Carers only

Looking after a loved one with cancer? This is a safe and supportive place to share your worries and emotions. Please remember when posting that this group is for Carers only.


Posted by

All i seem to be doing lately is crying.

I hate this whole thing - why are murderers and evil people walking the streets without a care in the world and my husband, who has never done anything wrong got his bloody thing inside him ??

He is so depressed and in constant pain all the time, Nothing is helping him. He wont take Morphine tho. Not started any treatment either - We start talking about that journey on 4th Jan.

Im now doing his head in as im trying to be positive infront of him - telling him were going to fight and win, but he just wants to wallow.

I dont know what to do, Im scared of the future - He is my life.

Sorry for babbling on, but i dont know what to do

Posted by

My husband's attitude is very similar - carrying on "as normal" though in pain.  I get so frustrated, don't want to nag him into chasing the doctors to get some treatment started - don't want to force him into a healthier lifestyle to make him "fit enough to operate on" - like you I am scared for his future but keep reminding myself that it's his life, his decisions to make, I can only support and care .... and cry when he is not around!

Posted by

Thanks Sue.

Its the worst thing in the whole world and I feel so useless.

My hubby is taking all the vitamins in the world and we are watching his diet, but hes frustrated because hes scared of eating anything "nice" as he doesnt want to undo any work hes done.

We are having a treatment option dicussion next week, so see were we end up from there


Posted by

Hi Mrs. M.,

There's no rhyme or reason to it.  I had chemo with a 74 year old nun who had lung cancer - she'd never smoked in her life, & lived in a Community of Sisters who went about doing good. I couldn't believe how philosophically she accepted it all.

I can understand your feelings being all over the place, and your husband just wanting to wallow. That will pass, believe me.  Once you get a treatment plan sorted the outlook will change for both of you. There will be practical things to do, that you can deal with. At the moment it's mostly "in the mind", which is a scary place if you don't really know much. The mind dives straight to the mud at the bottom where all the terrors are lurking.

I'd suggest you back off from being too upbeat and positive in front of him for a little while & let him deal with his demons alone. He knows you're there for him and always will be, but cancer does mess with your mind. Eventually he'll surface again.

Meanwhile, sweetie, you've got us to support you. Never mind about crying, it goes with the territory especially if you're the carer, not the patient. I often think it's a harder job being the carer. Some days you can never get it right. I remember how horrible I was to my partner, to my eternal shame.

But we got through it, and so will you two. Keep coming back to let it all out, someone will always be here to hold your hand.

With love & hugs,

Twirly xxx

Posted by

Hi Jomull

Sorry you are having such a bad time right now.  Playing the waiting game is pants, especially when the goal posts seem to be constantly moving.

It is so hard to see a loved one down and in constant pain, but, unfortunately, you cannot make him take his pain relieving medication.  I wonder though if you have told him how seeing him this way, especially when there is no need for him to be in so much discomfort, makes you feel.

Twirly is right.  Your husband has a lot of demons to deal with right now and he must do this in his own way and time.  Also, wallowing is natural, certainly for a while anyway.  You also have demons to deal with.  You need to allow yourselves time to grieve for the life you had before you can look to the future and start dealing with whatever that brings. You are both on the worlds worst roller coaster ride with the full range of emotions fully charged and battering away at you.

At least your husbands appointment to start talking treatment is now soon.  The days until then may be hard, but once you have the plan in place, you might both feel better as you can focus all your energies on what you can do to support each other through that period.

I hope that you can both find the strength to comfort each other through the next few days and then face whatever comes next as a strong team.

Don't forget we always here for you xx

Posted by

Thankyou for your advice and support.

I will back off trying to be so positive and just hold his hand.

You guys are amazing


Posted by

Nothing much to add to the very good words of advice and comfort above, but just wanted to join in supporting you. Once the treatment has started, things will start to settle a little, as the new phase of the process begins. Sometimes it can take some adjustment, as the whirlwind of tests, etc. have stopped and you have a bit more time to absorb all that has happened.  The one thing that will help hugely, both physically and psychologically,  is getting pain under control. I know you don't want to push things too much, but perhaps if you have a good relationship with your GP, he/she might have a chat with him about that xx 

Posted by
Hang on in there til the 4th jomull, hopefully they will have some answers and treatment options for you then. X