, to stay by the hospital bedside when possible, to keep showing up for work, and to keep your collapsing for the stairs...those are the things courageous heroes are made of.
Thank you WifenotNurse
Although my husband was dx terminal stage 4 colorectal cancer with liver secondaries in July 2016 he's not been too bad until February this year. He underwent major surgery at Xmas and I was able to work around that. At the moment work is a "safety net". It's also important that I have something for when he's not here anymore. However, i will give up in an instant if he needs me here all the time. At the moment I'm perfecting the art of plate spinning.
Safety net, yes. He was diagnosed Stage 4 in December. He continued to work until February. Since then I have worked round him. I am still paid for full time hours and my work is being amazing, with systems now in place for me to just walk. Every day I think no... I can't do this, and then I get to the office and I think , oh.. I can.
While he's in the hospital I wouldn't be there in the morning anyway, and while he's home he's still well enough for me to leave him for the morning. But I too am mastering multi tasking in a way I'd never wanted tho some days I'm trying to juggle plates and spin balls. ..
But bugger me I'm tired.
I know what you mean about work . This week I have just wanted to be at home but I'm sitting here all ready for my mum to arrive to sit incase he needs anything. It is a comfort to know she is here incase he needs anything and for company I can concentrate a bit more on work as we can't survive without the money. I hate being the bread winner!
Hi Balibee and Fiona1968
Happy plate spinning and ball juggling today. To those supporting partners having treatment - good luck. To those in hospital - good luck. To those at home - good luck.
If I've missed anybody - good luck.
Balibee, Sunshine, WnN and everyone else - loads of love.
God, I empathise with so much on this thread. The non stop train and its inevitable destination, scowling at the happy people etc etc.
I feel like there is an enormous boulder slowly rolling towards me. It's going to crush me but I am unable to get out of its way. Helplessness is obviously the recurrent theme !
I had a horrible experience in the supermarket the other day. I was suddenly overwhelmed with what it would feel like 'after'. I fast forwarded to a day when I will be shopping for 3, not 4. The world will continue turning for everyone else while mine has fallen apart. The feelings of loneliness, pain, and hopelessness were unbearable. Tears started pouring down my face and I couldn't breathe. I guess this was a sort of panic attack ?
I too think you are amazing, Balibee and Sunshine, and anyone else still holding down a job. I work two days a week but I am self employed so can decide when enough is enough. I won't get any paid sick or compassionate leave of course but I reckon that's the least of my worries at the moment.
P,s just read my post and it sounds a bit melodramatic in places but hey ho, I know you guys will get it. That is the beauty of this forum....
You know you are not alone experiencing these feelings and I'm hoping now you've written them down you have some relief - albeit briefly!
One day at a time. One problem at a time.
Work is not the solace it once was. My husband is my main client, you see. So his name is all over the paperwork, all colleagues over half a dozen companies all know us, the whole industry is quite small. His project colleagues have kept the nature of his illness quiet at his request, it's just in the last couple of days- since we notified everyone that I would be standing down from the project- the it has become more public knowledge and so now even at work I'm dealing with the fallout of people's shock and horror.
Plus the girl taking over from me is starring to realise the depth of what she is taking on. I make it look too easy you see.... don't we all.
It was our decision not to share OHs illness with others. In fact, other than our sons we didn't tell family until January. I returned to work Monday after an absence of a month. It was obvious from the smiles and well meaning looks that my situation had been shared.
However, I do not intend to answer texts, phone calls and questions from well wishers who in normal course of events don't pass the time of day with me! I simply don't have the time or energy. My time is better spent on here!!
True. I feel as though I live on here. I'm as hooked on you motley bunch as I once was on Facebook..
But you all help keep me going when I feel the clockwork has just stopped. Even if all I'm managing is WnN"s world renowned zombie shuffle I'm doing it thanks to you lot. I am so very grateful to have found you
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